FRIDAY FAUXLOSOPHY

Should you, however inadvertently cause another person loss or inconvenience they’ll appreciate remedy way more than sympathy.

WIN YANKEE TICKETS: A FAUX NEWS NETWORK CONTEST

We will be running a monthly feature, and contest, on the Faux for candidates worthy of induction into the P.O.M.P. Hall of Fame. P.O. M. P., for those would enter (and win) stands for Persons of Military Pretentiousness and we’re accepting nominations now. Here then are the criteria: the ideal candidate should meet (or exceed) the following to emulate the P.O.M.P. ideal:
A) Must have been in favor of the Vietnam War and thus determined to stop Asia from going Communist. B) Hopefully he still believes in the “Domino Theory”. C) The nominee should always wear out in public at least one flag lapel at all times. An aggressive patriotic tee shirt is an acceptable substitute. D) The ideal candidate needs at least one draft deferment from the service in the Vietnam Era. E) This deferment should have been as creative as possible i.e. the reason for Trent Lott’s deferment was a “special project” at the university of Mississippi which turned out to be for organizing the cheerleaders formations. Well someone had to check out the bottoms of those ladies at the top of the pyramids. F). Extra points are available to those who currently (and aggressively) denigrate those who would begin any sort of draw down in Iraq as either: surrenders, unpatriotic, cut and runners or ( and this gets bonus points) cowards. G) The judging will be done in our usual subjective manner, but this is a real contest with at least one pair of tickets to be given away and these are lower level field box seats, in the third base area, just under the over hang. H) You can’t win if you don’t play, but if you do win, they’re among the best seats in the house, and they (the Yanks) will play.

LESS GANG FOR THE BUCK: THE NUMBERS NUMB ON

According to the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, Joe Biden, we’ve spent in the last 3 weeks in Iraq what we’ve spent in the last 6 years in Afghanistan. These are numbing numbers. And remember, Afghanistan is where the Taliban gangs are, and where Bin Laden is so why don’t we concentrate more on getting bad guys than inspiring and maybe enabling new ones.
In another numbers nunsense, John McCain defends the story of himself and a lobbyist making the case that he’s against taking money or . . . aid from lobbyists. On point, his exact quote is “Special interests have too much influence in Washington”, but on this matter is Mr. McCain once again McSame as in not too special on special interests. Consider what was revealed nationally this past week: lobbyists actually do work on Mr. McCain’s campaign, at least just a little bit. A key political advisor, Charles Black, currently heads a prominent lobbying firm with such clients as AT&T, JP Morgan and NBC, and get this fauxvians, his campaign manager, Rick Davis founded his own lobbying firm. These folks often work without pay and probably . . . expect nothing in return should Senator McCain be elected president, the Senator maintains. Well, if you believe that, we at the Faux are prepared to sell you this week only, the Verazzano Bridge, but not the Brooklyn Bridge. You see we already sold that one today and we have our ethics. Now let’s not concentrate on just complete sentences in lieu of complete truths because The Public Citizens Group which many have found to be annoyingly accurate, recently pointed out that Barack Obama has 9 (nine) current or former lobbyists working for him and Hillary Clinton has all of 19 (nineteen) working for her. Oh yeah, that complete truth thing; McCain has only 59 (fifty nine) lobbyists, current or former, working for him. We’ve just got to get more bridges available for sale, don’t we?

A ROCKET LAUNCH LURCHING

A number of fans (about 1%, hey, that’s a number) still believe Roger Clemens is innocent of helping formulate his success in later years. Speaking of formulating, he sure was inept in doing so regarding his public defense in those House Committee on Oversight hearings.
Again, for the record, Roger requested those hearings himself, in fact he insisted on them to give the public a clear picture of his being “clean” from chemical taint and we’d say that 99% against is as clear a picture as you’re going to get. But it gets better, because Mr. Clemens was scheduled to do an ESPN event at Disney World from February 29 through March 2nd, and says he’s changed his mind about doing so because he doesn’t want to “cause a distraction”. But, and we Fauxvians find this just right, his picture is still on the Web site posing with Goofy.

MEDIA MUCKERS MUSH ON

I’m outraged, to say the least (and I never say the least) at the NY Times for their front page story on John McCain’s friendship with a lady lobbyist dating (wrong word, darn) from his 2000 campaign. This will rally our base against the liberal media Times which curiously has never written on such personal matters regarding Democrats. Well, OK, they (the Times) were the first to reveal 95% of the Bill/Monica stuff but how about the other “5”? Oh, and enough already about making fun of Congressman Lyn Westmoreland (R-Georgia) for knowing “almost” 3 of the Ten Commandments when he was asked them on the Stephen Colbert show. I’m informed by his staff that he’s up to almost “5” now, so there.
Submitted by Raymond Coadd

FRIDAY FAUXLOSOPHY

People talk of happy endings, and we disagree; happy continuings is where its at.

FAUX FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Harry Truman and George Bush are similar in their low approval ratings but …interestingly they took very different paths to get there. Mr. Truman was realistic and raised taxes in time of war, because wars really cost and he told the American people so. Thus, he was resented for implementing an unpopular decision, but doing it very competently. Mr. Bush fell into disfavor for pursuing policies that were opposite to Mr. Truman’s on both counts.

CHARLES A. SANDRAS BEGINS, BUT NOT BENIGNLY

The Presumptive (Vice) President for John McCain would be who? He says he doesn’t know yet, OK, but that’s an important white male (are there any other kinds of Republicans in the mix, ever) for the future of this next national election. Figure the figures, almost anyone familiar with the strains and stresses of the American Presidency seems to feel that a man personally and physically ages three years (at least) for every one chronological year spent in that office. Just look at the before and after photos, even those of the time off president (our current addition) who set the all time goof off (vacation) record for total days off, by the time he hit year five of his presidency. The previous leisure leader was of course
Ronald Reagan, whose age and Alzheimer’s may have been factors. But back to McAge; he’ll be almost 73 years (not young) when he starts his first term and figuring the three to one dissipation he’d be almost 96 when he left a second term. And these guys always want a second term, so does that mean Mr. Cain’s choice of VP candidate is a political living will?--------------------submitted by Charles

THE “ROCKET” HAS A DEFENSE SYSTEM BUT HE'S NO ROCKET SCIENTIST

Be careful what you fish for/or wish for take your pick because as Roger Clements’ request to be vindicated before Congress proved this past week the bully pulpit doesn’t help you if you’re just kind of a bully. And that’s so even if the six Republics (there were seven Democrats as well, including Chairman Harry Waxman from California) defended Roger’s hodge podge of a dodge in knee jerk fashion, the operative word being jerk. One of the great political gambits is to use the disclaimer “partisan issue” as if any issue divided by party must be divided as to merit, as well. The Democrats (remember they do believe in science) could have also said the earth is round and these guys would have no doubt argued that issue has other sides, as according to them would the globe , since its not round. Roger is of course as guilty as he is a bad liar, in fact the way he licked his lips made us wonder if they were juiced up to give his denials the strength of the vial. Two beauts were on his “team” of congressional defenders are worthy of notes, however sour. First is Dan Burton Indiana (R) who spent most of his time during the Clinton hearings attacking the President for poor moral choices. He did not use all of this time for said pursuit of purity, however because he found time to sneak back to his office and impregnate a staffer. He was married, just not to her. Also deserving mention is congressman Lyn Westmoreland Georgia (R) who has sponsored one bill in two terms (it failed) calling for the Ten Commandments to be displayed in the courtrooms of Washington DC. While being interviewed by Stephen Colbert (for his “Report”) Mr. Westmoreland was asked to name “them” meaning the commandments, as in all ten. Well, he was able name almost three correctly; these guys need their morality, honestly and knowledge graded on a curve, although Roger’s “out pitch” is a splitter.

NEW CONTRIBUTOR

We are introducing a new contributor, Mr. Raymond Stanley Thomas Coadd (pronounced Code), a gentleman from the area who’s political philosophy was influenced by his college roommate who hails from Little Rock, Arkansas. He says he has learned much from this son of the south as his writings will show. He has, at times, just a bit of an edge. His submission today:

My man for president, Sen. John McCain is on the way to go all the way and I don’t appreciate the nicknames given to him in this blog. McMime, McMimic, McSame or whatever. If he’s “Bush heavy” instead of Bush light, so what we finally got a war hero supporting war and a victim of torture who speaks out against torture, unless the base coerces him to change of course. Non the less he’s gathering our crowd again including George Allen who lost his Senate re-election bid to another war hero Jim Webb, mainly because of his well you know, personal words and deeds, and ….. a video cam. Anyway don’t you 69% fringe of all voters who claim you’re willing to vote for a black man to pollsters feel you can’t return to our past in the voting booth. Just not our loud please, so the Faux won’t be calling him John Macoca.
Submitted by Stanley

WILL JOHN MCCAIN MCMIME GEORGE BUSH OR WILL HE NOT?

When asked this past Sunday how his presidency would be different from a third Bush term Mr. McCain, mcmimed, talked of reducing spending (for almost three seconds) and switched the subject. He has, to be sure been making progress in uniting the “more conservative” member’s of the Republican base (which is kind of like referring to the whiter members of a 1950’s restricted country clubs), but can he out pander Flitt Romney?

TRAILER PARK BRASH

FEMA’s done it or would we say failed to do it again. This time it’s regarding the trailers in which citizens evicted by Katrina are still living. The problem is the build up of formaldehyde (5 times the safe amount in an average house) which is increasing and hazardous, the origin of this being the plywood in the trailers, which FEMA seems unable to deal with. But they do know how to take care of certain people, namely their own, because while they’ll let our citizens live in such habitats, they won’t even send their own people into the trailers to monitor. And these are the folks who are supposed to give aid and comfort, in case of terrorist attack: feel safer yet? Oh, 39 % of these trailers are still in use, heck of a job clownies.
February 16, 2008

HOPE MCCAIN’S NEXT SWITCH IS NOT A TORTURE SCORCHER

John McCain has McMimed President Bush on several issues, and we hope there’s one (at least) on which he holds his moral ground. First he opposed The Bush more riches to the rich tax cut, twice in fact, before caving and now seems he’d make them permanent because to restore them to the Clinton (you folks remember when the economy was up and so was our government’s surplus) level would be a “tax hike” and he’s never voted for one, huh. More about this down the deficit road.
Mr. McCain also has changed his focus on immigration by de-emphasizing paths to citizenship for those who are here illegally but have committed no crimes in residence. Instead he’s bowing to a rather base base while talking mainly about borders and fences, regarding immigration, and recently, nothing else.
But let’s give credit; he’s been McCain not McMimic when it comes to his steadfast opposition to allowing water boarding or other forms of torture in prisoner interrogations. With the trial of some accused 9/11 planners (where’s Rudy Tuesday when we need him) looming, this issue is sure to surface. Why, because at least some confessions obtained involved the aforementioned water boarding and at least one Army prosecutor has already resigned rather than go forward on evidence obtained in that manner. If Mr. McCain panders on this issue, he’ll have to take a path involving some pretty tortured logic, hope not, but we don’t yet know not.
February 14, 2008

FRIDAY FAUXLOSOPHY

For this Friday's Fauxlosophy we feel two are needed.

1. Sadly, and astonishingly so many Americans believe the following is coincident; that the country (ours) with the most guns, has the most gun homicides.
2. Children and puppies have one tense; now, and one direction forward. Our heart goes out to those at Northern Illinois University.

MIKEHECKOFATHREE WAS SUCH A GOOD THREE THAT NOW HE’S A TWO

With Flitt Romney having fled, Mike Huckabee is now the “two” man if not the “too late” man chasing John McMime. Is he trying to be the big “two” as in McCain’s VP nomination? Possibly, but could we afford to have someone who’s a 72 year old plus heartbeat away from the presidency, who actually thinks we should abolish the IRS and replace it with, get this, an oppressive (to the poor and middle class) sales tax of well over 20%. See, there’s the advantage of John McCain, he does not believe in torture and on finances, is only half crazy, but . . . since he didn’t dodge the draft, hard right conservatives can’t identify with him.