MAD ABOUT MADOFF UPDATE; SOME SOUTHERN EXPOSURE

Bernie Madoff wanted many things to happen, including (as they used to say in fictional writing classes) “the suspension of disbelief”. Alas, one of his last wishes has been unanswered by those who are now in charge of his life. He had requested to be sent to a prison in the northeast, but his sentence will land him in Atlanta where Mr. Madoff who recently had too much exposure will now get some southern exposure.

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G-D IS NO LONGER FRAGILE AT YANKEES STADIUM

We have great news. The lord is great, all powerful, omniscient, omnipotent and no longer fragile. Thanks to an agreement reached on July 6th in a NY federal court, people attending games at Yankees stadium now have the freedom (for whatever reason - personal, religious etc.) to leave the stadium during the singing of G-d bless America. This happened as a result of a lawsuit filed by a Queens resident named Bradford Campeau-Laurion, who was ejected from the stadium last year for attempting to go to the bathroom during this song. We at the Faux have had similar experiences, and we were successfully able to get the security to remove his hand from our arms by informing him that we as well as our bladders are both over 60 years old. One of the police stopping Bradford yelled at him to “get out of my country” (do the Yankees think they own this country also? We thought it was only NY), and while admitting no guilt the city of NY paid $12,000 in legal fees and $10,001 to Bradford Campeau-Laurion. Incidentally, Bradford is a Red Sox fan but he has done a great favor for Yankees fans, and hopefully it will reverse our curse we consider to be one of the 5 “great” curses in baseball history. To review, after 9/11 a directive was issued for all teams to play G-d bless America, but it was rescinded almost immediately. The Yankees, and only the Yankees (it seems) never got the memo and…haven’t won a world series since. So for those Yankees fans who are getting older, its great to know that G-d is no longer fragile…even if our bladders are.

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SHE DON’T NEED TO BE JANE DOE NO MO’

Yesterday during Senator Al Franken’s debut speaking as a judicial committee member (Al Franken of all people), there was an interruption by a lady named Norman McCorvey. She was formerly known as Jane Roe, as in Roe vs. Wade, the landmark Supreme court decision on abortion in 1973. She has now become an anti-abortion activist, and hey, at age 61 she no longer needs abortion rights. We have often said that one of things that turned many conservatives into liberals was when they were facing draft notices for the Vietnam war, however we forgot to mention that once we pulled out of Vietnam they could then go back to being conservative again. And now Norma McCorvey, who no longer needs abortion rights due to her age, don’t need to be Jane Doe No Mo’.

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JUST TOO MUCH GOVERNMENT...EXCEPT FOR

On health care and among other things, it’s obvious that the right-wing is pointing out, and they claim the American people agree, we just don’t want too much government. Well, you don’t want government intruding your life except when you need the armed forces to protect us, the policemen and firemen to save us, and social security to give us security. What however does that have to do with healthcare? Well there’s a couple of little things, one is called Medicare which covers 45 million Americans. There’s a little thing called Medicaid, which covers 16 million Americans. Does it mean that the right-wingers are against more government? Well, they don’t want our lives to be intruded with, except when they need it. They don’t want government except when it’s necessary; and they don’t want healthcare, or armed forces to help except when they’re needed to help. But they don’t want too much government.

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IT AINT ALL THAT STIMULATING YET… YET??

The stimulus package is getting grief because it is working too slowly, and it’s not doing all that it’s supposed to do. First, the plan was supposed to be a two-year plan, and we’re only four months into it. The plan was supposed to give out 787 billion dollars and only 56 of the 787 billion has been given out, but that’s just too much numbers and too much words. We want people to keep venting because to the media, regarding the stimulus package, that is what’s stimulating.

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SONIA SOTMAYOR, BOROUGHING INTO HISTORY

The Hearings on Sonia Sotomayor begin today regarding her nomination by Barack Obama as the Supreme Court Justice. All those in the know seem certain, without some Blockbuster revelation that she has consorted with aliens or in a previous life was a war criminal, that will shortly be confirmed. When she does so, she will be burroughing into history because she will be joined by Antonio Scalia, who is from Queens, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg who is from Brooklyn. Ms. Sotomayor is a native of the Bronx. That will be three New York boroughs represented out of nine Supreme Court Justices. Surely no city has done anything close. Surely she has “boroughed” her way into history.

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A Tennis Final You Can Love

Kudos to both William sisters, Venus and Serena, who played again at the finals in Wimbledon. These classy ladies will always be favs of Faux because they stood up for Shahar Peer in Dubai, because due to being an Israeli citizen she was denied the right to play. The William sisters recognized that prejudice against one group is prejudice against all, threatened to walk out and forfeit their pre-tournament guarantees. Ms. Peer said they need not due so, but it has already been arranged that she and other Israeli athletes will be able to play next year thanks to Venus and Serena, who are truly winners.

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FRIDAY FAUXLOSOPHY

One of the smartest actions a person can take is not to act smart.

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NIX-ON DENYING THESE ONES

The beauty of the Nixon tapes recently released is that they are his words, spoken by him, believed by him, and blatantly ignored by some of his devoted loyalists. One such disciple was Ronald Reagan as we find by the massacres. Nixon’s views on abortion being okay only if the fetus was bi-racial and his interesting remark about Jews “anti-semitism is stronger than you think, and will continue what happened in Germany…if these people don’t start behaving”. Jews are supposed to behave, and there are still Jews who like Nixon? Honestly, lets stop worshipping our oppressors.

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WE ARE NOT AS FAT, HEALTH CARE IN THE “RED”

Connecticut is the 3rd least fat state in the country, as only 21.3% of its population is considered obese. And among children, that number goes up (sadly) to 25.7%. The top people “massing at the southern borders of our country” (sorry, couldn’t resist it) are in declining order – top 5. South Carolina 29.7 % Tennessee 30.2% West Virginia 31.1% Alabama 31.2% Mississippi 32.5% (!!!) In addition to that, 7 of the top 8 heaviest states are red states, I guess they don’t realize that political influence doesn’t come with body mass.

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FOOD FOR THOUGHT

The USA spends nearly 700 billion dollars annually on the military and only 3 billion on the FDA (and Bush wanted to cut that even lower). Yet food poisoning kills far more people every year than terrorists or foreign armies have, so why do we fear dying one way so much more than the other way? Either way, dead is dead

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SENATOR JOHN ENSIGN (CHIEF OF) STAFF INFECTION

Senator John Ensign (R-Nevada) is a big family values guy, and we will show you just how much value he can get for his family. As recently reported, he has been having a long time affair with the wife of his chief of staff. It turns out that rather than bring the affair out into the open, the chief of staff gave Sen. Ensign permission to keep shagging his wife on condition that this family values Senator keep paying the family values mortgage for their nice size Nevada home. So now Sen. Ensign officially has joined the hypocrisy hall, together with Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde and several others who criticized Bill Clinton for adultery while…uh adultering. When the chief of staff finally tired of selling his wife for the monthly mortgage, he sent a letter to FOX news complaining about the Senators behavior, but surprisingly FOX chose to sit on the letter and not publish or report it, anyone know why? Now this chief of staff is also a supposed big family values Christian, as he once said he would never even be found in a car alone with a strange woman, and that leaves us wondering where he would be found. Finally, during the Clinton scandal, Sen. Ensign publicly called for Clintons impeachment saying that infidelity should force one to resign. Senator, we are waiting…

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MOUSAVI, A MODERATE MARTYR?

People need to remember that (Iranian opposition candidate) Mousavi was also a very fundamentalist, pro Mullah, pro nuclear weapon candidate who has not influenced his followers rather he was created by his followers .He has now publicly accepted martyrdom. This is the problem with right wingers in any country; they can only be made left by even more extreme right wingers.

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CHAD BULLOCK, HE’S SMOKIN’

Chad Bullock is a young man from North Carolina who just turned 20 years old. Amazingly, he just won a prize of $100,000 to work on the project of his choice which is to make the ballpark of the minor league baseball team in Durham, N.C. smoke free. The park as long been a bastion of those inhaling, and the inhaling by others of what the smokers exhaled. Chad’s grandfather was a smoker and died of cancer, and through smart campaigning for this cause so close to his heart Chad won the crown and the gold. The Durham Bulls park is now a smoke free facility, so Chad Bullock is smoking because the people in the park aren’t.

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STILL STUCK WITH STICKY DICK

America stepped in it the day Dick Cheney found himself. What we mean is that he was put in charge of the committee created by the RNC to find Bush’s running mate, and he sifted through, looked in the mirror and said the best man must be himself. Now as it turns out that the White House memos may show that the waterboarding techniques actually didn’t work, Senator Carl Levin of Michigan said that after an investigation into the CIA tactics Dick Cheneys claims about them working is nothing but a bunch of lies. So either Mr. Cheney is truly trying to retake his place in history by lying to vindicate policies of torture, or he is getting some of the Reagan alzheimers and simply forgetting the truth. Either way, we can seem to shake of the stickyness of Dick.

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