A J BURNOUT

The Yankees have a pitcher that they signed as a free agent, with what we believe is a five year contract, this year being the second year. Last year while in the regular season he had a 5.00+E.R.A, in the post season he did win a key game in the second game of the World Series. This year, whatever lobotomy he had last year didn’t take hold. He may have a 100 million dollar arm (his contract is more than that), but he has a ten cent head. He just can’t get it together and he’s screwed up game after game, he has lost 10 of his last 11 starts. Here’s the outside, we at FauxNewsNetwork.com propose to be his agent; we see two of the following three manufacturers as possible sponsors, Rolaids or Tums (obviously one or the other and since the Yankees advertise them as well). We think a partnership with Johnny Walker Black, of Johnny Walker Company would be in order. Because, when you watch AJ Burnout, I’m sorry again, Burnett, pitch you want to take antacids and drink.

RESISTING THE URGE

Clemens Taking A Oath On Monday, August 30, 2010 Roger Clemens pleaded not guilty to having lied under oath at a Congressional hearing. According to reports, he then left the court and went golfing. So we are trying – really, really trying - to resist the urge to talk about how well the driven man drove, how well the man with the iron will played his irons. And as far as putting and putts? History will be the judge; we did try to resist the urge, really.

G-D IS NO LONGER FRAGILE AT YANKEES STADIUM

We have great news. The lord is great, all powerful, omniscient, omnipotent and no longer fragile. Thanks to an agreement reached on July 6th in a NY federal court, people attending games at Yankees stadium now have the freedom (for whatever reason - personal, religious etc.) to leave the stadium during the singing of G-d bless America. This happened as a result of a lawsuit filed by a Queens resident named Bradford Campeau-Laurion, who was ejected from the stadium last year for attempting to go to the bathroom during this song. We at the Faux have had similar experiences, and we were successfully able to get the security to remove his hand from our arms by informing him that we as well as our bladders are both over 60 years old. One of the police stopping Bradford yelled at him to “get out of my country” (do the Yankees think they own this country also? We thought it was only NY), and while admitting no guilt the city of NY paid $12,000 in legal fees and $10,001 to Bradford Campeau-Laurion. Incidentally, Bradford is a Red Sox fan but he has done a great favor for Yankees fans, and hopefully it will reverse our curse we consider to be one of the 5 “great” curses in baseball history. To review, after 9/11 a directive was issued for all teams to play G-d bless America, but it was rescinded almost immediately. The Yankees, and only the Yankees (it seems) never got the memo and…haven’t won a world series since. So for those Yankees fans who are getting older, its great to know that G-d is no longer fragile…even if our bladders are.

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CRAIGLISTED

Last week a young pitcher from the Minnesota Twins named Craig Breslow served up a pitch to Yankees A-Rod which he hit for a game winning home run. Mr. Breslow is an interesting person, he has mainly played for several minor league teams and also helped win a state championship playing soccer. Interestingly, Mr. Breslow played baseball in college while studying at the prestigious Yale University and is often called the palyer with the highest score because of his boards. We wish him well and we hope that Craig should continue to be listed, as long ...as he doesn't beat the Yankees.

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ON FAITH MOST FRAGILE

A person at Yankees stadium (also an admitted Red Sox fan) is suing the Yankees because he was roughed up while trying to visit the mens room during the singing of G-d bless America. Surprisingly even the NY Post covered it. In 2001 MLB ordered that every stadium sing it during the 7th inning and they rescinded the order in 2002, and it seems that everyone but the Yankees got the message and dropped it. So to those who are upset if 5 or 50 or 500 people (out of 52,000) don’t stand during G-d bless America, we ask is your faith in the lord so fragile that need 100% of Yankees stadium to stand to reinforce it? We will be following this case, because even though I have always been and will continue to be a Yankees fan, I am also a fan of freedom of speech and the constitution. And sometimes, if a man is 50 or 60 years old…so is his bladder…so let him go.

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A FAUX-DUCIARY REPORT

While walking on the boardwalk in Tel Aviv and seeing thousands and thousands of people, what is remarkable is that no more than 10% of them have their head covered. Either a good cap or a good anti-sunburn campaign would be sure to do very well here. However from those that are wearing caps we have spotted 5 NY Yankees caps and only 1 NY Mets.

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THE JETER FUTURE, A SHORT STOP AT SHORT STOP?

There is much discussion about Derek Jeters’s ability to be the Yankees shortstop for the future as he has been for the past (and at least for now the present). Its hard to say where he will be after his contract is up at the end of the 2010 season, but our guess is that the Yankees will move him to left and put Johnny Damon who has one year left on his contract at shortstop. It’s sad to hear people criticizing Jeter for getting a bit slower as he gets a bit older, I mean think of the alternative to not getting older. We at the Faux still consider Jeter a great player and suffice it to say that with him at short the Yankees are still “well armed”.

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YANKEES PRESEASON OR PRECURSOR SEASON?

2 of the biggest days in the Yankees season were actually not during the season. The first was March 15th when Jorge Posada took his place behind home plate and the second was March 17th when Mariano Rivera took the mound to pitch. If these two players are on track, the loss of A-Rod should prove to be non-essential, yet if they do well the prognosis stays well.

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