A THAIN IN THE BUTT

John Thain was the former Merrill Lynch executive who handed 4 billion dollars in bonuses to his former employees just as the firm was being taken over by Bank of America. He is the same gentleman who spent 1 million dollars to renovate his office with such things as a pair of chairs for $87,000, the famous commodore legs for $35,000, as well as many other assorted goodies.

Here's the fascinating part about Mr. Thain; many insiders believe that he was John McCain's choice for to be the Secretary of Treasury. And if people wonder why we at the Faux are still intense about the election that the good guys already won, its because it's increasingly more frightening what might have been had they lost.
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SOME PRETTY TONE DEFT STUFF

President Barack Obama's first interview was not given to a member of the US press, it was given to Al-Arabiya a moderate Arab Saudi station. No President before Barack Obama even used the word Muslim in his inaugural address, but we predict that almost every President afterwards will. And President Obama tome here was pretty open; he spoke about his own Muslim relatives, about having lived in Muslim countries, and he said "all too often the US starts by dictating". Obama wants to start with everyone listening, not just the moderate Palestinians, not just the moderate Israeli's, but Hamas the everyone includes you.
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FRIDAY FAUXLOSOPHY

The earth revolves and evolves and so must our brains.

THE CONSERVATIVE MOMENT ON STAGE - WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR SO MUCH

Reading Bill Kristol in the NY Times on January 26th reminds us of a line said by John Stewart on The Daily Show "Oh Bill Kristol, are you ever right?" We would actually rephrase that to say "Oh Bill Kristol, are you ever even center?" Bill Kristol looks back to the times of Ronald Reagan and attempts to enumerate all the positive legislation that conservatives have proposed, and we are thinking Iraq, Katrina, the stock market, social security in the stock market, what planet was he watching?

Conservatives have never been good at governing, they have been good at electioneering. They are good at using methods of hate and fear which they have done by their own admission and will continue doing as long as it works. This leads us to one of our main quotes by Karl "Roosevelt" Rove "we have nothing to fear other than not having the use of fear itself".

P.S. In his article Bill Kristol does mention FDR, but he only mentions a speech he gave after Pearl Harbor, purposely missing his message about how Republicans use fear to grab government, not to run government.
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HERE'S TO HOPING PITTSBURGH STEELS THE DEAL

Kudos to the Roonies, owners of the Pittsburgh Steelers, for taking a stand so unlike their fellow owners in the NFL. Specifically they came out in support of a non-Republican candidate, obviously our now President Barack Obama. The NFL has been described by Faux News Network as the ultimate communist cabal among very rich right wing Republicans as they share their unbelievable lucrative TV contracts and charge such high license fees that the NY Giants are receiving most of the money for the new stadium on the backs of the fans who have been loyal for 5 or 6 decades.

For this reason we give kudos to the Roonies for taking this stand, and we predict the Pittsburgh Steelers will continue to take their "stand" and we are rooting for the Steelers and with all due respect to the Arizona team (which has a great story) they just may not be in the "cards".
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OILS WELL WITH LEBANON

We heard on ESPN sports and apparently its correct that the only Arab country that has been a democracy from day 1 is Lebanon. It is also the only Arab country that has never had oil. Due to their lack of oil they actually had to take care of their people, encourage citizens to work and give women equal voting rights.

So oils well in Lebanon...because they have none.
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WE PLAGIARIZE IN ADVANCE...AGAIN

As you know, prior to the campaign being settled we at the Faux had a number of nicknames for a number of candidates. We called Hillary Clinton "Hillium" (not Billary), we called Mike Huckabee who always seemed to be 3rd in the polls "Mike Heck-of-a-three" and we called Mitt Romney who changed all his positions "Flit Romney". Rudy Guiliani who had one good day in his life (9/11, a Tuesday) became "Rudy Tuesday", are our now recently inaugurated President we called "Barack to the Future" Obama. He was actually saluted with exactly that title at the Australian open two days ago, exactly 17 months after we first gave him that title.

We have plagiarized in advance in the past, but we have seldom plagiarized this far in advance. Again, that's the up and over from down under and we thank the Aussies for saluting our President and of course when we plagiarize next in Australia we will attampt to make it on a more current basis.
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NEW WEBSITE

A specialized website which many men and a few women should subscribe to (we havent started it yet but we already have the name) and it is

www.shegivesawaymypunchline.com
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FUNDAMENTAL TRUTHS

By most accounting's, the Presidential inauguration had just under 2 million people in attendance, and by all accounting's (confirmed by the Washington DC police) a number that will never again be equaled...there were zero arrests. What we at the Faux wish, is that all fundamentalist society's (including but not limited to the Arab Mullah's and the American right wing "am" talk show bunch et el.) look and see the honest spontaneity of these people celebrating the American way of life and way of deciding government. This was spontaneous, unless they really believe or tell their respective hoards (or herds, take your choice) that these 2 million people gathered together 3 days before for rehearsal to "get it right". But "get it right" is what this crowd did, it was there for the right reason, and unlike when Saddam Hussein's statue was toppled and people were paid to cheer, in this case people paid for the privilege of cheering and are happy they did so. It was America at it's best and Americans at their best.

Again we hope the fundamentalist society's that we have mentioned have taken notice. And maybe despite themselves they will learn something... anything.
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BRIDGE SALE AT THE FAUX

We are looking to sell the Gowanus bridge, we can't sell the Brooklyn bridge because we have already sold that this month and we never sell the same bridge twice in a month. But here's how we're going to do it; we need a subcription list of the NY Post. On the front page of the NY Post and the NY Times is an article regarding the indictment of former power broker (and Senate majority leader) of NY Joseph Bruno, indicted in a $3 million scandal. In the NY Times front page article it is never pointed out that he is a Republican and neither is it (of course) in the Republican leaning NY Post.

But here is where we sell the bridge; We found subscribers to the NY Post that really believe that if Bruno had been a Democrat that it wouldnt have been a leading part of the front page article in the NY Post, and also we will sell those who believe that if the NY Times had printed the same article on a Democrat wouldnt have mentioned it in the article, the right wing "am" folks (who will hopefully soon be "pm") would not have been howling. Anyways, Gowanus bridge; reasonable price, great view, full usage and inside information into the traffic pattern.
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FOLKSINESS PART 2

Now of course the former Senatorial contender from NY Caroline Kennedy was a presumptive choice to replace former Senator Clinton. Her big problem you know is that you know has that you know kind of you know speaking crutch you know. So that's the beauty of folksy, because when you are folksy you deliberately don't want a speaking coach, alas in the case of Caroline Kennedy she really needed one. And therefore Caroline, verbally we never knew ye...we really never got to know Caroline Kennedy, but we hope she'll be back on the public scene sometime soon, in the meantime - folksy on!
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HEY LOOK GOP...WE'RE DOIN' FOLKSY

We at the Faux have always said that smugness, cutsiness and folksiness are the three classic sins. Smugness fools you, it doesnt fool your opponents, rather it makes you fool yourself. Cutsiness just nauseates you. But Folksiness is downright dangerous, look at former President Bush and his group. Now, we're tols that Kirsten Gillibrand the new Senator from NY is a centrist, and as the NY Times headlines says...she is "folksy". And here we thought that definition was reserved for Republicans...
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AND THEIR REALLY MEAN TO THEIR ENEMIES

The military wing of Hamas as in the past has showed themselves in the present to be some pretty twisted misters. They have been torturing members of Fatah for the following crimes; being moderate and (and it doesn't get any more traitorous that this) smiling in public. We at the Faux have a number of questions (not that Hamas would answer them). First, what are the penalties for sarcasm? Second, since these are your Arab brethren, what are your plans for your enemies?

P.S. These torture methods include eye gouging, leg shooting and roof throwing among others.

THE FINAL 4

Hillary Clinton was confirmed 94-2 for Secretary of State, which makes her the 4th in line to the Presidency, following the President, Vice President and speaker of the house. Yes, she didnt win the oval office, but she did make it into the final 4.

A DIET INTELLIGENTLY DESIGNED

In Hudson station (Washington DC) on election day there was a 20 minute line to buy the newspaper, as many people wanted it as souvenirs. We at the Faux bought the Washington Post for our friends back in New Haven, and one interesting piece that caught our eye was on Ann Coulter. We at the Faux believe that Ann Coulter and Laura Ingram really make us examine (and believe in) intelligent design. Think about it; those two ladies are destined to never reproduce...and it doesn't get much more intelligent than that. And then there was Oprah's magazine, in which G-d bless her "ever increasing" diet advice, we feel that Oprah giving advice on dieting is comparable to Dick Cheney giving a lecture on constitutional law.

POLITICIAN, HEAL THYSELF

We feel it is undeniable that former President Bush encouraged an attitude within his administration, which set off a claim to fame that being a good Republican was the only patriotic thing to do. He also believed that being a “good American” had a hidden and rather sinister meaning; being a good conservative. This type of perception is not a Republican or Democratic problem, rather it is an American problem. These suggestions and attitudes were wrong in fact and wrong in spirit. While this was not (by any means) the only reason to shift political parties during this election season, it’s a darn good one.

REASSURING NEWS AND FRIGHTENING NEWS

We have both reassuring news and frightening news. The reassuring news is that former President Bush did his best; the frightening news is that President Bush did his best.

7 SCORE AND 4 YEARS AGO

Lincoln began his Gettysburg address with the words 4 score and 7 years ago. But it numerically ironic that 7 score and 4 years ago (144 years +) was the time period that saw Barack Obama get elected and all that it represents. Stephen Colbert has often “complained” that facts have a liberal bias. In this case it would seem numbers do as well.

PLAGIARIZING IN ADVANCE...AGAIN

On "Meet the Press" this past Sunday, Tom Brokaw caught us plagiarizing him in advance. If you recall, we said several months ago that Americans should want their President to be capable and for some reason recently we have focused more on likable. What we felt at the Faux was that the key is actually being adaptable. Well, Brokaw agreed and said exactly that this past Sunday. The test for Barack Obama will be adaptability. We apologize to Tom, he did a fine job substituting for Tim Russert until Dick Gregory took over, another plagiarizing prediction that we made and we owe an apology to NBC for that as well. We will try to keep things under control and keep up our plagiarizing in advance work in the future.

FRIDAY FAUXLOSOPHY

For parents and children;

Parents; Do not judge your children so harshly by comparing how many light years away they are from where you are. Think of how many light years ahead they are from where you were at their age.
Children; Appreciate your parents, remember, you needed their DNA far more than they needed yours.

MARKING THE MARKET AT THE INAUGURATION

A souvenir update from the day before the inauguration; wristbands are going 3 for $10, buttons were 2 for 10 then 3 for 20 now 2 for 5, and we will be looking for dollar buttons before we leave. T-shirts have been 1 for 10, they are now 2 for 15 and we are expecting that to drop. I just wish I hadn't put all my money in those John McCain futures.

AN INAUGURATING THOUGHT

Newt Gingrich (Newt Gingrich?) actually got it right when discussing whom Barack Obama should emulate and how he should construct his inaugural address. On the question of whom the new President should hang with, he (Newt) said Mr. Obama is a "unique human being" and the "person he should most hang out with is himself". We agree and to use as analogy the situation where a pitcher has a really live arm we would say to President Barack Obama; trust your stuff. Because anyone who has been watching and listening knows your stuff is really alright.

A Fine Score Honoring HIs Fourth Score

Martin Luther King would have been 80 years old on January 20, 2009 and while we at Faux cannot be sure if he ever believed he’d live to see the day (of President Obama’s inauguration) we hope some how it’s possible for him to be enjoying the day. Because in many, so many ways this time, this moment was made possible by in MLK’s times and MLK’s moments.

INTRODUCING SARA-MOST

We have been informed by Sara-most (a new staffer at Faux News) that there is a woman selling her virginity for 3.7 million dollars. Our first reaction as we shoot from the flip; how much to cop a feel? But beyond that it brought to mind, especially as we near the NFL Superbowl, the story of Vince Lombardi of the Green Bay Packers, a team noted for its extreme rivalry. It was brought to Mr. Lombardi's attention that the team was breaking curfew like there was never such a word. Vince Lombardi brought his team together (the average NFL salary at the time was approximately 50-60k per year) and told them that anyone caught violating curfew would be fined $5,000 the first time. Lombardi left the room only to return moments later, turned to Max McGee and said "Oh, and if you do find a woman worth $5,000 can you at least take me along so I can see her?"

We are reminded on Coach Lombardi and we can't help but think that this woman wants to be heard but even more so she wants to be seen and even more than that she wants to be felt (sorry, we couldn't help it). We are sure that one of the pictorials in our country will do a feature on her. Guaranteed, she will have her one issue of fame.

THE INNAUGURATION

To those who keep trying to minimize the role of government we feel that you are simultaneously minimizing the American people. Because, doesnt a great people deserve a great government?

FOR HOMELAND SECURITY-A PROOFREADER

The tragedy in Mumbai, India is still fresh, but we wonder if the lessons are. As president-elect Barack Obama said on "This Week," the first thing on his agenda when he wakes up every day is to "keep the American people safe." He's assembled a superb team, which we all do and by G-d should wish well, but that said, we've got the temerity to make a suggestion. And that is that there be a common sense proofreader much like the NYT has their Sunday "The Public Editor" section to review it's own performance. For example, had we had such a of group of "proofers" no doubt one would have said in August of 2001, "yeah, just why is it people are interested in learning how to steer planes but not how to land them?" The answer tragically was that they never intended to, but this is why you need self review. This is an approach the Bush folks resisted as much as they needed it, and if these proofers just catch one intelligence or governmental miss just one time, those that deserve it will get their just desserts. The proof will of course then be in the pudding.

FRIDAY FAUXLOSOPHY #2

To all those who would profit from or even tolerate the "gains" of the politics of intolerance we would say this to them. While being indifferent is not the same as doing evil its just as far distanced from doing good.

FRIDAY FAUXLOSOPHY

Why are so many knowledgeable Republicans more comfortable with Barack Obama at the helm of a moderate centrist economic policy, than if John McCain (Palin) were leading the country under a very conservative one? Why, its because they have 401k's.

The Holiday That's A Cut Above the Rest

There’s a few holidays, July 4th, December 25th , for example which are dates rather than days, as in being a Monday in the Spring and Fall to facilitate a three day weekend. One such, January 1st has just begun our year as it begins all our years but this first holiday of 2009 by definition has every bit as much to do with Jesus as does Christmas, his generally accepted birthday. Why, because January one is the date of the young Jewish Jesus’ circumcision. Thanks to Northern Rebb we (at the Faux) recently discovered this is well known by most all serious religious scholars, and that counting his birthday, this time honored, and now time marking ceremony would have come one week after his life began. To repeat (just) one of our creeds is “knowledge is good” (thank you “Animal House”) and we can think of few things the world needs more than an honest knowledge and respect for the customs of Jews, Christians and Muslims by Jewish, Christian and Muslims. And while people may debate whether Jesus died for our sins, he certainly went under the knife for our holiday of revelry, hope and resolution(s), and no doubt cried out as do all recently Jewish (and other) infants so ceremonially (or unceremonially) snipped. But after that cut, the infant healed – which we hope in some way really is one of the accomplishments of 2009.Which would make ’09 what it should be, a happy new year for all of Fauxvia.

A Holiday and Post Holiday Special: Carly Fiorina, Financial Advice Given at Half Off

Oh Carly you’re so feign, you probably think this song is about you. Well, it is. Recently on “This Week…” “Meet the Press”, and where ever else she had a platform, former CEO of Hewlett Packard Carly Fiorina has been weighing in on how to cure our national economic woes. These times do not present personal economic straights for Ms. Florina mind you because her severance package from Hewlett Packard was forty two (42) million (million) dollars. Her subsequent endeavor was to help micro manage John McCain’s economic policy during his presidential campaign (that worked well), and said then and (with a straight face) continues to say now that “they” in Washington were too concerned about the “big companies” and not the “small businesses” whom she’s regularly referred to as the “little guy”. We at the Faux bet most small business of those “little guys” had shares in the stock market including companies such as Hewlett-Packard, again Ms. Floirina’s former employer. And that’s an irony. We’ll explain.

You see, Ms Florina left Hewlett-Packard long before the current market downtrend and, to reiterate, she left with a buyout of forty two million dollars. So then did her performance justify this? You be the judge, because from when she first assumed the CEO position until the time she “decided” to leave, the value of the company she had led, that is Hewlett Packards (in the “little guys” 401K’s et. al.) had fallen by fifty percent. You betcha, her company was worth half what it was worth when she took over, that’s why we at the Faux call her suggestions on finance strategy, advice for those interested in a half off deal, but that is also why the new administration needs them; so they will know exactly what not to do. But now don’t be snarly, Carly; you got yours.