DELETIONS AND SECRETIONS

We've often made it a point (or tried to) that the complete sentence differs greatly from the complete truth. Well, there is a recent example and its a beaut. It seems the vice in the presidency, Dick Cheney, had his office delete from senate testimony a health officials remarks to the effect that global warming may represent health risks to us all. The official (a Democrat to be fair) has resigned from the environmental protection agency (he was chief advisor on the climate to the EPA head administrator) because we guess that was all he could stands and he could stands no more. His exact words were that Mr. Cheney and chums (isn't that what they use to attract sharks with?) "were seeking deletions" of descriptions of the health risks (so obvious) from the warming. In answer, Oklahoma Senator James M. Inhofe (R) said "all administrations edit testimony" (even when its the truth?). Why couldn't they (in tribute to Alberto Gonzales just be honest and figure we wouldn't recall?

THE BUSH INEPTITUDES AND PLATITUDES DRONE ON

It’s obvious to all in our intelligence network that the Al-Qaeda is regrouping in the tribal areas of Pakistan. Naturally our officials in the military there requested more predator drones to help with the surveillance and to protect our ground forces. The answer they received from the oil’s well Bush bunch was “no”, that none were available because they had been diverted to Iraq. The insightful Paul Krugman has helped break this news, pointing out the reason for this travesty namely that Exxon Mobile, Shell, Total and BP are about to sign “no bid contracts”- the beginning of their once again accessing Iraq’s oil. It’s been over 3 decades since they have been able to and that’s a long time between drinks, or should we say gulps, so expect them to be thirsty. Can Mr. McCain help here by adding to his tax plan some additional aid and rebates to lubricate the oil industry’s latest venture? Or is the Al-Qaeda to be ignored, relegating the victims of 9/11 to a status not unlike that of dinosaurs whose past demise served mainly as fuel for our fuel. Finally, as we are so often reminded Mr. Bush and Mr. McCain always but always back the troops. Although the lack of drones proves troop support doesn’t necessarily include air support.

ONWARD COMMISSARS OF THE RIGHT. WE PLAGIARIZED WAYYYY....IN ADVANCE

The recent headlines make it clear, torture it seems has been outsourced or should we say in sourced from the communist Chinese to us, and they of course had learned the lessons of their own brand of compassionate conversionism from the Soviet communists. Compassionate conversionism is, of course, the methods by which prisoners are made to say or convert to any type of confession or logic, just so their inquisitors (Spanish Russian, Chinese, us take your pick) will stop. This methodology interestingly has been off the table for years as far as the Israeli government is concerned because they want interrogations to result in actual intelligence which can be of strategic use as opposed to that of a propaganda nature. Our administration, however, prefers the system derived from Stalinism on down, seeming to find “godless” communists more worthy of emulation than the questioners of the Israeli Mossaud. Thought the American right liked, or at least appreciated the judgment of the Israelis, and, we saw it coming so what follows is from a previous piece, entitled, “The Commissars of the Right”.

As America attempts to debate whether, as President Bush claims, the Social Security System will be at peril in the future, the echo of a very real peril from the past has surfaced in the process: namely, the danger of propaganized news. Among the chilling cased in point are Mr. Bush’s “town Meetings” on Social Security, where it turns out “spontaneous” questioners now admit to being rehearsed, as much as five times through, before the president arrived. These are hardly isolated incidents given this administration’s penchant for planting and employing reporters to produce its own “news” releases as well as its extraordinary talent for creating self-serving appellations for its would –be laws or programs, such as the "Clear Skies” and “Healthy Forest” initiatives, to name but two.

Regrettably, such misinformation and misnomers are not unlike the tactics used most successfully by communist Russia and promoted relentlessly in the Soviet state newspaper. Ironically, said publication was named Pravda, which is Russian for “truth”. It makes one ache when the policy of our government, in dealing with dissenting views, departs from our glorious tradition of openness and begins, at least, to resemble those of other nations with whom we’ve had or might have had armed differences.

HOW CAN WE ALL BECOME WEAPONS OF MASS INSTRUCTION?

These are dangerous times for our country’s security and for the truth, which go hand in hand. Consider then, what if someone told you low key, straight out, that Barack Obama was a Muslim? Well approximately 11% of American holds that opinion, the only problem being that it’s totally erroneous, he is life long Christian. What then to say or do, or not say or not do.

Remember when people including our nation’s administration were telling us that Sadden Hussein and Iraq were responsible for the 9/11 attacks? What did so many of us say or do then? Did we question, did our media?

Get this one gang, on more hand one occasion I’ve been told by college graduates that they find the Comedy Channel Show “The Colbert Report” so much more palatable than Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show” (Mr. Stewart produces both and both shows are of course political satires) because Mr. Colbert is so much more “reasonable” as in more conservative then Mr. Stewart. They really think that. How to answer?

In the coming election much attention is focused on the candidate’s tax plans. The respected TPC, the Tax Policy Center quoted as authority by conservatives and liberals alike tells us Barack Obama’s tax plan would result in a reduction of 2.7 trillion dollars over the next 10 years and Mr. McCain’s would knock off 3.7 trillion. So when Mr. McCain calls Mr. Obama’s plan the biggest tax increase in history, do you keep a straight face? The differences of course are just who will get what refunds in both men’s plans: which we’ll discuss along the way, but for now lets discuss how we of Faux news can deal with these “fauxs” of the truth.

Take heart, there is hope because when enough so called “liberal” (the main stream news papers and network news sources) continue to say the truths often enough, conservative folks will begin to (have to?) get and even admit it. In fact all the previously mentioned myths were eventually (a key part of the process) acknowledged by people on the right; just reluctantly and softly and when possible just once. Or you might try this one I used when facing an obviously erroneous right wing legend. “Gosh, if the smart folks like you get unfairly tricked, what will have to the rest”? Because many people of good will can be tricked but a few of ill well, and by being weapons of mass instruction, we just might be part of the healing, the healing of the truth.

WHEN IT COMES TO ANAL COMPULSIVENESS ONE NEWS NOW IS THE ONE

For those who were not aware (we weren’t) One News Now is the name of a right wing Christian website. After having made a mockery of our political process, they have now done the same with regard to their homophobic selves. It seems they picked up on their word monitoring network, which has a wide stance, that a track phenom named Tyson Gay had just set 2 world records for the fastest 100 meter dash in 9.68 seconds. On the One News Network site however that sport event was edited to read “homosexual sets record” (maybe because they refuse to say the word “gay”). They really did, although for the record Mr. Gay’s mark set in the Olympic trials may be judged as “windaided” and thus not count. Would that someone or something or some event could do the same regarding the bigots of “One News” who besmirch along with their targets the names of the many, well intentioned evengelicals who don’t share their intolerance and emulate such intolerance. How about a national election with no, or at least just a little bit of windaided prejudice thrown in (we do mean you AM talk radio) and one that gets honestly counted.

THE ENEMY OF MY ENEMY OF MY ENEMY IS…WELL YOU GET IT

Try and remember this scenario guys; The state of Israel has lived and survived in a region where many Arab states wish they didn’t. But two such enemies had a negative intention deficit with weapons in their hands and hate in their hearts and it was focused on each other. These enemies of my enemies were of course Iraq and Iran who were locked in a mutual cycle of enmity (not always good) and distraction (this time actually good) and it stayed that way for a long time. In 1981 Israel bombed an Iraqi nuclear reactor to be sure and successfully so but since then it was more or less okay, until around 2002.
Now to the present where we hope to be against such idiocies in the future so that in the bargain we can become what we would call weapons of mass instruction. Because you see in the “mensa” mindset which started an unnecessary war in Iraq in addition to putting our soldiers and our long term interests at risk tilted that balance of power. Thus with no Iraq to keep it pre-occupied, let alone occupied, Iran has been free to work on a nuclear reactor which Israel will no doubt have to pre-emptively defend against. And this will cost a loss of lives, Israeli and Iranian and the blood will be on the hands of the Bush administration, although we keep reminding ourselves they “love” Israel or as the British might say “they bloody love Israel”. The reason Israel might feel compelled to act before the next President takes office is because of the manner in which the current President mismanaged his office.

JOHN MCCAIN; FROM TAX POLICY (2000) TO TAX FALLACY (2008)

According to the Tax Policy Center Senator McCain’s tax plan would sure enough give refunds, which we’ll enumerate. If you are in the bottom 60% (often known as the majority) of US tax payers you will get a refund of almost $3, that’s three dollars a week, or .43 per day. You are advised here not to spend it all in one place. If you are in the top 1% of all tax payers you will get back $800 per week, and if you are in the top one tenth of one percent (.01) you will get back over $5,000 per week. So far, so fair, if you’re so rich. Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty (R) when defending Mr. McCain’s program this past Sunday was asked by George on “This Week” for a response and honestly and sadly he could think of nothing to do but change the subject. But we at the Faux have thought of a bargain for you folks available at 43 cents a day, it’s called a postage stamp and you get one cent change, and you can write your other “rich friends” in the 60% and make plans for how you will spend your $3 next week. Don’t write the people in the top 1% who are supporting McCain, while they may be receiving more from this country, trust us, they could care less.

WE PLAGIARIZE IN ADVANCE AGAIN, AND THIS TIME IT’S COVERT ON COLBERT

This past Mondays Colbert Report featured Mr. Colbert’s relating through spoofing the South African governments attempt to lump all minorities into the category of black (a classification they’ve recently chosen to assign to their Chinese citizens) to our current political scene. His take was that since John McCain is, and for more than 2 decades has been, a senior citizen he is thus discriminated against and can be called “black” using the South African model. Thus John McCain can be our first black president and further, Mr. Colbert notes, can be “Bush’s black friend”. But what is most fascinating to us is that without calling him John McSame, Stephen Colbert says he’s giving John McCain this label so he won’t seem so the (Mc) same as other Republican candidates. We’re honored.

RECEIVED RECENTLY AT FAUX NEWS NETWORK HQ

Dear FNN,
I completely (well almost) support your assessment that Barack Obama has gone back on his word, when decided not to take public financing, although I am annoyed by the way you folks keep calling me John McSame. He’s let his supporters down and let the American people down. A man running for the nation’s highest office must be consistent to his stated positions no matter what events and/or threats may happen along the way. I have tried to practice this in my own campaign style and philosophy as I believe the record will show. Any fair and balanced assessment of my positions on the Iraq war, the Bush tax cuts, employing lobbyists in my campaign and political circle, and immigration have been consistent and unchanged no matter what the circumstances. Further, my positions on accepting the support of the so called “agents of intolerance” (I actually called him that) like Jerry Falwell, off shore (that’s our shores) drilling and supporting tuition payment for the troops (I’m just against the new GI bill because it gives them enough money to actually pay all the tuition) are to repeat, totally consistent. So let’s review; on the war in Iraq, the Bush tax cuts, lobbyists, immigration, endorsements from bigots, off shore oil drilling, and supporting the troops on tuition my positions are and have been totally unchanged…in the year 2008, or at least most of it.
Sincerely,
Senator John McSame, darn now you’ve got me saying it.

ON PUBLIC CAMPAIGN FINANCING MR. OBAMA (FOR BETTER OR WORSE) CEDES HIS FINANCING TO…THE ACTUAL PUBLIC

On this position Barack Obama has indeed reversed himself. Is campaign financing broken, perhaps, is Mr. Obama’s word on this matter, yes. John McCain’s co-chair Lindsay Graham was quick to point out on this issue his man John McCain has kept his word. Not on offshore drilling but on campaign financing not on the Bush all rights to the rich tax reductions, but on campaign financing he’s held true. Not on his stance on torture where Mr. McCain has changed his mind or on accepting the endorsements of religious leaders who were labeled agents of intolerance (by Mr. McCain in fact) has Mr. McCain been consistent, but again he has on campaign financing. One thing we know about Mr. McCain, he always keeps his word until he changes it.
Let’s give you this short answer question Fauxvians; tell us any position that Mr. McCain held in his 2000 presidential campaign on which he has not been his own agent of change.
P.S. Regarding off shore oil drilling, the oil companies currently have over 40 million acres of undrilled offshore areas which translates into the puzzling (to us) scenario where 79% of their leased properties are not being used. Oh, and we’ve got this oil’s well update; since the GOP took over congress 12 years ago we’ve gone from being 46% dependant on foreign oil to 61%. And these are the guys who want one more term to lead us to energy independence.
P.P.S. There is a saying among so many many DC insiders (of whom John McCain has been one for over 3 decades) on what’s gone on in that city since the 2000 elections. And its called IOKIYR. Translation to fact; It’s Okay If You’re Republican.

A FULL FAUXLOSOPHY DEDICATED TO SCOTT MCCLELLAN

MANY IN THE BUSH CIRCLE DERIDE HIS LACK OF LOYALTY TO THE PRESIDENT, WE AT THE FAUX APPLAUD HIS LOYALTY TO THE FACTS.

THEY BALKED ON WILLIE, IT WAS TRICKY, MADE US PUKE

With apologies to the baseball lyric “we’re talking baseball, Willie, Mickey, and the Duke” the NY Mets are an embarrassment, or should we say an “amazin” embarrassment at this time. While Willie Randolph was their manager the Mets had some down times, but they had some down health as well, as their roster assembled by General Manager Omar Manaya was vintage to put it politely. So was the level of dishonesty with which Mr. Manaya discussed Mr. Randolph’s firing. Willie Randolph didn’t make Moses Alou old an brittle, Pedro Martinez a five inning pitcher or Jose Reyes not hustle on the field. The result was that Manaya chose bench coach Jerry Manuel to solve the Mets’ myriad of problems. We won’t know the results of this decision baseball-wise for a while, but character-wise its Omar Manaya who should be benched.

OUR AGEOLOGY FAUXLOSOPHY

We Americans are living longer (thankfully) and as a group better. But anyone who thinks that 60 is the new 40 may have either wished too well or actually need a wishing well. These ages are simply different but the proactive medicine available from our physicians and good personal habits have certainly and happily mitigated the traditional aging process.

That allowed, what accelerates ones growing old can morph into growing much older due to a number of factors, particularly stress. In that context we must consider the health and age of candidates for our highest, most challenging and yes, most stressful of political offices. Despite that however, we at the Faux don't hold Mr. McCain's chronological age against him so much as we disapprove of the rapid aging of his ideas to which he so stubbornly clings. In medical research they have what is called a control group, and for Mr. McCain's ideas on the economy et al. we actually have one, its called the United States of America in the last seven and a half years. This patient needs healing.

IN AMERICAN ENHANCED HANDS

Since 9/11 prisoners in American hands in the U.S. and Iraq had to face we’re told (and we know) “new” types of interrogation “techniques”. William Haines who was the Pentagon’s top lawyer following 2001 was asked about such “innovations” at a senate hearing as to just who authorized them. His preface before testifying “first off, my memory is not that great”, is a disclaimer worth remembering gang and we believe you’ll see why. He continued “I don’t have first – hand knowledge who made up the list of techniques”. For the record, these methods included sleep deprivation, the use of dogs and stripping detainees of their clothes, and the locales at which they were employed included Abu Ghiraib. Military lawyers (ours) claim such acts violate the Geneva Convention and did, and do, strongly oppose their use. But when a legal review of the military was initiated it was curtailed by Mr. Haines (he remembered to do that much apparently) according to numerous witnesses. Now we do not expect William Haines or his boss at the time, a Mr. Donald Rumsfeld (go know) to own up as we refer again to Mr. Haines opening statement “first of all my memory is not that great”. But hey, don’t our Pentagon’s lawyers or any lawyers for that matter need to remember things to conduct their cases or earlier in their career just to pass um well, their bar exams and the like. Or did all attorneys who’ve enabled the Bush Administration just get their degrees at he Albert Gonzales Can’t Recall U.

SAID TO A "YOUNG" TIM

Tim Russert when starting at NBC was a bit intimidated by the reputations and degrees surrounding him. He was told not to worry that “What they know you can learn, what you know they can’t learn”. Mr. Russert’s career proved that advise correct and to it he added some of his own; which Chris Mathews insightfully described this past Sunday, "he seemed to love objective facts, you couldn’t argue about”. The logic expressed here seems indisputably relevant to all Americans with vested interests in this country’s future, which is just about all Americans, and the decision we’ll be making in the coming presidential election. More than ever we need a president who can learn what others know, and have that special something that others can’t learn or for that matter equal. And that he’s someone who grasps the value of indisputable facts would obviously add to his potential. So just imagine if those who would use the artificial argument of “youthful inexperience” to deny us the virtually unprecedented benefits of a Barack Obama Presidency had made the same short sighted decision not to hire Tim Russert. In both cases the American public would have been the great losers.