SOME UNORTHODOX ORTHODOXY

            John Edwards is now officially “broken” in as a candidate and member of the foot in mouth
club.  His hypothetical “perhaps the
greatest short-term threat to world peace is the possibility that Israel would bomb Iran’s nuclear reactor” is at worst
duplicitous and divisive, and at best, totally mindless.  Rabbis and other Jewish leaders are being
asked to sign a letter of protest against Mr. Edwards, in the name of among
other reasons downright fairness to Israel.  But speaking of being fair, these righteous
voices of outrage in the present would be a bit more credible had they been
more centrist in the past.  Consider
this, that in May of 2004 when the Saudi Arabian government, you know our and
President Bush’s good friends, reacted to terrorist attacks on their soil by
blaming the “Zionists”, what letters were circulated then?

            According
to the Anti-Defamation League, of all major political figures, only John Kerry
spoke, calling the Saudi’s out on their anti-Israel bias.  Our president (then and now) said decidedly
nothing and that seems to be what many of these same Jewish leaders circulating
the current petitions also said at that
time, nothing.  What then is more lethal to Israel’s interest
and image; a would be  nominee’s bumbling
hypothesis or a sitting president’s deliberate silence, a candidate speaking
wrongly about a possible event or a president deciding to be silent on an actual one?  Few people in history have had more poignant
experiences of the dangers posed by the double standard and a prejudiced mindset
than the Jewish people, an intellectual dishonesty they dare not emulate
themselves.

EARTH TO BUSH: OUR HUMVEE’S NEED PROTECTION FOR SAFE TREKS

 As was noted in Frank Rich’s Sunday column in the New York
Times, the Bush administration claims knowledge that EFP’s (Explosively Armed
Penetrators) supplied by Iran have been in use against our troops in Iraq since 2003.  In a very related point, to our soldier’s
survival that is, the Washington Post headlined that it will take until at
least this summer to fully implement the needed armor upgrades to defend our
Humvees.  Let’s see, EFP’s have been
viciously used against us since ’03, and it will take until at least the summer
of ’07 to get the right protective armor in place, during which time our troops
have been and will be out there
without the best protection possible.

            We think the problem with Prez W,
among many things, is that he and his group just don’t grasp there’s a certain
order to make things safe, be they matters of defense, finance, or health.  That said, permit us at FFN to allow
ourselves a digression and illustrate it to these folks this way; which
hopefully even they can not misinterpret; you (always) put
the condom on before the sex.

QUERY TO PRESIDENT BUSH: CAN YOU DISTINGUISH BETWEEN POTENTIAL FRIEND AND FAUX?

           

            So, just who are our potential long term allies, or not in
the Middle East; we’re only trying to get this straight:  Let’s see, the Saudi people in great numbers actually
hate us, and in fact, 15 of the 19 9/11 hijackers were Saudi citizens, part of
their mullah militia if you will.  In
addition, the Sunni faction, supported by the Sunni Saudi Arabian government,
is the group which has inflicted the greatest number of casualties on our
soldiers in Iraq.

            Conversely
many, many of the Iranian people have mostly positive feelings towards the US
and in their recent election repudiated their President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a
rather narrow brained anti-U.S., Holocaust denying and potentially killer
clown. And, it has come out (from our
State Department) that the Iranian government was most helpful to us after the
9/11 attacks before we and they
embarked on a course of mutual miscommunication and mistrust.

           Let’s be
clear here.  This Iranian government is
not composed of angels, and some Iranians no doubt send arms to insurgents in Iraq.  But we’re sure there are more then a few of
the 9/11 families who’d be hard pressed to say the Saudi government has no
devils as well.  It’s almost as if come
Haliburton or high water, the Bush family has major financial interests intertwined
with that of the Saudi’s, with their interests taking precedence over ours; no,
not the Bushes.  Oh well, oil’s well, that
ends well, eh.   

            So, as we have
sadly faced many more Sunni then sunny days involving the Mid-East since 9/11,
we ask again Dub, can you tell potential friend from faux?

TO JOE BIDEN: DON’T JUST DO SOMETHING, STAND THERE

Joe Biden is a good guy, an articulate guy, a decent guy but verbally, at least, he’s an over extended guy.  We’ve all heard of people who can’t take yes for an answer, well Joe is the guy who can’t say yes (or no for that matter) for an answer.  Rather he tends to use 50 or more words when 5 or less would do.

            We all know what he meant about Obama, that here we have a truly electable African American but he used the word “articulate” instead, giving previous black candidates for elective office, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, to name two, the opportunity to take umbrage.  Were they justified, that’s a judgment we at FFN.C won’t make but for the record, Mr. Biden does have an excellent record on civil rights.  Oh and we would hope those offended by the lynch pin word “articulate” will have at least as intense a reaction to the lynch pin word “lynch”, and we hope they work up to it by June 2007.  You see, that marks the second anniversary of the failure of Resolution 239 to pass unanimously in the U.S. Senate, it did pass but with 8 nays.  239 FYI was a symbolic resolution stating that the Senate should have (years ago) condemned (no friggin’ foolin’) the lynching of black Americans by other Americans, in America.  Incidentally, all 8 in opposition are right wing republicans, hope they at least went easy on Mr. Biden. 

            Aside, our early poll results of blacks we’ve asked is an overwhelming majority preferred being called inarticulate than being lynched.

THE ARGUMENT FOR TERM LIMITS

What’s in a term?  We
thought we knew until this administration, in addition to taking over the three
branches of government, took over portions of our language as well.  And believe us, they evolved way beyond Bill
Clinton’s definition of what “is” is. 
Whether it was the “Healthy Forest Initiative”, hey, if you cut down all
the trees, you don’t have any unhealthy ones, or their sense of  “accomplishment” regarding the mission in Iraq, they
engaged in snow jobs, long before Tony.

            So when
they call the addition of some 20,000+ troops to the war in Iraq, an “augmentation” instead of
a “surge”, we might just want to examine and as it turns out this time
(unfortunately) they just may be correct. 
Because it seems, according to Webster’s, a “surge” is a rise followed
by a fall; as more troops in, and then more troops out, where an “augmentation”
is defined only in terms of enlargement. 
So guess what, when the numbers over there go only upwards, we can’t say
they didn’t, in a stealth sort of way, warn us. 
But we kind of wish they would have used the word “fluctuation” instead;
a word that would have worked so much better then augmentation when properly
prefaced by “cluster”, that is.

PAPA BEAR O’REILLY MEETS STEVEN COLBERT IN BOTH OF THEIR DOMAINS – IS O’REILLY AGAIN THE MASTER OF HIS?

      

          This past week marked the unique juxtaposition of the master
of the “no spin zone”; Bill O’Reilly and the man he labels as his imitator,
Steve Colbert.  Mr. Colbert insists he does not imitate but emulates the
man he refers to as “Papa Bear”, and they met for the first time last Thursday
on both men’s shows.  Mr. Colbert who practices more of a zen spin, was
quite “respectful”, in his terms to an a-typically addled Mr. O’Reilly; to wit,
Steve Colbert comfortingly offered that while Bill O’Reilly often gets
criticized for what he says, he seldom gets credit for how loud he says
it.  And Steven did not talk about “that thing” he promised he wouldn’t;
after mentioning, that well, he wouldn’t.  And “that thing” was, of
course, Mr. O’Reilly’s phone “courtship” of a very reluctant lady
employee.  While this event preceded the founding of Faux News Network, we
feel a comment is in order, especially given that one of Mr. O’Reilly’s many
crusades is against wasteful spending, in government anyway.  First some
background, it seems these rather suggestive calls, again according to Mr.
O’Reilly, were not to seduce the young lady but rather stimulate Bill
himself.  The cost for this approach to self enamourment was reportedly
between 3 and 10 million dollars, again this by a man who criticizes mainly
democrats for excessive spending.

          Thus
we have some suggestions for Papa Bear from his fans at FNN.C.  First get
some lubricant to cut down on your personal level of friction, you seemed tense
with Colbert; second, rent (or buy) a stimulating video, say one starring Mary
Carey, (hint: look at her not the phone receivers) and third, you have our
guarantee that based on your previous outlay for your own self spin zone, this
time you will come in under budget.  And on that matter you of
course should emit the last word.

THE SEASON OF THE WHICH

            So
which is it?  President Bush says,
and has always said we have to be fiscally responsible as a nation but what
used to be fuzzy math now seems scuzzy math. 
The National Disaster Relief Fund (things like Katrina actually do happen)
is practically out of funds, and the war in Iraq is costing $300,000,000.00 PER
DAY between salaries, logistics and re-building Iraq and, guess what, we now
“own” the largest budget deficit of any nation in history.  But yet our Stubbornness-in-Chief won’t budge
off this tax cut agenda for the very rich and cronied.

            So which is it?  Mr. Bush insists we need a surge of soldiers
to make an impact in Baghdad
but the additional 20,000 he’s sending is only a 15% increase in our numbers
there to that end.  And while the (John)
McCain doctrine calls for many more troops than that; with no draft or other
inducements to increase in the size of our Armed Forces we’re asking the same
veterans to sacrifice and, obviously and logically, running short of new
recruits.

            So which is it?  We can’t, according to Bush, Rice, et al,
leave Iraq
without winning so there is no “Plan B”, though why then do they call the first
one “Plan A”?  However then  . . . we’re told that if the Iraqi’s don’t
meet certain “benchmarks” we will at
that point withdraw support.  So then we can leave, and face losing this “ultimate ideological struggle”, but it’s up to
the Iraqi’s sense of mission and their competence as to whether we do so.  Feel safer yet? 

            AND SO WHICH WAS IT, when Mr. Bush had his mission
embellished moment?  It wasn’t victory
obviously because virtually all in the know, Republicans and Democrats,
conservative and liberal, agree; that the Bush bunch has been trying to figure
a way out of Iraq
ever since that day.  What it was, and
what it is, is this; it’s what they tell
us it is, and it’s OK if they spin and re-spin, and it’s OK if Mr. Bush has a
whim of iron, because none of this is  flip-flopping, if you’re Republican; the people
for all seasons, all seasons of the “which”.  
  

NOT WELL HUNG

In the words of the learned Evan Thomas of Newsweek
regarding the latest Iraq
rope-a-dope; “How hard can it be to hang someone?”  And now we’re told there will be two separate
“commands” in Iraq – a
divided military, an Iraqi General and a U.S. General who will operate
“independently” but in the same exact area, Baghdad. 
Talk about a friendly fire (an oxymoron if there ever was one) accident
waiting to happen.  Can this troupe of clowns
(who endanger real troops) be right
on anything other than their ideological obsession?

MUCH TO DO ABOUT NO ZINGS

It is not, repeat, not a zinger for Senator Barbara Boxer to
say to Condi Rice that she has no kids or grandkids who will be at risk in the Iraq
war theater, it’s a statement of fact. 
If Ms. Rice feels slighted because she’s actually never had or will have
children that is to the best of our knowledge her personal choice.  And as to the fact that few families of the
population in general and even fewer of the affluent, including Ms. Boxer’s
family, will sacrifice anything at all in the Iraqi war, that’s also a matter
of fact.  But . . .we at the Faux News
Network always seeking the fauxer way, may just have a helpful (in our terms)
solution.  It would be in the form of an
organization to promote patriotism, unity behind our president and maybe most
importantly, honesty, and it would have two chapters, one for those over age
42, the other for those 42 and younger. 
It would work as follows, those joining would do nothing different, nothing, give up not a single privilege, take
not a bit of time from their lives to help any individual or family who has
suffered from serving their country in the Mid-east.  What they would do (in the over 42 group) is
look at the mirror each morning and at least tell themselves the truth and say
as follows, we support the war and troop surge in Iraq and we are “Relying On Other’s
Kids” – or we are ROOKing.  Those age 42
and under (and thus eligible for
enlistment) would say we “Rely On Other Kids” – also a ROOK job.  See, it’s easy and you feel good about
yourself, and still get your rich person’s tax refund.  That’s sacrifice, conservative style; you
sacrifice only the charade.  Now, can we please change the subject back to
a really relevant “zing”, namely John Kerry’s botched joke in November.

WE HOPE AND PRAY THE 3RD TIME’S NOT A HARM

This increase of troops will be the 3^rd such
initiative by our surger-in-chief; and as the others, does not seem likely to
succeed.  Connecticut Senator Chris Dodd was recently in Iraq, had dinner
with more than twenty (20) officers who said to a man according to Senator
Dodd, this is not what will work.

In an
administration which began with Dick Cheney (and where has he been) literally
finding himself in the VP search; could the decider-in-chief ever face the real
problem in Iraq, which is also himself, and achieve the appropriate, ultimate,
patriotic, and logical withdrawal, which we kind of wish his father had done.

YOUNG NEO-CONS TROOP WET DRAWS DEPT.

Also ironically accurate is Don Imus’s assessment that none in
this administration would have faced their fate with the frontal (psychotic)
aggressiveness of Saddam Hussein.  As the “Imam” speculated (and we feel
correctly so) they (the neo-cons) would have to have been shot in the butt
while they were fleeing – like they were from the Vietnam draft.  That was the
one troop withdrawal these guys did believe in, deferring themselves from
possibly being troops.  And forgive the dry humor, but from what we
know of all these chicken hawks, their draws wouldn’t have been.

CUT AND RUM DEPT. UP-DATE

Some things are true even if Donald Rumsfeld
says they are.  For example his claim that a surge in troops would provide
no substantial change or dividend we regretfully conclude is correct.  Of
course what will result, sadly, is more American casualties.  We wonder
did any of this administration ever heft, lift or even touch a full body
bag.  And by the way, as of 1/11/07 a number of folks in the Iraqi
government have announced that they don’t want more troops.

THE BASEBALL HALT OF FAME

It’s a JOKE that Jim Rice and Goose Gossage didn’t get voted
into the Hall; they were dominant players of their era.  Pete Rose agrees and hopes that since next
year is an “off year” for sure fire candidates, the fact that he’s completely
rehabilitated as a gambler should work on his behalf; he’s laying 5 to 3 this
will happen.  Contact Pete at prfakerehab.com.

THE EDWARD JOHN SMITH STAY THE COURSE AWARD

Ok, so why name the “award” after Edward Smith, a man of aristocratic
background, with folksy charm who was liked by people, was noted for making
them feel safe, and a man whose personal biography quoted him as follows: “I
never faced a situation I could not overcome”? Let us explain. His greatest
responsibility was entrusted to him at age 62 but he tended to immaturely
delegate his responsibility to some of the least qualified under his command as
long as it not interfere with his good night’s sleep. His career and life in
fact, are defined by just such a decision and the ensuing aftermath when,
despite warnings of the difficulty accomplishing the mission ahead, he left an
inexperienced man on watch and history has not treated him kindly. Perhaps it
was because he had no Tony Snow to spin on his behalf, or perhaps it’s simply
because staying the course was so very, very unwise, but here it is, Mr. Smith
or should I say Captain Smith’s last job of record was as Captain of the S.S.
Titanic.

Had there been a Mr. Snow around to give well, a snow job (ice
job?), he might have said as follows; did the last hours of the voyage cause
inconvenience to some, yes but, there was absolute smooth sailing until that point and the media is
focusing too much on only the bad news here, remember not every Titanic
passenger involved suffered irreparable harm. That said, the first Stay the Course
award goes to our Courser-in-Chief, George W. Bush, who apparently did not fully
grasp that the captain of our ship of state has as his charge not to always,
always stubbornly stay the course (in Iraq or anywhere else), but to assemble
the best crew possible, listen to quality input and miss the friggin’ icebergs.

 Coming soon we are accepting nominations for the first “Yes Butt”
award. There will be prizes for whomever’s candidate wins; please include his
or her “Yes Butt” resume.

HAPPY THIS YEAR

         

We at
Faux News Network know “Happy New Year” is the typical well wish in
January but that seems well, just so limited. Because at some point the
year isn’t new, its middle, and then it’s advanced and . . . we want our
audience to be happy (with FNN providing perhaps some of the chuckles) the
whole year long. Were we the cautious sorts, of course, we’d be careful because
O’Guiley and friends might well decide to accuse us of waging a war on New
Year’s Day (created instantly at 12:00 a.m. on January 1) versus the
entirety of a twelve month 2007, kind of  a revolutionary, no make that evolutionary
concept, but  . . . we’ll chance it.  So again, “Happy This Year”.