WE PLAGIARIZE IN ADVANCE AGAIN, AND THIS TIME IT’S COVERT ON COLBERT

This past Mondays Colbert Report featured Mr. Colbert’s relating through spoofing the South African governments attempt to lump all minorities into the category of black (a classification they’ve recently chosen to assign to their Chinese citizens) to our current political scene. His take was that since John McCain is, and for more than 2 decades has been, a senior citizen he is thus discriminated against and can be called “black” using the South African model. Thus John McCain can be our first black president and further, Mr. Colbert notes, can be “Bush’s black friend”. But what is most fascinating to us is that without calling him John McSame, Stephen Colbert says he’s giving John McCain this label so he won’t seem so the (Mc) same as other Republican candidates. We’re honored.

RECEIVED RECENTLY AT FAUX NEWS NETWORK HQ

Dear FNN,
I completely (well almost) support your assessment that Barack Obama has gone back on his word, when decided not to take public financing, although I am annoyed by the way you folks keep calling me John McSame. He’s let his supporters down and let the American people down. A man running for the nation’s highest office must be consistent to his stated positions no matter what events and/or threats may happen along the way. I have tried to practice this in my own campaign style and philosophy as I believe the record will show. Any fair and balanced assessment of my positions on the Iraq war, the Bush tax cuts, employing lobbyists in my campaign and political circle, and immigration have been consistent and unchanged no matter what the circumstances. Further, my positions on accepting the support of the so called “agents of intolerance” (I actually called him that) like Jerry Falwell, off shore (that’s our shores) drilling and supporting tuition payment for the troops (I’m just against the new GI bill because it gives them enough money to actually pay all the tuition) are to repeat, totally consistent. So let’s review; on the war in Iraq, the Bush tax cuts, lobbyists, immigration, endorsements from bigots, off shore oil drilling, and supporting the troops on tuition my positions are and have been totally unchanged…in the year 2008, or at least most of it.
Sincerely,
Senator John McSame, darn now you’ve got me saying it.

ON PUBLIC CAMPAIGN FINANCING MR. OBAMA (FOR BETTER OR WORSE) CEDES HIS FINANCING TO…THE ACTUAL PUBLIC

On this position Barack Obama has indeed reversed himself. Is campaign financing broken, perhaps, is Mr. Obama’s word on this matter, yes. John McCain’s co-chair Lindsay Graham was quick to point out on this issue his man John McCain has kept his word. Not on offshore drilling but on campaign financing not on the Bush all rights to the rich tax reductions, but on campaign financing he’s held true. Not on his stance on torture where Mr. McCain has changed his mind or on accepting the endorsements of religious leaders who were labeled agents of intolerance (by Mr. McCain in fact) has Mr. McCain been consistent, but again he has on campaign financing. One thing we know about Mr. McCain, he always keeps his word until he changes it.
Let’s give you this short answer question Fauxvians; tell us any position that Mr. McCain held in his 2000 presidential campaign on which he has not been his own agent of change.
P.S. Regarding off shore oil drilling, the oil companies currently have over 40 million acres of undrilled offshore areas which translates into the puzzling (to us) scenario where 79% of their leased properties are not being used. Oh, and we’ve got this oil’s well update; since the GOP took over congress 12 years ago we’ve gone from being 46% dependant on foreign oil to 61%. And these are the guys who want one more term to lead us to energy independence.
P.P.S. There is a saying among so many many DC insiders (of whom John McCain has been one for over 3 decades) on what’s gone on in that city since the 2000 elections. And its called IOKIYR. Translation to fact; It’s Okay If You’re Republican.

A FULL FAUXLOSOPHY DEDICATED TO SCOTT MCCLELLAN

MANY IN THE BUSH CIRCLE DERIDE HIS LACK OF LOYALTY TO THE PRESIDENT, WE AT THE FAUX APPLAUD HIS LOYALTY TO THE FACTS.

THEY BALKED ON WILLIE, IT WAS TRICKY, MADE US PUKE

With apologies to the baseball lyric “we’re talking baseball, Willie, Mickey, and the Duke” the NY Mets are an embarrassment, or should we say an “amazin” embarrassment at this time. While Willie Randolph was their manager the Mets had some down times, but they had some down health as well, as their roster assembled by General Manager Omar Manaya was vintage to put it politely. So was the level of dishonesty with which Mr. Manaya discussed Mr. Randolph’s firing. Willie Randolph didn’t make Moses Alou old an brittle, Pedro Martinez a five inning pitcher or Jose Reyes not hustle on the field. The result was that Manaya chose bench coach Jerry Manuel to solve the Mets’ myriad of problems. We won’t know the results of this decision baseball-wise for a while, but character-wise its Omar Manaya who should be benched.

OUR AGEOLOGY FAUXLOSOPHY

We Americans are living longer (thankfully) and as a group better. But anyone who thinks that 60 is the new 40 may have either wished too well or actually need a wishing well. These ages are simply different but the proactive medicine available from our physicians and good personal habits have certainly and happily mitigated the traditional aging process.

That allowed, what accelerates ones growing old can morph into growing much older due to a number of factors, particularly stress. In that context we must consider the health and age of candidates for our highest, most challenging and yes, most stressful of political offices. Despite that however, we at the Faux don't hold Mr. McCain's chronological age against him so much as we disapprove of the rapid aging of his ideas to which he so stubbornly clings. In medical research they have what is called a control group, and for Mr. McCain's ideas on the economy et al. we actually have one, its called the United States of America in the last seven and a half years. This patient needs healing.

IN AMERICAN ENHANCED HANDS

Since 9/11 prisoners in American hands in the U.S. and Iraq had to face we’re told (and we know) “new” types of interrogation “techniques”. William Haines who was the Pentagon’s top lawyer following 2001 was asked about such “innovations” at a senate hearing as to just who authorized them. His preface before testifying “first off, my memory is not that great”, is a disclaimer worth remembering gang and we believe you’ll see why. He continued “I don’t have first – hand knowledge who made up the list of techniques”. For the record, these methods included sleep deprivation, the use of dogs and stripping detainees of their clothes, and the locales at which they were employed included Abu Ghiraib. Military lawyers (ours) claim such acts violate the Geneva Convention and did, and do, strongly oppose their use. But when a legal review of the military was initiated it was curtailed by Mr. Haines (he remembered to do that much apparently) according to numerous witnesses. Now we do not expect William Haines or his boss at the time, a Mr. Donald Rumsfeld (go know) to own up as we refer again to Mr. Haines opening statement “first of all my memory is not that great”. But hey, don’t our Pentagon’s lawyers or any lawyers for that matter need to remember things to conduct their cases or earlier in their career just to pass um well, their bar exams and the like. Or did all attorneys who’ve enabled the Bush Administration just get their degrees at he Albert Gonzales Can’t Recall U.

SAID TO A "YOUNG" TIM

Tim Russert when starting at NBC was a bit intimidated by the reputations and degrees surrounding him. He was told not to worry that “What they know you can learn, what you know they can’t learn”. Mr. Russert’s career proved that advise correct and to it he added some of his own; which Chris Mathews insightfully described this past Sunday, "he seemed to love objective facts, you couldn’t argue about”. The logic expressed here seems indisputably relevant to all Americans with vested interests in this country’s future, which is just about all Americans, and the decision we’ll be making in the coming presidential election. More than ever we need a president who can learn what others know, and have that special something that others can’t learn or for that matter equal. And that he’s someone who grasps the value of indisputable facts would obviously add to his potential. So just imagine if those who would use the artificial argument of “youthful inexperience” to deny us the virtually unprecedented benefits of a Barack Obama Presidency had made the same short sighted decision not to hire Tim Russert. In both cases the American public would have been the great losers.

FRIDAY FAUXLOSOPHY

Should you choose to share and explain the private behavior of a friend, always remember that the less you say by way of explanation, the less you will have to explain about what you said.

JOHN MCCAIN; MORE MCBUSH OR MORE MCSAME

Political pols are calling republican presidential nominee John McCain “McBush” while we at the Faux feel McSame is a much better description. We’ll try and explain; On all the basic issues (or at least most); The Iraq war, the economy and health care no one on either side disputes that these men have virtually identical positions.
There are, as main stream news organizations fairly note some differences that exist however; on the environment to John McCain’s credit he sometimes at least seems to realize we have a planet in peril, and whatever anyone’s view on intelligent design we are going to need intelligent human designs to attack these problems. To those who would argue note to their eyes, ears and brains; its long been one of the risks of global warming according to so many of those silly scientists anyway, that we will also be subject to more weather extremes such as hurricanes, tornadoes and violent thunderstorms. Read the news or just look outside and night for confirmation.
Still, Mr. McCain’s most McSame as opposed to McBush moments have been in his positions on immigration, tax policies, dealing with terror suspects and as of this week drilling in the US for oil. On these matters, there was a time when John McCain did talk straight and straight out against the stubborn policies of Mr. Bush. Aside, stubborn is the absolute most polite description to our Presidents positions. Nonetheless Mr. McCain’s policies on these important matters morphed towards that of the President’s as it became evident he had a real chance (as opposed to 2000) to actually be President. In fact Senator McCains voting record confirms the McSame label; his support for President Bush has gone from 90% (the last six years before this one) to 95% this past year. So is it better to have as President one who never reflected much on these issues (Dub of course), or one who once was thoughtful but has “readjusted” to suit his party…base…instincts? How about one whose mind keeps working and keeps growing like one Barack (to the future) Obama and his incredible learning curve. That could well be our survival curve because unless you think the last seven years have worked well for America’s future prospects we cannot afford to McStay the McSame course.

IS WHATS GOOD FOR FRED THOMPSON GOOD FOR AMERICA?

And just about as important is it good for Cindy McCain for that matter? You see, Barack Obama and John McCain really do have differences, and lead among them will be their prospective tax policies. Both men will give tax breaks to some and ask more of others, but aside from labels, analyses are called for and hopefully will be given.
The Democrats claim that Mr. McCain is Bush Term III and given Mr. Bush’s tax cuts to all those making over $250,000 per year that John McCain intends to keep in place and to some degree enhance we might well be talking Bush terms III and IV. Mr. Obama plans to reduce taxes on all those with incomes of $150,000 per year or less but he must do more as to the clarity of who gets just what relief. By word, by example, with chart and with heart, Barack Obama must make sure people know the deal is real when applied to them. Were that to be done there might really be some Republicans who get what Fred Thopmson derides as merely the “static analysis” of the Tax Policy Center, and maybe for the first time vote their own interests. And it will be easy because they will be voting America’s interests as well.

SOME PRIMARY PATRIOTIC COLORS

With Michele Obama’s “proud of America” remark on center stage and you’ve got to know the reflex pundits from the right will keep it there, legitimate issues are actually being considered. We at Faux would just just like them considered in a legitimate way. Much is made of the “patriotism” of Blacks including judgments made regarding their “gestures” or lack of same such as, singing the national anthem (they should we feel), removing their heats during it (again a “should”), or just displaying appropriate flag emblems, stickers, et.al. Not much however by the right wing, of course is said about the patriotic deeds of black Americans as opposed to their words (or songs) however. Here’s a big “deed” thing and it’s not in dispute either by the statistics compiled or memories kept, by all who served in Vietnam and that is that in far greater numbers than their share of the population blacks served in Vietnam and faced hazardous duty.

Granted that’s a lot of italics but there’s a lot selfless service to America in the books and a lot of names on the Vietnam wall as well. We guess that means Bill Clinton was not the first “black president” because be avoided service (one deferment) in the Vietnam War in which incidentally he did not believe. But no one, we mean no one following the political debates are dynamics of the last four presidential elections can deny that Mr. Clinton’s draft exemption may have been the greatest moment in right wing talk show history as it could be used as a counter arguement when any, who could count or account, would point out the numerous Republican politicians and pundits with their numerous Vietnam deferments to match. And for the record they all claimed to have favored the Vietnam War. Just not all that personally, apparently.

So then back to Blacks, who served and suffered nobly (and still do) as a result of our country’s Vietnam endeavors and other wars of choice; not the choice of the black soldiers but the U.S. government’s of course. And speaking of choice, what decisions about service did Barrack Obama make during the Vietnam era draft? We’re not sure, but since Mr. McCain has raised the question by saying he (Mr. Obama) did not look to wear our country’s uniform, it should be mentioned that at the height of the Vietnam War, between 1968 and 1969, Mr. Obama was turning eight years old. John McCain of course suffered doggedly as a prisoner of the North Vietnamese but he has applied no litmus test of service regarding all the draft ducking right wingers he’s supported over the years. Were all these men such cowards that Mr. McCain feels there should have been yet another Black American to take their place (as obviously many did), even if he was eight? If their “men instead” were eight or eighty, the chicken hawks in this administration wouldn’t have cared, so long as they weren’t the ones to go, and everyone, including John McCain knew that, once. Isn’t that a touch more relevant than Michelle Obama’s phraseology or fist pumps?

BIG IMPACT RUSS

Tim Russert, the standard of American political talk shows is dead and at age 58 that is indeed a treadgy. He was the longest running host of “Meet the Press”, the longest running show on TV and quite a run it was.

In the star wars movies there was a character called the Cyclops which are we’re told were the saddest creatures alive because all they (so the legend of the story went) at a very young age learned of the moment of their death. In most all real life cases none of us of course posses, that morbid knowledge but even if Tim Russert had, how could he, or would he have changed a thing about his life. He regularly spent each week doing the work he loved and his last time on earth was spent with his beloved son and wife on a sojourn in Italy. He was admired and will be lauded by so many for his special accomplishments, as we admire him for the exceptional manner in which lived day to day, not just Sundays when of course it was and will continue to be “Meet the Press”. But just not he same, alas.

Friday Fauxlosophy

We at the Faux have always believed in the motto of Faber College (in “Animal House”) that “knowledge is good”. That noted, we would add, “facts are OK, too”,

The Diehard Unicorn Nullification Conservative Enterprise Society is in Session

THE DIEHARD UNICORN NULLIFICATION CONSERVATIVE ENTERPRISE SOCIETY IS IN SESSION

Welcome to the current meeting of the Diehard Unicorn Nullification Conservative Enterprise Society. We were founded when we realized the public; particularly the security weak liberal members of same were totally unprepared for an invasion of wild horses into their community, let alone ones with horns. The scientific fact obsessed left wingers among us may point out that there are no recent sightings of unicorns, which just underscores their lack of readiness . . . Thus this principle of expecting the unexpected, not to mention the unprecedented and the unproven, came to be used as arguments of immense leverage. At each session, we’ll highlight such an example. Today’s emphasis will be on the dangers to our food supply (yes, our food supply) posed by the “death tax”, which is the crux of the all rights to the rich arguments against having any inheritance tax, at all. That said a married couple for all intents and purposes doesn’t pay a penny until after they can each leave $2,000,000 tax-free, but the “killer” argument by those against any tax at all, is that small farmers in the past have gone under trying to pay off the government. Truth be told, this danger to us is every bit as real and rational as that of unicorns because according to the government’s own records, (kept on such matters since the Depression), not one single farmer has ever gone bankrupt paying inheritance taxes. However, what if such disasters do happen and as in the case of a unicorn invasion, we’re soft on security and we’re not ready. Thus the logic expressed, and so well begun (we think) by the Diehard Unicorn Nullification Conservative Enterprise Society must continue.

Now believe it or not, we have rivals in this logic genre, the Duplicitous Unprecedented Historians, who will also be heard from in this forum.

A Graceless Tuesday, No, A Teaming Up Seminal Saturday, Yes

On Saturday, June 7, Senator Hillary Clinton dropped out of the Democratic presidential race with a superb if according to some, at too late a date, concession speech. Nowhere does “better late than never” apply than to this instance because she ran a great race, exceeded many expectations, and really did get 18,000,000 voters. As to whether the voters she got instead of Senator Obama could be the ones she’d keep against Mr. McCain, that’s another future entry, but…. whether Mr. Obama will keep all the votes he got against Mrs. Clinton against Mr. McCain, that’s something no one questions. But back to Hillary, she can be a force on the Democratic team for decades if . . . she plays like someone who believes in the team. This will require, this time at least, for her to be up on stage but not center stage, as she supports the presidential run of Barack Obama, and more importantly the rights and aspirations of those whose lives will be minimalized, restricted and marginalized by the election of John McCain. She must get the women who truly believe in her to believe in their own vote and their own self-interests.
For those who nit pick and say she should have conceded the night of the last primary, it had been an epic contest, a gut wrenching competition and she just needed (a little) more time. But time, and there’s a fair amount left, can be a great Democratic ally if she can repeat and entreat, and complete her message for the coming election and the coming together of her party. If she does that, Mrs. Clinton will be even more heroic than when she was running for herself, she’ll be running for us all. That said, if she uses this remaining time to November 4th well, the GOP may have nothing to fear so much as time itself, and this was not an age joke.

Almost a Leap of Faith, But Hey, We're Used To It

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As gas hits on average of $4.30 + per gallon, thoughts at the pump (where you don’t want to think of the price on the pump) wander back to February 28th. This date, the date before the leap year February 29th was one of the many special press conferences which give credence to Joh Stewart’s famous out burst on Larry King, which we’ll explain later. Anyway, on this past February 28th, our oil’s well president was in formed by a questioner that people were afraid, that gas price might reach $4.00 per gallon.

President Bush: “Wait a minute, what did you just say?”

Questioner: “A number of analysts are predicting $4.00/gallon of gasoline this spring when they reformulate.”

Bush: “That’s interesting, I hadn’t heard that.”

Wonder if he has yet.

Oh, Mr. Stewart on Larry King it went something like this: Mr. King asked Mr. Stewart if America was ready for a woman or a black president. Mr. Stewart looked puzzled and answered, “this is such a non question…..Did anyone ask us in 2000 if Americans were ready for a moron?”

Now ask us if we’re used to it, and believe the third time (term) would be a charm. Happy refills.

John McCain on Women, He's Courting You but For Now, It's Your Choice

John McCain is (naturally) reaching out to which he presumes (desperately hopes) will turn to him, the disaffected Clinton voters. Maybe they will be but of all that should be of interest to women regarding the GOP nominee it should be their self-interest and two words come to mind on this subject, Roe and Lilly. Roe, of course, refers to Roe vs. Wade, and with Mr. McCain as president, the next two or maybe three Supreme Court justices will surely give those that wish it, the overwhelming numbers to overwhelm Rose vs. Wade. The right of choice will be done for American women if they abrogate their choice this fall. Senator McCain has long said his would be judges would mirror current Supremes Roberts and Dileto, and if that happens, women will know where to look for blame regarding the illegal, and more importantly unsafe abortions sure to follow. The women who voted for McCain for president after looking on in horror will just have to look in the mirror.
Lilly is Lilly Ledbetter, a retired manager for Goodyear Tire and Rubber in Alabama, who found out, too late, the courts have held, that she was paid substantially less than male co-workers doing the same or even lesser jobs. This affected obviously her income and her retirement 401(k) adversely and most importantly, unfairly. The court, headed by Mr. Roberts (remember he’s Mr. McCain’s ideal) ruled that while the wage discrimination might have existed, she didn’t know about it soon enough, so she didn’t complain soon enough. Duh, since the inequities existed from when she was first hired why would Goodyear tell her? The House has passed a bill to adjust this injustice and the Senate is going to hopefully address it, but McCain is having a Bush McSame moment and he’s going to vote against it, and only someone ideologically obsessed could think of the reason he gives. And that is that Mr. McCain is against the passage of laws giving women the right to sue for such wage discrimination when it’s discovered later on because if they had the right to sue that would result in lawsuits. Oh, OK, and again ladies, it’s your choice.

A Friday Fauxlosophy: Late but Not Sedate

When someone, not your own endorses bigotry, feel annoyed, but when one who is your own exhibits, that odious emotion, feel embarrassed.

Hypotheitically if Mr Bush Felt Oil's Well

Say, hypothetically of course, the Bush family had interests in oil. The theory follows that some of this might be in a blind trust (an important phrase to keep in mind), but again stay with us because the Bushes might just know that skyrocketing oil prices will line their eventual pockets. Imagine further that after the first kiss hello, Mr. Bush had last month gone with outstretched palms to the Saudis and entreated them to increase production and thus reduce the market price of oil and, was refused. All this happened mind you just months after we gave them (the Saudis) a sweet heart deal on many billions of dollars worth of arms. Should we have kept them out of arm’s way?

That said with John McCain giving every indication his approach to oil and the Saudis won’t differ from Bush’s, go back to the words “blind trust”, because that’s what it would take for us to believe our fuel prices will become saner if this guy is elected. So don’t complain about $5.00/gallon (coming real soon), $6.00/gallon (our guess before years end) and $7.00/Gallon (just after President Mr. McCain “inauguration”). That’s right, don’t complain about these absurd prices if you support McCain and thus you voted for them.

Colorful Language

There is no way, no how, no word, that the candidacy of Barack Obama for President will not bring to mind, reactions and discussions on race. Steven Colbert may have said it best: When will our country give older whites a chance to serve in positions of power, but as Northern Reb mentioned to me recently, our language has a bias of color, as opposed to, for example, a gender one. Consider the many ways and phrases involving differences that are as stark as well, black and white.
There are the phrases “dark mood”, “black hearted”, or “blackmail”. There’s also “black list”, “dark days”, and so many more, whereas such things as untruths can be mitigated by calling them “white lies”, and the “pure” bride, if one exists today wears white as opposed to a colored dress.
Consider the examples in our own lives, and language, which doesn’t necessarily mean anyone should draw a dark conclusion from all this.

The Non-Elite John McCain: A Game of Crazy Eights

Eight is the number we at the Faux have on our mind whenever Senator McCain uses one of his Republican hammer words “elite” to describe Barack Obama. Why eight, we’ll explain. First even if we divide the assets of John and Cindy McCain in half, he’d be worth eight figures and this just plain guy with his wife owns eight homes. He’s hoping, no doubt, to serve eight years in the White House, and it’s been eight years since he ran and was unfairly smeared and defeated in the 2000 Republican primaries, but he embraces the same fund raising machine, in secret of course these days so his memory seems to have lasted that long.
Mr. McCain’s attacks on Mr. Obama include mention that he did not chose to serve his country in the military (as Mr. McCain did for so many years), while making no mention in previous campaigns of the legendary non-service of Mssrs. Bush and Cheney, who have, we believe eight deferments between them. And as to Mr. Obama, the last time this country drafted men to service was in the Vietnam War and at its peak (the Tet Offensive of 1968), Mr. Obama was in his eight year of life. That’s right, he didn’t volunteer at age seven to serve. Guided by such mental synopses, Mr. McCain is sure to run a campaign which will remind us of an eight ball, because either he’ll end up behind it or we will.

Per Bush and McCain a GI Bill of Goods on a GI Bill for Good

Many, so many of our brave troops fighting, and sometimes dying or suffering in Iraq and Afghanistan enlisted to serve the country and also better themselves. And this betterment was to be in the form of a college education which many or most of our volunteers couldn’t afford. The glitch is this: that the monies given to said men and women when discharged leaves them short, often considerably so, of the dollars needed to actually attend their state colleges. Where the new GI Bill, sponsored by Chuck Hagel-(R), Nebraska and Jim Webb-(D), Virginia both hardened veterans of Vietnam comes in, is that after a three (3) year hitch, those leaving our country’s service actually, really get enough funds to cover tuition and housing at their state universities. This possible, dare we say, probable legislation has just passed The House and The Senate with veto proof majorities. President Bush is not happy with this nor is his would be Republican successor, John (very much) McSame. Their “rationale”, pardon, we have to use quotes, is that the new GI Bill would be “too generous” and one study according to Mr. McCain shows that 16% more of those enlisted would leave because of that opportunity. Really, because in the right wing tradition of a complete sentence as opposed to a complete truth, they “forgot” that said study showed additional enlistments would increase by 16 percent. So, let’s see, 16 minus 16 equals . . . . .
So this means no loss in service numbers, but a gain in the education level of those soldiers returning to private life. Is there any reason people like Mr. Bush and Mr. McCain don’t want a more educated populace voting in current and future elections?