Thursday, December 14, 2006

OUR TWISTED MISTER PHILOSOPHY CORNER

There is an old saying that the first casualty of war is the
truth. And sad to say between mission
accomplished, WMD’s, Iraq’s
“connection” to 9/11 et al, the truth has died many deaths in the current
conflict. So what to believe in? Well, here at the FNN, we can’t give you
absolute truths (we can’t?), but . . . we can
give you something almost as good:
absolute non-truths.

In other words, certain lies (four in fact) that you are (virtually) guaranteed never to
hear.

  1. A woman over 21 will never say she’s older than she is.
  2. A well to do older gentleman trying to impress a younger object of his affection will never say he’s less wealthy then he is.
  3. A movie leading man will never say he’s shorter than he
    is.
  4. And . . . a pro athlete will never say he’s of a less imposing
    size than he actually is.

That noted, when a baseball free agent claims he’s 6’ tall, or an actor claims he 6’4” tall, ala
John Wayne (well he was with 2” plus lifts) –remember the operative phrase –
“he claims”.

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The Faux News Network Principles


A) We distort, you abide
B) Or we retort if you deride, unless we choose not to
C) Complete sentences are acceptable in lieu of complete truths
D) It’s OK to criticize the 2006 Democratic Congress for all America’s problems since 2001
E) We shoot from the flip
F) We’re not always accurate but we’re always certain
G) On what we feel is wrong in this world, we can’t stop people from saying I don’t agree or I don’t care, but we won’t let them say I didn’t know
H) The director’s board has a whim of irony
I) In times of emergency, we should rally around our President: In times of democracy he should do the same for us
J) We proudly plagiarize in advance, examples available upon request
K) It’s easy to be fun-based when you’re fact based
L) Good news parody makes for good news parity
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