FROM THE BAR-SET-SO-LOW RANCH OR . . .INTERNATIONAL LAMPOON’S SUMMER VACATION

We’re not clear yet if the 2 months planned summer vacation for the Iraqi Parliament is still on, but even the very idea upsets us and we understand upsets our president too.  He’s got his pride, you know, he may be out worked but he won’t be out leisured.  Consider that he wouldn’t break away from a 6 week vacation in the summer of ’01 despite a memo stating “Osama Bin Laden determined to attack U.S.”, because well, no attack had happened yet; so why go back to work.  These Iraqi’s, however; are in a country experiencing a civil war with daily, almost hourly sectarian violence and they still talk of knocking off (each other?) for the summer while our soldiers are still out there as targets.
There is a satisfying side bar-so-high, from the Bar-Set-So-Low, however because . . . since we were attacked on 9/11, President Bush’s total vacation days have exceeded that of any two term president in history.  The great ones adjust.

A GIANT YANKEE PLAN

    As a NY Giants football fan, I’ve watched many late
season games focusing on that game day only because there were no
realistic hopes of going into the post season beyond one round, if
that.  Then, sigh, we Giant fans look onto next season and
consider what I like to call the play-off placebo, speculation on the
next year’s draft.  For us Yankee’s fans too, some of this may now
be necessary, and some, may be optimistically different.  This
season 2007, the Yankees are gone, even the wild card is off the
charts, much less any chance of catching the ‘07 Red Sox  which
look more like the ‘98 Yankees than any team in recent memory. 
What then for Yankee fans to do?  First, is watch, try and enjoy
each game as a separate entity and ideally if more of the younger
pitchers; Hughes, Karstens, Rassner, et al, regain health and get
experience, there will be the strength of a well armed future to build
on.  Second, unlike the football draft for the Giants, the
baseball off season for the Yankees is not structured, and that is
where the Yankee advantage in dollars, big dollars could(?) serve us
well.  Consider, dear readers, the average fan spends $100.00 per
game at Yankee stadium, between ticket price, food, etc; and some 4.3
million in attendance (a record) are expected this year despite the
other record, i.e. NY’s won lost.  The result is a gross income
(not counting the souvenir catalogues, radio fees and YES Network
returns) of approximately 430,000,000 dollars.  So, how do you
support a $190,000,000 plus payroll, that’s how.  And
with                    
what promises to be a great free agent crop: that may include Tori
Hunter, Ichiro, Andrew Jones and others, the Bronx Bomber’s fans may be
playing “speculation ball” from June on, if they aren’t already. 
And as for the Red Sox, we have to tip our hat:  the Boston Herald
had proclaimed they are “the best team in baseball”, who can argue.

A GUNS AND POSES UPDATE - A NOT SO SWEET 16

Imagine there was a medicine – let’s call it ballistica, which made
folks feel powerful and safe, and was dispensed in all 50 states, but,
with an ominous undercurrent.  And that was that the states with
highest use of ballistica had markedly higher, and sudden death rates
than those that didn’t, especially among 5 to 14 year old
children.  This, even though such youngsters are not allowed to
purchase ballistica.  Wouldn’t there be an outcry, a non-partisan
outcry, to examine the problem of ballistica proliferation?  We
would like to think so.  Imagine further that there were 105,000
doctors prescribing this drug but one percent, just one, were
responsible for 60% of the incidents where it was misused; would these
doctors be allowed to stay in business and if they were, who would
visit them anyway?  Well if you, dear readers, haven’t guessed, in
the faux universe ballistica is our symbol for guns, and the doctors
are arms dealers.  But numbers here are not symbolic, they are
actual and, lethal, please follow.  The facts are these: 
seriously and sadly, only vehicular crashes and cancer claim more lives
of children in the U.S. then do guns.  The last time there was a
comprehensive survey covering a decade or more, it was found that
certain states stood out as to mortality, and guns per capita involving
5 to 14 year olds.  The dominant factor in high death rates was
not education level, or rate of poverty, but the simple truth (we don’t
consider this a liberal or conservative truth, just a truth truth) that
fewer guns meant fewer children killed and more guns meant more
children killed, by not only homicide, but suicide as well.  The
high gun states were, and we understand are, Louisiana, Alabama,
Mississippi, Arkansas and West Virginia (West Virginia?) and the low
gun states were Hawaii, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, New Jersey and
Delaware.  And the difference is not 3 or 5 or even 10 times the
death rate:  it’s a not so sweet 16. 

    A Doonesbury strip on this subject some years ago
said it best, taking on firearm apologists thusly: “So then guns don’t
kill kids, kids kill kids”.  We close with wishes for a safe and
happy holiday, and the Hunter’s Prayer:  “Oh Lord, oh Lord, if you
can’t help me, please don’t help the bear”.

    When it comes to auto safety and cancer; everyone in
America seems determined to work on behalf of a remedy and cure; when
it comes to gun deaths, so many seem to support the cause, to help the
bear.  When it comes to our kids safety, are we friend or faux?

FROM THE ASHCROFT OF DEFEAT – THE EAGLE SOARS

    John Ashcroft is one strange bird, and not just
because, like birds, he intensely fears cats, considering them agents
of Satan, dogs on the other hand, we guess work for purgatory. 
Really he’s known for that, the cat stuff, we mean.  And it’s not
certainly because of his rendition of “Let the Eagle Soar” – which is
actually sort of functional.  No, what distinguishes Mr. Ashcroft
and where he really spread his wings is an episode of what we at Faux
News Network.com would call Attorney General Hospital.  This all
took place in March of 2004 when, according to former Deputy AG, James
Comey, the White House tried to get the seriously ill Mr. Ashcroft to
sign off on a continuation of eavesdropping, despite the opinion of
Mssrs. Ashcroft and Coley that the program, as proposed, was
illegal.  And who were the men dispatched on this White House
mission implausible, why it was White House Chief of Staff, Andrew Card
and one Alberto Gonzales.  Once made aware, John Ashcroft refused
to go along and that is to his credit.  Mr. Comey’s memory of that
time is clear; he and FBI Director, Robert Mueller, had to arouse a
virtually unconscious John Ashcroft to avert yet another presidential
mis-adventure; that darned Constitution.  Mr. Bush, could you
please remember your job description and get rid of Gonzales finally,
although, in fairness, you’ll have to remind him of what’s happened
because we’re sure he’s already forgotten. 

ON BABBLING BROOKS

    There would be no sense in establishing a “Friend or
Faux Award” until next year, since this year’s has been won before it
could be contested, and that’s because there’s no faux like a nuanced
faux and, with apologies to James Bond’s “The Spy Who Loved Me”, no one
nuance’s it better than David Brooks of the NY Times.  In each of
the next few weeks, we’ll bring you, dear readers, such an example, of
months, sometimes years of Mr. Brooks’ complete sentences in lieu of
complete truths, and then the heartfelt disclaimer of 3 to sometimes as
many as 7 seconds, in duration or even, get this, a part of a sentence.

    One such faux for the ages took place several months
ago on “Meet The Press” during a discussion of the great numbers of
Iraqi’s who have decided that rather than greet us as liberators,
they’ll leave Iraq as emigrators, preferring to live in a refugee camp,
in tents, rather than under our version of non-civil war.  Brooks
allowed that “these people (now over 2,000,000) are not leaving Iraq
because they’re reading the NY Times” (you think), conceding that this
is no (left wing) media creation.  And then Brooks continued, sooo
quickly . . . and sooo quietly . . . that he had bought into that (and
wrote it as well) for some time, and in an instant, the discussion of
so many, many arguments which led but mislead was dismissed and he went
forth to babble-on, in the mid-east, among other places.  More to
follow, from David Brooks, and us.

A FAUXWELL FAREWELL TO FALWELL

    Jerry Falwell was a man who engendered strong
reactions, having been called an “agent of intolerance” as well as a
man with a right to play a major role in the Republican Party. Actually
he was described both those ways by the same man, John McCain (in 2000
standing up to the Republican establishment) and in 2006 (bowing to the
same) proving that in addition to polarizing people, he could polarize
a person.



Mr. Falwell called Muhammad a terrorist on “60 Minutes” and certainly
some practice terrorism in Muhammad’s name. Yet, of those Falwell
himself considered terrorists, he said we should “blow them all away in
the name of the Lord”.  He also blamed 9/11 on permissive elements
in American society including “pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays,
and the ACLU”, among others.  Reverend Falwell bragged about his
support for Israel and claimed to have warm feelings for Jews
maintaining they were welcome into his version of Heaven, as long as
they embraced his brand of Christianity, that is.  He was 73 years
old and Jerry, alas, we really knew ye. If you’ve planned correctly for
your next journey, you need not worry about the winter coat.

THE LOOK BEFORE YOU LEPER SHOW

    Apparently Lou Dobbs in his passionate crusade
against all immigrants (is he of Native-American descent by the way?)
has claimed that there are over 7,000 new cases of leprosy in the U.S.
in the past few years.  This Mr. Dobbs asserts is due to
“unscreened illegal immigrants”.  Since according to the U.S.
Center for Disease Control, 1985 was the year when there was the
greatest number of new cases (less than 400) recorded, and it’s gone
down since; Dobbs’ theory is difficult to believe.  We at Faux
News Network.com were considering fighting the urge to make a bad leper
joke about Mr. Dobbs to his network, CNN, but nah.   So how
about this one: may Dobbs’ limp dictum, not rooted in fact, weaken, and
eventually fall off; in influence that is.  And may he then learn
to look before he lepers. 

YOUNG NAZIS, OLD NAZIS, FEEL ALRIGHT ON A WARM UBER ALLES NIGHT

This past week marked the 22nd anniversary of President Ronald Reagan's
memorable but unsettling visit to the Bitburg Cemetery in West Germany
to honor war dead from the German Army of WWII. In this burial ground,
there lay 49 members of the SS and many around the world didn't feel
they deserved all that much honor. Elie Weisel, a Nazi death camp
survivor among many others, implored Reagan not to pay homage to these
notorious waffen SS troops, but despite the legendary warm smile,
President Reagan had a rather cold agenda and layed a wreath where the
soldiers were interred. The qualifier by the Reagan administration (in
the tradition of complete sentences in lieu of complete truths) was
that many of the soldiers at Bitburg were young; not that the SS
officers were.



I've never argued with conservative thinking Jews involving the
political right's commitment to Israel, although the only president to
threaten Israel with withholding aid was a Republican. My problem is
that so many Republican I've heard, and I've known, may not seem
anti-Semitic, and they may not act anti-Semitic, but they so
comfortably seem to tolerate that which is anti-Semitic. And on that
matter, I add some personal perspective: when Jesse Jackson uttered his
infamous description of NYC as "Hymie Town"; more than one black friend
apologized to me as a Jew, and said Mr. Jackson certainly did not speak
for them. No supporter of Mr. Reagan with whom I'm acquainted, and
there are many, has ever modified their conservatism with any such
compassion, to this day.

DON’T, . . . WE MEAN DO BLAME THE DICTUM

    With all the discussion surrounding George Tenet,
whose name ironically means doctrine, this much is clear; everyone in
the White House after September 11, 2001 was looking for a reason to
tie the attacks to Iraq.  They had their ideological verdict in
place, they just had to get the sham trial done; and while they did,
the lowlifes who actually killed innocent Americans got to escape in
the confusion of Afghanistan.  When will those law and disorder
folks get it; pre-judging a crime is a failure on many levels; in
addition to coming after the wrong guys, you stop searching for the
right ones.  Makes you wonder why some resist using available DNA
evidence in terrorist crimes, capital crimes, or any crimes; quick is
better than correct, we guess.  And our political right might, in
the bargain, get a bit more respect domestically and around the globe
if they focused on getting it right.

THIS SPORTING STRIFE; ROGER GETS A HAND, AND A HANDFUL

    Yankee haters, and Red Sox lovers sometimes, believe
it or not, the same folks have a right to be annoyed with New York’s
signing of Roger Clemens.  The Yanks have made the ultimate
mercenary move with the ultimate mercenary player but . . . we at Faux
News Network love it.  Hey, among other things, it’s the classic
complete sentence which is not a complete truth.  Consider the
“free agent” Yankees probable rotation; Chein Ming Wang, Mike Mussina,
Andy Pettitte, Roger Clemens, Philip Hughes, and as swing man, Darrell
Rassner, the ultimate import group, right, or maybe.  Because
Wang, Pettitte (a resign), Hughes, and Rassner, are actually Yankee
products; who knew that?  Now, you folks
do.                         


                                                                                             


    The Red Sox, currently the best team in baseball
have a
rotation of Kurt Schilling, Josh Beckett, Dice K. (can’t spell it), Tim
Wakefield, and Julian Taverez, an entirely home grown bunch, right,
except for Schilling, Beckett, Dice K, Wakefield and Taverez.  But
the old town Boston team does have at least 3 farm products on the
major league roster, another complete sentence; because the Yankees'
squad, with the highest payroll in the major leagues, happens to have
many more than 3
from their system; and that’s a pretty complete truth.

IMUS (MAYBE) OFF HIS MOORING, BUT AS COMPARED TO WHOM

Some aftermath is in order.  In an attempt to
achieve a meeting of the minds between the principle parties here, and
some laughs, well at least some laughs, we proposed on this site, a
basketball meeting between some Rutgers women and Imus’ snide-kicks,
McCord and McGuirk, we sent letters, return receipt to the
following:  Tim Russert, Gwenn Ifill, Eugene Robinson, John
Hardwood, David Brooks, C. Vivian Springer, Gino Auriemma, Mike
Fracesca, and Christopher Russo but have heard nothing.  Too busy,
too scared, who knows.  Two of the gentlemen on our mailing list,
David Brooks of the NY Times, and John Harwood of The Wall Street
Journal, were on Meet the Press involved in a lengthy discussion of
race, and verbal insults in the Imus aftermath and, gave clear examples
of what conservatives in 2007 have learned from this affair. 
First consider one David Brooks whose actual dazzling level of insight
is almost equal to his self estimate of same.  Mr. Brooks has been
a guest on Mr. Imus’ show regularly for the last 4 years, and like all
guests, waits on the phone line hearing the broadcast until his
interview begins.  Now get this gang, this conservative master of
insight said he never (until now) realized that Don Imus’ show engaged
in negative stereotypes regarding blacks and women, and others. 
Reminds one of “Animal House’s” Faber College which proudly proclaimed
“Knowledge is good”.  And it gets gooder as John Harwood, of The
Wall Street Journal, another member of that wing of conservatism known
as the, “I Had No Idea Club”, allowed that he has just now come to
realize this (in April of 2007) that the Rap music to which his
children have been listening may have lyrics and messages denigrating
to women.  Here’s a clue Mr. Harwood, when you hear seventeen
words that rhyme with bitch, think about it.  These writers on the
right have their hand on the cultural pulse all right; we just wish
they were ones which had heart rates.