A J BURNOUT

The Yankees have a pitcher that they signed as a free agent, with what we believe is a five year contract, this year being the second year. Last year while in the regular season he had a 5.00+E.R.A, in the post season he did win a key game in the second game of the World Series. This year, whatever lobotomy he had last year didn’t take hold. He may have a 100 million dollar arm (his contract is more than that), but he has a ten cent head. He just can’t get it together and he’s screwed up game after game, he has lost 10 of his last 11 starts. Here’s the outside, we at FauxNewsNetwork.com propose to be his agent; we see two of the following three manufacturers as possible sponsors, Rolaids or Tums (obviously one or the other and since the Yankees advertise them as well). We think a partnership with Johnny Walker Black, of Johnny Walker Company would be in order. Because, when you watch AJ Burnout, I’m sorry again, Burnett, pitch you want to take antacids and drink.

RESISTING THE URGE

Clemens Taking A Oath On Monday, August 30, 2010 Roger Clemens pleaded not guilty to having lied under oath at a Congressional hearing. According to reports, he then left the court and went golfing. So we are trying – really, really trying - to resist the urge to talk about how well the driven man drove, how well the man with the iron will played his irons. And as far as putting and putts? History will be the judge; we did try to resist the urge, really.

POTENTIAL POPE PLOPS

Last year on Christmas, Suzzane Maiolo attempted to approach the Pope on his way to midnight mass (we assume to receive the blessing) and security prevented her from reaching him. This year, same lady and same Pope and same time of year, she was actually able to knock him over. Interestingly, now is not only the height of the Christmas season, it is also the height of the football season. So next year, when she undoubtedly will come for him again, we suggest that he practice the "leg whip" to avoid the oncoming rush and to protect him from potential Pope plops.

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WHATS ON THE POWER GRID, GRANDERSON TO YANKEES

Many Tigers fans are not happy about the recent Granderson trade to the Yankees, and we at the Faux have heard from them. We must remember the following though when analizing a power hitter. You must look road vs. home power, because you play alf your games on the road. Consider history Roger Marrus hit 61 homers with the 1961 Yankees and everyone was saying if not for that short porch in Yankees stadium, he could not have done it. Actually though, of his 61, 31 were on the road and only 30 were hit at home, he was a true power hitter. Now lets look at Granderson, as we know that Detroit has a rather spacious stadium. If he had 10 at home and 20 on the road, we can expect 40 home runs from him at Yankees stadium. Joe DiMaggio hit 240 Homers on the road and only 120 at Yankees stadium, meaning he "got killed" by playing half his games at Yankees stadium. So home is where the heart is, and maybe where the power is...if the fence is of your liking. We would love to see how Granderson plays in the new Yankees stadium, I guess we will all be experts a year from now.

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JASON AND THE GOLDEN EASE

There is a baseball player named Jason Marquis who has quite a career and record. He is literally the "golden fleece" of winning with a seeming "golden ease" wherever he has gone. Consider this; he has been in MLB for 10 years, and every single year his team has made the playoffs (Braves, Cardinals, Cubs and Rockies). He is a 31 year old free agent from Staten Island, who plans to go back there when he retires. Additionally, consider this; over the last 6 seasons he has won 11 or more games, and he celebrates both christmas and Hanukkah because even though his wife is Christian, Jason Marquis is Jewish.

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THE TRUTH WILL SET YOUR FEE

There is something called the health blue book which is a website that tells you how much your health care actually costs the insurance companies so we can get a feel if the markup is anything close to reasonable. We think the health care markup is similar to the stadium beer markup. In Yankees stadium, Citifield, and Fenway park they sell a cup of beer for $8.00 and their cost is 25 cents per bottle. What this blue book can do is make a lot of states feel blue or turn blue on the the health care matter; We have a feeling that the insurance companies will have their superb profits insured. This is an industry that devoted 20% of its workforce to NOT serving its function, their sole job is to DENY claims.

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LINING UP WITH THE REST

For years the NY Times and the Washington Post have been known for their condemnation of gambling and refusal to put betting lines as part of their sports stories. Yet recently, the lines, the bets, the over/under etc. has become part of the heart of American sports viewing. Last Sunday, the NY Times sports section reported the NFL wins and losses, each game analysis and for the first time in recent memory the betting lines. We at the Faux congratulate the NY Times for finally "lining" up with the rest.

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NFL = NATIONAL FINANCE LEAGUE

Listening recently to the broadcast of the NFL's American conference representative from NY we were struck by a couple of descriptions of traditional football locales. 1. When the green home team got into the Wendy's red zone 2. It was being reported from the Subway fresh radio booth. We thought, why stop there? Why not give names to individual plays? Perhaps the Ace Hardware power sweep. Or the Sears line plunge. Or a leap over the goal line should be the Viagra vaults. It seems there is different product placement that can be used in virtually every play description. Now of course, the coaches might have to design the plays to coordinate equal advertising time, or your Lojack defensive coordinator can steal your patterns and be onto you. Wait, did the coach just question a call by throwing the "Army, be all you can be" challenge flag?

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FAVRE AND AWAY, BACK AND AWAY AND BACK…

He’s here, hes gone, hes back hes changed his mind and now hes back again. Brett Favre is back playing for the Vikins and the only surprise that we at the Faux have is that anyone is actually surprised. Besides, for those of you who remember the political campaigns of his agent it all makes sense. His agent is Ross Perot… or Ross “I’m back in it” Perot.

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WHEN BIRD BRAINS BET; CAN-ARY HEADS BE FAR BEHIND?

We have all heard about the dogfights relating to NFL player Michael Vick. These also take place with cock fights where aggressive roosters put their “fowl friends” into the ring (sorry, couldn’t resist). Recently though, we have heard about the “canary and finch” fighting ring. Authorities have found thousands of dollars in bets placed on the winner of such a fight in which 2 male canaries and one female are placed into a ring and the 2 males battle each other for the female. So there are people who drive out and bet money to watch 2 canaries fight. Can you get any more (can)ary headed than that?

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ONE VERY HIP GOLFER

Tom Watson came within an eight iron, which probably should have been a nine iron, and almost won the British open. A 59 year old man, a couple months removed from 60, winning a major tournament is unfathomable. There’s no comparison for it, it can’t be done in any sport. If he had won this one he would have literally been the celebrity emperor of the world. But for one bad shot through the green, he subsequently lost. Stewart Cink certainly played well and deserved the playoff win, and we congratulate him for it. Not only is Tom Watson a classy guy, he’s a man who forced his country club to take on Jewish members when they wouldn’t by threatening to resign. He’s a man who spoke out when it would have been easy to just be the quiet good guy who just goes along with neglect and prejudice. But all that aside, Tom Watson played the British Open with 72 grueling holes plus a four hole playoff, and did it all with a hip replacement, making him as a golfer and a person, a very hip guy.

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G-D IS NO LONGER FRAGILE AT YANKEES STADIUM

We have great news. The lord is great, all powerful, omniscient, omnipotent and no longer fragile. Thanks to an agreement reached on July 6th in a NY federal court, people attending games at Yankees stadium now have the freedom (for whatever reason - personal, religious etc.) to leave the stadium during the singing of G-d bless America. This happened as a result of a lawsuit filed by a Queens resident named Bradford Campeau-Laurion, who was ejected from the stadium last year for attempting to go to the bathroom during this song. We at the Faux have had similar experiences, and we were successfully able to get the security to remove his hand from our arms by informing him that we as well as our bladders are both over 60 years old. One of the police stopping Bradford yelled at him to “get out of my country” (do the Yankees think they own this country also? We thought it was only NY), and while admitting no guilt the city of NY paid $12,000 in legal fees and $10,001 to Bradford Campeau-Laurion. Incidentally, Bradford is a Red Sox fan but he has done a great favor for Yankees fans, and hopefully it will reverse our curse we consider to be one of the 5 “great” curses in baseball history. To review, after 9/11 a directive was issued for all teams to play G-d bless America, but it was rescinded almost immediately. The Yankees, and only the Yankees (it seems) never got the memo and…haven’t won a world series since. So for those Yankees fans who are getting older, its great to know that G-d is no longer fragile…even if our bladders are.

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CRAIGLISTED

Last week a young pitcher from the Minnesota Twins named Craig Breslow served up a pitch to Yankees A-Rod which he hit for a game winning home run. Mr. Breslow is an interesting person, he has mainly played for several minor league teams and also helped win a state championship playing soccer. Interestingly, Mr. Breslow played baseball in college while studying at the prestigious Yale University and is often called the palyer with the highest score because of his boards. We wish him well and we hope that Craig should continue to be listed, as long ...as he doesn't beat the Yankees.

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ON FAITH MOST FRAGILE

A person at Yankees stadium (also an admitted Red Sox fan) is suing the Yankees because he was roughed up while trying to visit the mens room during the singing of G-d bless America. Surprisingly even the NY Post covered it. In 2001 MLB ordered that every stadium sing it during the 7th inning and they rescinded the order in 2002, and it seems that everyone but the Yankees got the message and dropped it. So to those who are upset if 5 or 50 or 500 people (out of 52,000) don’t stand during G-d bless America, we ask is your faith in the lord so fragile that need 100% of Yankees stadium to stand to reinforce it? We will be following this case, because even though I have always been and will continue to be a Yankees fan, I am also a fan of freedom of speech and the constitution. And sometimes, if a man is 50 or 60 years old…so is his bladder…so let him go.

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A FAUX-DUCIARY REPORT

While walking on the boardwalk in Tel Aviv and seeing thousands and thousands of people, what is remarkable is that no more than 10% of them have their head covered. Either a good cap or a good anti-sunburn campaign would be sure to do very well here. However from those that are wearing caps we have spotted 5 NY Yankees caps and only 1 NY Mets.

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THE JETER FUTURE, A SHORT STOP AT SHORT STOP?

There is much discussion about Derek Jeters’s ability to be the Yankees shortstop for the future as he has been for the past (and at least for now the present). Its hard to say where he will be after his contract is up at the end of the 2010 season, but our guess is that the Yankees will move him to left and put Johnny Damon who has one year left on his contract at shortstop. It’s sad to hear people criticizing Jeter for getting a bit slower as he gets a bit older, I mean think of the alternative to not getting older. We at the Faux still consider Jeter a great player and suffice it to say that with him at short the Yankees are still “well armed”.

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YANKEES PRESEASON OR PRECURSOR SEASON?

2 of the biggest days in the Yankees season were actually not during the season. The first was March 15th when Jorge Posada took his place behind home plate and the second was March 17th when Mariano Rivera took the mound to pitch. If these two players are on track, the loss of A-Rod should prove to be non-essential, yet if they do well the prognosis stays well.

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“YOU BET YOUR LIFE” - IT’S THE DUMBEST THING YOU CAN SAY

With all this talk about which baseball players have taken steroids in the past, you constantly hear all these talk show yoyos saying “would you bet your life on this or that”? First of all, what do you win if you bet your life and win? Do you win another life? Someone else’s life? A guaranteed afterlife? There is no phrase as dumb as “you bet your life because you could be right 9 out of 10 times and I think we would still call that a bad day.

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BLESS IT ALL; DO SOME FANS TAKE LAUNDRY OVER THE LORD?

Outside of organized religion no profession more regularly invokes or involves the worship of God than does major league sports; the teams and their athletes alike. That said, no venue in which these games are played more frequently trumpets its heavenly connection than does the New York Yankees. In all games, all season long including the recent all-star game, midway in the seventh inning those attending the Stadium (and perhaps those viewing) are asked, in fact virtually instructed to rise and according to the home team’s definition “honor America” by singing “God bless America”.
In the spirit of full disclosure I should point out that I personally believe in my right, no make that my joyous duty to pray regularly, but I feel just as strongly for those who do not wish to be at all pressured into references to the Lord in prayer be it public or private. I am also a Yankee fanatic and regular Stadium attendee who literally reveres the NYY uniform but not the “God bless” bit every blessed game. Does this really honor America? Others seem to differ, because every major league game at every major league park begins with the playing, and hopefully by all the singing (individually I may possess a but more enthusiasm than skill) of our national anthem, the “Star Spangled Banner”. Now that’s honoring America. “God bless America” on the other hand seems to give deference or credence or both to those who believe in public entreaty to the Lord, oblivious to the feelings of those who don’t, because that may be their personal choice.
I know many will disagree with my view, but if an audience wide singing of “God bless America” every game makes the Yankees more holy than other teams, none of whom do it daily let alone weekly, it should give those truly religious non-Yankees fans pause. Consider Red Sox, Mets fans and others; if your own team doesn’t publicly and regularly “God bless America” every game and you root for them and thus against the Yankees aren’t you choosing laundry over the Lord? Oh, and to my dear Yankees if you must out bless everyone else could you not so very often suggest that we “please join with Kate Smith” because why would we want to? She’s been dead for over 20 years.