Gerald R. Ford; Always a Uniter, Never a Divider

People of goodwill everywhere should be saddened by the death
of President Gerald Ford; a man of vision and compassion who granted the
disgraced Richard Nixon the pardon that our nation needed more than Nixon
deserved.  He later displayed good judgment by publicly maintaining that
his Republican Party show the same discipline regarding its attempt to impeach
then President William Clinton but his good voice was ignored. Mr. Ford led an
admirable life as a family man, athlete and public servant and while he was
never elected President, he kept his appointment to executive office, and
with history, in a most exemplary manner.

HERE'S WHAT WE TRULY HAVE TO FEAR IN AMERICA

What is wrong with liberals, why don’t they get it? President Bush and Vice President Cheney do;
this is a clash of civilizations, a war for survival, the Armageddon of good
vs. evil.

Total devotion
to our president is essential, in fact should be made mandatory, any lessening of important symbolic acts
(like wearing flag lapels or singing “God Bless America” at Yankee games) will only
embolden terrorists. And, if any
Democrats at all are elected – imagine the wrong messages sent then.

All options are
on the table, all hands are on deck; any sacrifices the administration deems
necessary should be enacted without delay or debate. We are talking about our very existence
people and all previous privileges or presumptions may well have to be given up
for the common good. Well, almost all; we
do have to keep a few: like our tax
refunds for the top 1 percent and subsidies for the oil companies.

And for
now, just because we’re fighting for our lives, let’s not rush into having a
unilateral across the board draft or rationing gas or requiring higher fuel
efficiency in new vehicles even if that would depress the price of oil and thus
reduce the revenues of such terrorist nations as Iran.

And this
may be most important, we must never, never acknowledge the possibility of
mistakes made in Iraq such
as presuming a 9/11 connection or the presence of WMDs, being greeted as
liberators or making the Mideast safer from
terrorists.

That said
we need to keep in mind there is only one thing we have to fear more than
annihilation, and it’s not fear itself, it’s inconvenience itself.

But really,
enjoy the New Year and don’t be scared because remember that the Bush Cheney
reality has been to reality as the Bush Cheney patriotic service has been to
patriotic service.

BE OPTIMISTIC AND PROSPER

THE NAME BLAME

It’s been pointed out that our name: Faux News Network.com
is not dissimilar to a much more financially endowed, though more factually challenged
competitor. Their name while featuring the key F/X components has an “O”, or ought
in the middle, as in how fair (or balanced) they ought to be and thus produces
a word (we won’t say it) which has among its many meanings the capacity to
trick, or deceive, or turn sour.  Our
heading features “faux” which, of course, has an “au” between our F/X and we
all know Au is the chemical symbol for gold. 
Real gold versus net “0” – need we say more.

CUT AND RUM DEPARTMENT, UPDATE

This past week, Dick Cheney noted that the departing Don of
Rumsfeld may have been the best Secretary of Defense ever. Now we’re not sure we agree but what should
be recognized are the unique defensive “credentials” of our own VP Dick, who
will no doubt go down in history as the VP most committed to the non-defense of his country given his
epic total of five, count ‘em, five Vietnam era deferments. Puts Bill Clinton’s
pedestrian “one” to shame doesn’t it?

But don’t
go getting too impressed with Dick’s high, or should we say low 5; the American
League record to our knowledge is seven (7).
That’s right, seven (7) deferments from the Vietnam era draft. This unpatriotic coward must be located,
singled out, and duly mocked and who better to help than former Homeland
Security Honcho John Ashcroft. Why,
because he’s got the cunning, the look, the voice, can soar like an eagle and,
well, sees the guy each time he shaves. Yep,
turns out Mr. Ashcroft so loved America,
his homeland, he made sure (as a soldier anyway) never to leave it. You couldn’t make these guys up.

OUR TWISTED MISTER PHILOSOPHY CORNER

There is an old saying that the first casualty of war is the
truth. And sad to say between mission
accomplished, WMD’s, Iraq’s
“connection” to 9/11 et al, the truth has died many deaths in the current
conflict. So what to believe in? Well, here at the FNN, we can’t give you
absolute truths (we can’t?), but . . . we can
give you something almost as good:
absolute non-truths.

In other words, certain lies (four in fact) that you are (virtually) guaranteed never to
hear.

1. A woman over 21 will never say she’s older than she is.
2. A well to do older gentleman trying to impress a younger object of his affection will never say he’s less wealthy then he is.
3. A movie leading man will never say he’s shorter than he
   is.
4. And . . . a pro athlete will never say he’s of a less imposing
   size than he actually is.

That noted, when a baseball free agent claims he’s 6’ tall, or an actor claims he 6’4” tall, ala
John Wayne (well he was with 2” plus lifts) –remember the operative phrase –
“he claims”.

THE MORE THINGS DON’T CHANGE . . . .

RE:  G.W. Bush and
James Baker

            At least
one national source has referenced the by-gone (?) days when Mr. Baker would
help rouse the Dub out of whatever stupor he was experiencing at the time.  Apparently regarding Iraq, he has a
similar job description.  This time it
might be a bit more challenging because while the good done for society by “AA”
is legion (this president’s sobriety being the one possible exception) -

AA is obviously not what Mr. Bush needs now.  No, what he needs, if it existed would be
“SA” – Stubborn Anonymous . . .  but then
how do you get folks to change their minds and go to meetings.

IT’S AN EXTRA FAMILY AFFAIR DEPT.

The current top four
(4) GOP candidates for the ’08 presidential race, Mayor Rudy, John McLain, Mitt
Romney and the Newt, have between them nine (9) marriages, five (5) divorces
and a cast of well, many extras.  And
Mitt Romney, the Mormon is the guy who’s only had one (1) wife.

FAUX NEWS HOLLYWOOD UPDATE

We are intrigued to learn
that the film describing the Dixie Chicks’ fall from Grace (Land types) and
their triumph over the non-musical critics of the right is being considered a
classic.  The movie is entitled “Shut-up
and Sing”.  We understand a follow-up
film on the (hoped for) evolution (we believe in that by the way) of George
Bush is in the works.  This is about the
president actually reading and absorbing the Baker-Hamilton Commissions report
on our deteriorating situation in Iraq; the planned title is “Shut-up
and Read”.

A CHANGE IN COURSE

                                  
We at the Faux News Network are now
able to tap into

                            
Karl Rove’s diary; we can’t
tell you how this is done – so don’t ask.

 

FROM THE TV SHOW “MISTER ED”

MISTER ED THEME

A horse is a horse, of course, of course

And no one can talk
to a horse of course

That is, of course,
unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed

 

Go right to the source and ask the horse

He’ll give you the
answer that you’ll endorse

He’s always on a
steady course

Talk to Mr. Ed

 

* *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

AND . . . . . . .

 

FROM THE DIARY OF KARL ROVE

THE SPRING OF 2005

            The 50’s
were a great time, TV especially, it was all in black and white but then the
colored came in.  We’re back, we’ve got
implanted journalists, paid media, sympathetic pundits, and we won the election
not because of what our beliefs were, but because of how we were so decisive
about them.  Nothing, not facts or
funerals give us pause, we’re never wrong or sorry, and they’ve all listened to
me; I gave it to them straight from the horse’s mouth, from me The Karl (his
last conscious thought as he drifts off watching the TV Land channel). (To the
tune of “Mister Ed”)

 

A course is a course of course of course

Our Titanic leaders
will stay the course

Even when a source, a
reliable source

Gives conflicting
facts instead

 

 

Our course is our course but we need recourse

Against any dissent
from a factual source

So to stay the course
with our views enforced

We’ll need right wing
talking heads

 

Remorse is no course of course of course

And if shortages of
armor endanger our force

We won’t speak of
that, that’s disloyal discourse

Say our famous
talking heads

 

Recourse is a course we can’t endorse

On WMD’s and the
terrorist force

No matter the
failures of our own source

Keep folks in a fright
that’s our best resource

And it kept those
swing states red

 

THE PRESENT

 

            The Karl
awakes startled – this darned commission, now we’ve got to change course – and
he drifts off again.

 

A course is a course unless of course

The latest spin means
we must change the course

But it’s not “cut and
run” when we’re the source

As Tony Snow has said

 

A sharp change in course won’t mean discourse

Cause we’ll make sure

We’re still the
source

And that’s how the
country’s led

 

And that’s our main course

Not protecting our force

To remember that fear
is our primary source

 

Cause . . . scared
folks . . . are easily . . . led

 

 

         

CUT AND RUM DEPARTMENT

We are saddened by the departure of Donald Rumsfeld as Defense
Secretary. Mr. Rumsfeld saved reporters a great deal of time in press
conferences by rapidly asking and answering his own questions.
We hope that's appreciated. The upside of Robert Gates is that while
the press conferences should be much slower, if there is a major
scandal down the road, its name is tailor made for media headline
heaven; Gates Gate.

ROPE-A-DOPE: THE ALLEN EXIT STRATEGY

There is no question how losing Senatorial candidate George Allen may
have hurt himself on Meet the Press by confirming that he coupled the
Confederate flag and a hangman's noose in his office. He should have
given the most logical explanation, namely that he is a man of letters
and the rope is for an extreme sports version of hangman. Also on Allen
- the exit polling in Virginia showed only 37% thought he had a problem
with the more ethnic folks. Was his Jewish mother included in that
tally?