SENATOR JOHN ENSIGN (CHIEF OF) STAFF INFECTION

Senator John Ensign (R-Nevada) is a big family values guy, and we will show you just how much value he can get for his family. As recently reported, he has been having a long time affair with the wife of his chief of staff. It turns out that rather than bring the affair out into the open, the chief of staff gave Sen. Ensign permission to keep shagging his wife on condition that this family values Senator keep paying the family values mortgage for their nice size Nevada home. So now Sen. Ensign officially has joined the hypocrisy hall, together with Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde and several others who criticized Bill Clinton for adultery while…uh adultering. When the chief of staff finally tired of selling his wife for the monthly mortgage, he sent a letter to FOX news complaining about the Senators behavior, but surprisingly FOX chose to sit on the letter and not publish or report it, anyone know why? Now this chief of staff is also a supposed big family values Christian, as he once said he would never even be found in a car alone with a strange woman, and that leaves us wondering where he would be found. Finally, during the Clinton scandal, Sen. Ensign publicly called for Clintons impeachment saying that infidelity should force one to resign. Senator, we are waiting…

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MOUSAVI, A MODERATE MARTYR?

People need to remember that (Iranian opposition candidate) Mousavi was also a very fundamentalist, pro Mullah, pro nuclear weapon candidate who has not influenced his followers rather he was created by his followers .He has now publicly accepted martyrdom. This is the problem with right wingers in any country; they can only be made left by even more extreme right wingers.

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CHAD BULLOCK, HE’S SMOKIN’

Chad Bullock is a young man from North Carolina who just turned 20 years old. Amazingly, he just won a prize of $100,000 to work on the project of his choice which is to make the ballpark of the minor league baseball team in Durham, N.C. smoke free. The park as long been a bastion of those inhaling, and the inhaling by others of what the smokers exhaled. Chad’s grandfather was a smoker and died of cancer, and through smart campaigning for this cause so close to his heart Chad won the crown and the gold. The Durham Bulls park is now a smoke free facility, so Chad Bullock is smoking because the people in the park aren’t.

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STILL STUCK WITH STICKY DICK

America stepped in it the day Dick Cheney found himself. What we mean is that he was put in charge of the committee created by the RNC to find Bush’s running mate, and he sifted through, looked in the mirror and said the best man must be himself. Now as it turns out that the White House memos may show that the waterboarding techniques actually didn’t work, Senator Carl Levin of Michigan said that after an investigation into the CIA tactics Dick Cheneys claims about them working is nothing but a bunch of lies. So either Mr. Cheney is truly trying to retake his place in history by lying to vindicate policies of torture, or he is getting some of the Reagan alzheimers and simply forgetting the truth. Either way, we can seem to shake of the stickyness of Dick.

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FAUXLOSOPHY

We must lead by example; you cant run a weight watchers class while munching on a doughnut.

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FAUX NEWS PHILMOLOGY

We will be listing in no particular order our 10 favorite films and we will write why. We will talk about the message, the best verbal moment, and the best non-verbal moment. The 10 films are; To kill a mocking bird Animal house High noon A Bronx tale Charlie Wilson’s War Sleeper Hombre Schindler’s list Harold and Maude Shawshank redemption Today’s review; To kill a mocking bird – the best verbal moment is Gregory Peck saying “thank you for my son”. The best non-verbal moment is Scout’s snarl at dinner when being told to eat her food. The message? If you have to ask you probably think Barack Obama barely won the last election and you are not sure he’s your President. More coming soon…

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RUSH TO GRUDGEMENT; UPDATE

The way Rush Limbaugh is going after Sonia Sotomayor, attacking her with every smear label possible, we are sure it wont be long before he links her to the ACLU. And as we know only certain people seek help from the ACLU, such as communists, cowards, traitors, and oh yes at the time of his drug bust Rush Limbaugh.

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ARMED WITH GOOD CREDIT

There is a consumer rights bill to protect credit card holders currently making its way through to Senate. And when all is set and ready to go, Sen Tom Coburn (R- OK) who is one of the reasons why the Republicans are no longer in power, suddenly added an amendment that people should be able to carry loaded weapons into all the national parks. While we are still not sure what this has to do with consumer credit, it seems that for some people every mission in life has to do with guns. Will he also argue for allowing loaded guns on airplanes? or into court? Isnt it interesting that NY which has the strictest gun laws in the country has only 80 gun related murders (not including domestic violence) out of 8 million people in 2007? The numbers for 2008 are due in shortly. So before we do a "slow burn on Coburn" we remind the Republican supporters and enablers of this; The technology and the weaponry is far advanced, but the idea that there will only be Republican or Democratic bullets randomly shot in public places (including national parks) has yet to "go off". Lets also not forget the Brady bill named in honor of the Reagan official who was grazed by a stray bullet and suddenly had a change of heart for gun laws. Now we can slow burn Coburn, and hope he doesnt learn the hard way about random bullets.

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ON THE CHENEY CHANNEL

Many wonder weather the Republican party will bend or break due to the new demographics and social philosophy of the US. We say they are already bent, because when they tolerate Dick Cheney as their spokesman they really tolerate and nourish and negative stereotype about them. In fact, if they cant get that man to go away and they continue listening to his ridiculous tirades about torture, think about the torture that is being leveled upon every well meaning and sensible Republican who has to listen to him.

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CRAIGLISTED

Last week a young pitcher from the Minnesota Twins named Craig Breslow served up a pitch to Yankees A-Rod which he hit for a game winning home run. Mr. Breslow is an interesting person, he has mainly played for several minor league teams and also helped win a state championship playing soccer. Interestingly, Mr. Breslow played baseball in college while studying at the prestigious Yale University and is often called the palyer with the highest score because of his boards. We wish him well and we hope that Craig should continue to be listed, as long ...as he doesn't beat the Yankees.

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ALL VICE ALL THE TIME

Dick Cheney is constantly on the news these days talking about how this country is less safe because of the policies of the Obama administration. The CIA and Al-Qaeda beg to differ, because it seems that Al-Qaeda is now becoign marginalized to smaller areas of Pakistan due to the drone activity provided by the CIA, and they are becoming less and less able to strike the west. In all of 2008 (under Bush) only 16 drone strikes were done and there were 32 already this year. Apparently they have been effective and reduced severely the extremist capabilities. Not to piss off the Pakistanis, but it appears that they and teh extemists are both more frustrated by Obamas successful planning.

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SOME NOT-SO-ARTSY CRAFTSY

In his speech at Yad Vashem holocaust center in Jerusalem, the pope was trying to craft a message which did everything but cut to the heart of the matter. Namely, that the 6 million Jews were not killed by some natural tragedy, they were systematically tortured and destroyed by the nazis. Thats a very sad thing. Because if anti-communist Nixon could reach out to China, as the liberal President Clinton could reach out on welfare reform, and as Ronald Reagan could produce the earned income tax credit, they all were able to go against their stereotype. Members of the Hitler youth group were Nazi party members, who pursued with vigor their horrible task. The least he could have done would be to use the word "NAZI" (the party of the Hitler youth of which he was a member), when describing the perpetrators of this awful tragedy. It would not bring any of the dead back to life, but it would give those that survived a bit of a better pulse rate to hear that from the head of the Catholic church. But he worked around those words and was not so artsily crafty.

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THAT JEW, WHO KNEW

US Senate candidate from Arkansas Kim Hendren recently decided to rally the party faithful with a statement that typically comes from Republicans (sometimes in public and sometimes more private). He reffered to Democratic Senator for NY Chuck Scumer as "that Jew". Mr. Hendren says he regrets usign the term at that meeting, well obviously...because that meeting was accessible. If this keeps up the Republicans will stay 9 short of a minyan for a whole lot longer.

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KEEPING CURRENT ON DICK DALE

Dick Dale, king of the electric guitar whose credits include the Frankie Avalon beach movies turns 72 today. Dick renewed his fame when his track was played with the opening scene of the movie Pulp Fiction, and we have seen him live as well. In the movies he had a scene where he played the electric guitar in the water. We at the Faux are great fans of Mr. Dale, but in terms of attempting an electri guitar in the water we say…please don’t try this at home.

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A PANIC ATTRACT

The Obama administration has been displaying its habit of using very calming language instead of very alarming of even disgusting language (case in point; H1N1 virus instead of “swine flu”). Nevertheless, we are seeing that less hysterical descriptions are resulting in more reasoned responses. The reason is because when we are led by a mature government, we tend to mature as a nation and act more responsibly. Wait, this just in…Egypt is killing every pig in their country…to be continued

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