SHOULDN’T OUR TROOPS BE ALLOWED TO PRACTICE SAFE TREKS?

    Since by all accounts from the Pentagon, to the
media, well over 50% of our soldiers’ casualties in Iraq are caused by
EAP’s, Explosive Armed Penetrators, we need to ask, what then, has our
troop supporting (in word) administration done indeed.  Well, with
apologies to Shakespeare, in deed, they have done little. 
Consider dear readers, that 5 billion (with a “B”) dollars has been
funded to study this lethal problem 18 months ago; and currently only
25% has even been expended by the Pentagon, with no tangible
improvements for troop protection yet in place.

    But . . . there is an answer, called the MRAP (Mine
Resistant Ambush Protection) vehicle, and one man, Senator Joe Biden,
has proposed their acquisition be made part of the Supplemental
Emergency Budget scheduled to go before President Bush.  The
upside is that they do, in fact, provide 4 to 5 times the protection
than the current armored Humvees do, when they’re actually armored that
is.  The downside is that the military estimates state that about
8,000 of said vehicles will be necessary to our troops, but only 200
are currently available.

Oh, we’re told Haliburton has a version in the works and has assured
the administration (we’re not kidding here) they’ll be ready as early
as 2011.  Think it might just come in over bid.

    We realize this edition of Faux News has a bit more
data than the other F.Xin’ news, but then it would be tough to have
less.

THE BAR –SET- SO- LOW RANCH DEPT. BUSH NEVER A DOLE MAN, AND MAYBE NOT A SOUL MAN

    Robert Dole was never a guy the Bush’s
embraced.  For one thing, he was following Bush’s 41’s attempt to
defeat Bill Clinton and for another, he tended to concentrate on issues
not just gut feelings.  President Bush, as we’ve come to know,
does it differently as he can feel peoples’ inner character, and thus
not be overly influenced by their actual outside deeds.  Two
recent issues come to mind, the first of which involves Harriet Miers –
Mr. Bush’s would be nominee for the Supreme Court.  While her
academic and legislative background was obviously lacking, she would
have been literally an alternative action admittee (like our president
was at Andover) if Mr. Bush had his way, due to what was, in his
estimation, her sterling character.  Looks like the sterling
needed a lot of polish because it seems Ms. Miers was behind a scheme,
which with the eventual help of Attorney Private, I mean Attorney
General Albert Gonzalez was to fire all 93 United States Attorneys so
as to replace them with political friendlies.  She’s some
character, huh?

    In another soul lurching judgment, recent editorials
(and funerals) have brought to the fore the tendencies of Vladimir
Puttin’s critics in the journalist world to shall we say
undemographically die.  It turns out that 13, no as of last week
make that 14, such members of the Russian media have met untimely and
suspicious deaths.  What does this have to do with the
illumination supplied by the Souler-in-Chief, a lot – because of all
the foreign leaders, Mr. Bush has met, Mr. Puttin was the only one
where he specifically affirmed that he had “looked into his soul” and
was satisfied  . . . Satisfied, we wouldn’t think so, but jealous
of Mr. Puttin’s options, we could see that. Come to think of it, we’d
better go hide now. 

UPPER BIRTH DEPT.

    Congratulations to our Editor Joshua Rosenstein and
his lovely bride Sarah on the birth of their first son joining the
family with Baby “R”.  The labor was a blessed 23 minutes flat;
they’re young; they’re healthy; they practice.  May all due
blessings come to them.

CUT AND RUM DEPT; WAR TIMELINE NEWS – EVERYTHING’S COMING UP ROSES

                  
In February of 2003, Donald Rumsfeld lent us his expertise on the
timeline in Iraq, “will it take six days, six weeks, oh, I doubt as
much as six months”, in describing how long the fighting would
last.  Do we hear an “under or over” for six years?  Well,
our president’s war of choice in Iraq has now lasted longer than the
Korean Conflict, and longer than WWII marking it as certainly one of
our longest if least intelligently handled wars or should we say civil
wars, ever.  But  . . . as civil wars go, this one is pretty
short term compared to say the War of the Roses (1455-1485) over the
throne of England.  Wait, didn’t VP Cheney say we’d be greeted as
liberators with flowers?  That old crafty President of Vice, he
knew it all along and was trying to tell us, you see, a War of the
Roses by any other name would be . . . And bye the buy, here’s what
else that VP Rich-head knew:  Haliburton stock in March of 2003
was $20.50 a share and in March of 2007 adjusted for a split on ’06,
it’s now valued at $64.12 a share.  So for Mr. Cheney, everything
in this war is coming up roses. 



* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  



          Recently, after
we’d written about the sloppy planning for this war, re: intelligence,
no WMD’s, inadequate armor, poor handling of the Iraq army, etc.,
someone asked why we at FNN.C don’t spend at least sometime discussing
what our Gerrymander-in-Chief has done right.  Easy, because we
hope to be paid by the word. 

THIS SPORTING STRIFE

    Once upon a quarter mile time there was this very,
very fast horse, whose practices and skills were exceptional but whose
performance in actual big time races was lackluster.  Too high
strung, too distracted or too something, whatever the reason, this
skilled horse couldn’t get it done when it counted.  Then someone
in the stable had an idea; get the horse an entourage to keep it
company in its stall and to travel with it when on the road.  Said
companionship consisted of a mule and a long eared dog and the hope was
that this horse, now reassured, would run like it was able and other
horses weren’t.

    The New York Yankees have a thoroughbred of their
own, Alex Rodriguez, who has had some challenges in the “big race”
himself.  Perhaps in a not so random act of mindness, the Yankees
acquired Doug Mientklewicz who happens to be a long time friend of
A-Rod’s – in fact was his go to guy as a pass catching end when they
were high school football teammates in Florida and Alex was the
quarterback.  Now, we’re not comparing Mr. Minetklewicz to a long
eared dog but maybe if Rodriguez has some sort of comfort zone in the
locker room, he’ll get in the zone for the season, and more
importantly, the post-season.  Yankees fans can only hope. 
Oh, and the horse, it ran into history and literature, and went by the
name of Seabiscuit.

YOU GOT TA ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE

   National forums are pointing out that Hilary Clinton tends
to add a little twang to the gang, especially when she is speaking to a
down home southern gang, that is.  They refer to her appearance
this past Sunday, March 4th in Selma, AL marking the anniversary (also
attended by Barack Obama) of the 1965 civil rights march across the
Edmund Pettus Bridge, and all brutality against the marchers that
ensued.  Politicians showing up at famous (or infamous) locales in
the Civil Rights struggle is not a new thing, witness the kick off of
Ronald Reagan’s presidential campaign in 1980 at the town of
Philadelphia, Mississippi.  That Philadelphia story, was a sad
one; it was the place where three (3) Civil Rights workers were
tortured and then murdered in 1964, as told in the movie “Mississippi
Burning”.  Interestingly, the Republican slant towards such events
can be a touch different as Ronald Reagan reiterated the states’ rights
arguments that the Mississippi locals had rused to try and prevent an
FBI investigation.



    You know since at Selma Democrats were honoring the
victims and at Philadelphia the Republicans were echoing the ploys of
those who would protect the murderers, it’s actually quite a bit
different.  And as to the Hilary fake accent bit, Mr. Bush that
genuine son of the south himself (Southern Connecticut that is) chose
to comment using his most sincere upper crust Andover accent “well yur
either fir her or agin her”.  So spoke the Accentuator-in-Chief.

PRESIDENT BUSH, Rx-RATED, FRIEND OR FAUX

There’s breaking, but not price breaking news on the prescription drug
front these days.  It seems the big drug companies are losing
their ability in court to prevent the production of generic drugs,
which are the exact equivalent to their brand in every respect. 
Well, not in every respect as NBC news pointed out this week since a 30
day supply of Prozac costs $147.99 and a 30 day supply of the generic
equal costs $24.99.  So what have the price addicted druggies
done?  They’ve taken to paying off the generic firms, a ploy which
has become known as “reverse payments” or “pay to delay” – the fairer
generic price for Americans, that is. 

    The Democratic congress is rapidly working on a law
against “pay to delay”, so we know where they stand, on the side of
those needing their medicines to survive.  Any guess from the
FNN.C fans as to if President Bush is a friend or faux of the people,
especially the elderly in need?

    So what to do:  We at FNN.C have some health
tips for your body and pocketbooks, and you can be patriotic in the
bargain.

1)    Vote Republican

2)    Get and stay very rich

3)    Never get sick (perhaps your most patriotic gesture of all)

LOOSE LIPPIES SINK WELL . . . LOUIS LIBBY

A few quick tips from the FNN.C to help Mr. Libby scoot impending problems.



1)    Don’t think on this earth anyone believes you or your

bunch on their best day is more reliable than Tim Russert

on his worse.  Even those that vote for your side know you’re liars.

2)    Rove and Cheney wouldn’t pee on you if you were on

fire; quick cut a yellow cake deal to cook your yellow friends.  They’re cowards, always have been.

3)    Drop the name “Scooter”, not good for prison, rhymes

with Hooter.

4)    Say alcohol made you hit on the pages  . . . oh, wrong

alibi manual, sorry.

5)    Remember, in prison the quality of rooms and roommates

vary, so cover up.

IT’S THE WASTE, STUPIDS

Recently Barak Obama and John McCain, both
presidential candidates, made what we at Faux News Network see as a similar
well, faux pax. Mr. Obama got about a week’s worth of heat for his: when he
referred to our troop losses in the Iraq/U.S. quagmire as “wasted lives”.  The furor involving McCain, who made his
remark on the David Letterman show lasted much less, just a couple of days,
which is puzzling because again to us the statements seem pretty similar; you
folks judge.  Mr. McCain used and
apologized (as did Mr. Obama) for the phrase “wasted lives”.  Hmm, “wasted lives” vs. “wasted lives”, sounds
similar on the surface, doesn’t it?  That
said, we at FNN.C are willing to offer our services as speechwriters/wordsmiths
for both these guys:  because these were not “wasted lives”, as those who
have fallen in Iraq
quite obviously led purposeful, volunteer and patriotic lives.  Rather, what
we would suggest they and all other
Americans say to President Bush was that they were not “wasted lives” they were
“wasted deaths”.  Again, to Bush and
company try and get it, as in “it’s the economy, stupid”; “it’s the wasted
deaths, stupids”.

DICK FOR COVER DEPT.

Imagine if the deadly February 28, 2007 attack on the US base at Bagram had
wounded VP Dick Cheney there on an unannounced visit and imagine further that he
received the same sub-par treatment in his recovery as have so many of our
GI’s.  This would indeed have been unfortunate, of course, but imagine all this
happening after a young Mr. Cheney made it such a personal mission to avoid any
military missions, witness his 5 deferments from the Vietnam
era draft.  Well, it seems, the fates don’t always have a sense of irony; lucky
for Mr. Cheney.  And maybe lucky for us, because who can say how his successor,
George Bush, would have governed.