FROM THE BAR (EXAM) SET-SO-LOW DEPT.

nbsp;Attorney General Alberto Gonzales may indeed be guilty of perjury in his testimony regarding his 2004 confrontation with other top Justice officials.  But while guilty, he may also be blameless.  Why blameless, because with his tendency to not recall (and presuming these are not manufactured non-recalls) he probably forgot what he intended to do even before he’d began doing it, basically he was an accidental jurist.  We are puzzled by one other thing at the Faux and that is if these memory lapses have been an ongoing problem for Attorney Gonzales in his personal history, how did he pass his bar exam to become an attorney in the first place?   Or fittingly, did the man who serves the commander of the bar-set-so-low ranch become an attorney by passing a bar-set-so-low exam?  Has Mr. Gonzales been an open book, hardly, but our guess is that’s the kind of test he probably got.

TAKING A DOG POUNDING

Now suspended Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick is currently facing Federal charges involving a large scale dog fighting operation.  A statement (supposedly authored by Mr. Vick) was read by his attorney, Billy Martin, in which he (Mr. Vick) “respectfully asked” that people withhold judgment until “all the facts are in”.  Fair enough, but we at the Faux do like animals, especially those that help people, like dogs, and don’t like people who abuse them, acting, well kind of like animals.  Oh, and regarding Vick’s future statements, we’ll actually listen to and/or  read them when he actually writes them.

STRAY CAP NUTS

 Good news from Iraq; by barring cars in Baghdad during the celebration of their team’s winning of the Asia Cup in soccer, there were no car bombings during the festivities.  Now the bad news: at least 4 Iraqi’s were killed and 17 wounded by stray gunfire joyfully set off to commemorate this victory.  Imagine what these guys do when they lose.

FRIDAY FAUXLOSOPHY

The only truly free market is a truly fair market.

NOW THAT YOU'RE SIXTY AND MORE

Happy Birthday to Mick Jaggar - now that you're 64, and still loved and...still listened to. Hopefully, in about, no make that exactly 2 years from now, those of you blogging in on the faux will still consider me a friend.

Editor's note; On behalf of the staff and friends of the Faux News Network, we wish a very Happy Birthday to our founder Mr. Norman Bender. Norman, May G-d bless you with a year of health, happiness, and continued success in all your endeavors. We love you!

THE NEW CENSURIONS

    Senator Russ Feingold, D-Wisconsin, has proposed
something with no legal significance but maybe some moral, and that is
to call for a motion in the Senate to censure President Bush.  Mr.
Feingold feels it should be on the record that the American electorate
expects accountability to all that’s gone wrong in Iraq, and, on point,
Gordon Smith, R-Oregon, said recently also on the record in session,
that this Iraq situation “may have criminal elements”.  David
Brooks, however, has commented this action might make Republicans who
wish to distance themselves from the president be drawn to defend
him.  Ironic, isn’t it, if despite Mr. Feingold’s attempt to be a
uniter, he winds up being a divider instead.  But . . . if that
proves to be the case, we’d expect Mr. Brooks to consider such
misdirection rather presidential, and give Mr. Feingold support
accordingly, because, that is a precedent we at the Faux did not “pull
out of the air”. 

BABBLE ON POSTSCRIPT

    On this week’s “Meet the Press”, David Brooks talked
uncritically on our president’s serenity that his cause in Iraq is, and
always has been just.  We have to choose between loosing, Brooks
asserts, 125 Americans a month over the next 5 years while “stabilizing
Iraq” OR ten thousand (10,000) Iraqi deaths a month.  Bob Woodward
asked him where that number came from; Brooks’ answer was lengthy and
qualified as his forte but then he quietly (and quickly) allowed that
he just “TOOK THAT 10,000 OUT OF THE AIR”.  The caps are ours, his
was a confessional whisper.  These seconds of candor are a poor
second to an honest approach, Mr. Brooks.  Really you should be a
beat writer because you never miss a beat, or a trick.

BABBLE ON POSTSCRIPT

    On this week’s “Meet the Press”, David Brooks talked
uncritically on our president’s serenity that his cause in Iraq is, and
always has been just.  We have to choose between loosing, Brooks
asserts, 125 Americans a month over the next 5 years while “stabilizing
Iraq” OR ten thousand (10,000) Iraqi deaths a month.  Bob Woodward
asked him where that number came from; Brooks’ answer was lengthy and
qualified as his forte but then he quietly (and quickly) allowed that
he just “TOOK THAT 10,000 OUT OF THE AIR”.  The caps are ours, his
was a confessional whisper.  These seconds of candor are a poor
second to an honest approach, Mr. Brooks.  Really you should be a
beat writer because you never miss a beat, or a trick.

WITH APOLOGIES TO THE VILLAGE PEOPLE

(WITH APOLOGIES TO THE VILLAGE PEOPLE) THERE’S



NO MAYBE, THERE’S NO MAYBE, THEY DO TOO, THEY



DO TOO, THEY DO TOO, GET NEW RECRUITS



    Mike McConnell, Director of National Intelligence,
recently conceded and (then nervously digressed) that our occupation in
Iraq has been an excellent device for al-Qaeda to recruit and
indoctrinate in the broader based Sunni extremist community.  The
National Intelligence estimate released this month allows that could
well translate into Homeland attacks, as in right here on us. 
Turns out those in D.C. who always talk about using their tools have
given al-Qaeda real tools . . . so much for our tools.

THE DAVID BROOKS BABBLE-ON DEPT.

    George W. Bush has had no more resilient if nuanced
supporter than columnist David Brooks.  One brief but revealing
exception occurred the night of the 2004 Democratic convention when Mr.
Brooks endorsed John Kerry after hearing him “report for duty” but
reversed his position in less than a day; concerned that . . . Mr.
Kerry might prove to be a flip flopper.  But that aside, to every
presidential misjudgment, Mr. Brooks in his column has extended a
presidential pardon.  So when discussing an unrelated subject to
the Iraq war, he mentioned the Greek philosophy that people “suffer to
wisdom”; we couldn’t help but think, great notion Mr. Brooks.  Why
not continue that thought in your next pro- President Bush column,
because based on learning by suffering under the Bush administration,
many Americans, especially the non-rich, non-health covered are much
wiser, and the Iraq people, by now, again courtesy of Mr. Bush, must
include many Solomons. 

 

FRIDAY FAUXLOSOPHY

It is rarely worth winning an argument if it loses you a friend.

THE PETTY, LOW, GUMPTION DEPT.

    On July 11th, Wolf Blitzer interviewed outgoing
Surgeon General, Richard Carmona.  Dr. Carmona had some stuff to
get off his chest including the pettiness of the Bush administration
which required him to mention President Bush some three times on every
page in every speech he gave.  But what he found to be really low
and what took real gumption was when he was invited to speak at the
Japanese Special Olympics and was DENIED PERMISSION.  When Dr.
Carmona pushed for a reason, he was asked wasn’t he aware that the
Special Olympics movement was founded by those “other” people, namely
the Kennedys and Democrats.  Compassionate conservatives, you
folks be the judge but don’t use this as a case in point of Mr. Bush
being a divider not uniter.  That’s because Stephen Colbert got it
right, OUR PRESIDENT IS A UNITER: 79% of our population can’t stomach
him and his bunch and you don’t get an American electorate any more
united then that.

WE REVILE KYLE

    Makes you think of Joe Torre’s regular use of right
hander Kyle Farnsworth in the Yankee eighth innings as their setup
man.  Well, they’re winning games; duh, can you say in friggin’
spite of?  One other theory:  Tums and Rolaids are having a
bidding war over Joe Torre’s endorsing them, and part of the deal is he
keep trotting out this yo-yo.  Think about it, Farnsworth has
pitched just one (1), 1-2-3 inning since mid-June.  Does he have
compromising photos of Joe Torre?  We’re stumped.

TWO WRONGS MAKING A RIGHT, AND WE AIN’T BEEN ATTACKED SINCE 9/11

    One of the first, and formative political anecdotes
I ever heard was about a farmer interviewed just prior to the 1936
national election.  This man, like so many other honest, hard
working Americans, had been virtually wiped out in The Great Depression
but under FDR’s revitalization, which included power projects to help
irrigate his land, he had come back from the brink to solvency. 
His dust had turned to green.  A reporter interviewing this man
was a bit non-pulsed when this member of the electorate announced he
would be voting AGAINST FDR in the coming presidential race.  This
man explained his thought process in “logic” relevant to much of the
right wing thought of today.  (I paraphrase):  “I voted
against FDR in 1932 and things got good, and I’m gonna do so
again”.  And on point, we believe, it was reported across the
nation, that the president’s own counter-terrorism advisors
acknowledged the grim reality that the Bush strategy for fighting and
weakening Osama bin Laden’s leadership of Al Qaeda has been a total
failure.  They’d get the farmer’s vote.

THE JOHN MCCAIN DOWN MARKET CONTINUED

    As pointed out on “Meet the Press” by Robert Novak,
John McCain has alienated the Republican base on many issues not just
outspoken, attention getting, support for the Iraq war.  These
topics included immigration reform, he feels we need it; global
warming, he knows it’s a hot issue; stem cell research, we presume
right wingers won’t refuse the cures, and campaign finance reform, his
own, alas, is broke.  Add to that his dogged insistence that the
earth is round and there were dinosaurs and you have a dogma
dilemma.  Oh, and talk about having ironies in the fire; the one
time John McCain really compromises his integrity, by going to speak at
Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University, what does it get him?  The
“agent of intolerance” (Mr. McCain’s words, not ours) goes and gets to
test his own theory on an afterlife so he’s no longer any help to the
Senator in this life, if he ever was.  Say, in the interests of
accuracy, we should probably make that ironies in the hellfire.