The Faux News Network Principles

A) We distort, you abide

B) Or we retort if you deride, unless we choose not to

C) Complete sentences are acceptable in lieu of complete truths

D) It’s OK to criticize the 2006 Democratic Congress for all America’s problems since 2001

E) We shoot from the flip

F) We’re not always accurate but we’re always certain

G) On what we feel is wrong in this world, we can’t stop people from saying I don’t agree or I don’t care, but we won’t let them say I didn’t know

H) The director’s board has a whim of irony

I) In times of emergency, we should rally around our President: In times of democracy he should do the same for us

J) We proudly plagiarize in advance, examples available upon request

K) It’s easy to be fun-based when you’re fact based

L) Good news parody makes for good news parity

M) And, of course, our goal is and always will be to be the most trusted name in Faux News

Friday, October 21, 2016