FRIDAY FAUXLOSOPHY

In this era we can distinguish Democrats and Republicans by style, content, and most of all intent.

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THE SOUR BREATH OF DEMINT

Senator Jim DeMint of South Carolina is a true South Carolina patriot which is different than regular patriots (sadly enough). A S. Carolina patriot is for the President, as long as he is a Republican, they are for equality as long as you recognize the confederate flag over their capital, and in the case of Jim DeMint it means to hope that the Obama health care plan will be a waterloo and will “break him”. As Gail Collins of the NY Times recently pointed out, this “patriotic gentleman” in his last election campaign said that gay people and unmarried pregnant women should not be allowed to teach in public schools. This is just some of the sour breath of DeMint that is being fostered upon the public consciousness, and oh, we almost forgot…he is viewed as a leading Republican presidential candidate for 2012. We already miss Mark Sanford and Jim Ensign.

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A HEALTHY CONCERN

There are 3 types of people that need to be concerned about health care. Those that don’t have it, those that have a partial plan, and those that have a plan but are scared they might lose it soon. If you think you can never fit into category 3, remember that the employees of Bear Sterns thought the exact same thing (and the company is gone forever). Really there is a 4th category as well, and those are well-to-do Americans who are very secure with there health care but are smart enough to know that you cant fix America economically without fixing Americans physically.

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OBAMA’S WRONG SHOWS WHATS RIGHT

Barack Obama made a mistake in calling officer Crowley of the Cambridge police department stupid. He said this after stating that he didn’t know the facts and his description of the officer proved it. Here is what was also proven; President Obama is a real man. A real man will make mistakes but will admit them when they are made, and that’s exactly what Obama did by calling the officer to apologize. His wrong shows us whats right. Let’s revisit former President Bush for a moment who reminds us of the little boy fishing. He had been sitting on the dock for some time and someone approached him and asked “how many have you caught”? The boy responded “if I catch this one and the next one that will be 2”. Our former stubborner-in-chief will forever refuse to apologize for the many wrongs that he committed. Its nice to have a leader who can truly lead and look objectively not only at the country but also at himself.

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WHEN BIRD BRAINS BET; CAN-ARY HEADS BE FAR BEHIND?

We have all heard about the dogfights relating to NFL player Michael Vick. These also take place with cock fights where aggressive roosters put their “fowl friends” into the ring (sorry, couldn’t resist). Recently though, we have heard about the “canary and finch” fighting ring. Authorities have found thousands of dollars in bets placed on the winner of such a fight in which 2 male canaries and one female are placed into a ring and the 2 males battle each other for the female. So there are people who drive out and bet money to watch 2 canaries fight. Can you get any more (can)ary headed than that?

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IT’S THE SOUTH 43, NOT THE NORTH 40

America as a country is now 43 million pounds overweight. 34% of our adults are obese and 17% of our children. 147 billion dollars annually is spent on type 2 diabetes, and the average obese person spends $1400 more annually on their general health than a non-obese person. We mean no disrespect to anyone with a weight challenge, but we request that they respect the laws of nature. We have to not only think about getting are budgets lean, we have to allocate time and effort thinking about how to get ourselves lean. This means dietary choices, exercise choices; this means doing what might be uncomfortable to reform our personal health. While this may mean some sacrifice and inconvenience, really folks…consider the savings.

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BEYOND THE PALIN; ANIMAL MAGNATISM UPDATE

We are trying to figure out (by golee) just what sort of species Sarah Palin is. She plans on writing a book, although we are not sure (by her own inference) that she has ever read one, and she keeps referring to herself as a “hockey mom” which according to her is a pit bull with lipstick. Yet she wouldn’t complete her last 15 months as Alaskan Governor, because that would “go with the flow” and she would be a “lame duck”. So basically she is a dog with makeup that will fight to protect her type of Americans just as a grizzly would protect her cubs. Truly, in terms of logic, common sense and makeup for animals…Sarah Palin is a “bear market”.

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ONE VERY HIP GOLFER

Tom Watson came within an eight iron, which probably should have been a nine iron, and almost won the British open. A 59 year old man, a couple months removed from 60, winning a major tournament is unfathomable. There’s no comparison for it, it can’t be done in any sport. If he had won this one he would have literally been the celebrity emperor of the world. But for one bad shot through the green, he subsequently lost. Stewart Cink certainly played well and deserved the playoff win, and we congratulate him for it. Not only is Tom Watson a classy guy, he’s a man who forced his country club to take on Jewish members when they wouldn’t by threatening to resign. He’s a man who spoke out when it would have been easy to just be the quiet good guy who just goes along with neglect and prejudice. But all that aside, Tom Watson played the British Open with 72 grueling holes plus a four hole playoff, and did it all with a hip replacement, making him as a golfer and a person, a very hip guy.

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MICHAEL STEELE, STILL WITHOUT METTLE

GOP chairman Michael Steele is at it again criticizing President Barack Obama’s health care plan as too much too soon. Too much is being worked out, but if 47 million Americans aren’t insured, that’s kind of like too little. As far as too soon, the system has been broken for forty years. We know one of the conservative’s dictums is: something should never be done for the first time. Maybe a fixed health care for the first time might be something the American people will like if they get to try it. But there will always be folks like Michael Steele, still without mettle.

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BUDGET DELAYED, HOW ‘BOUT BUDGET BETRAYED

The Obama administration has announced that the budget report will be held off until the middle of next month, a little later than due. The GOP is complaining that they are delaying, but somehow they didn’t realize something interesting about the Bush administration’s handling of their last several budgets. Since they “weren’t sure” about the clause for Iraq and Afghanistan, they put in zero. There’s a big difference between a budget briefly delayed than one permanently betrayed. We have the deficits to prove it.

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SHE GOES BEYOND THE PALIN, UPDATE

Sarah Palin is considering a number of new initiatives, among them working for politicians that share her views (she says including Democrats) and writing a book. By working for the Democrats she would really be serving the GOP purpose, as it would no doubt help get Republicans elected. Additionally, before writing a book she should probably, actually, read one or failing that… at least a newspaper. And pss…make it a point to remember the name of what you read.

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STILL STANDING, WITHOUT THE PROMPTING

<During a recent speech one of the two tele-prompters that Barack Obama was using came crashing down to the floor. He joked about it and kept on going. We keep on going too. In America that’s just what we do. As Barack Obama once said “no one would do well betting against the long term success of America”. That is something that he can say and believe with or without teleprompters.

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HUES AND VIEWS WITH JEWS

While meeting with Jewish leaders about his approach to the Arab-Israeli conflict, Barack Obama pointed out (and factually so) that the media reports his demands of Israel far more than they report his demands of the Arabs. We at the Faux think that’s absolutely okay, as it isn’t what the media reports that’s important, its what they are really doing. It also isn’t really that newsworthy that Barack Obama is meeting with Jews, as he ends every day by meeting with David Axelrod and Rahm Emanuel to get his hues and views from Jews.

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MAD ABOUT MADOFF UPDATE; SOME SOUTHERN EXPOSURE

Bernie Madoff wanted many things to happen, including (as they used to say in fictional writing classes) “the suspension of disbelief”. Alas, one of his last wishes has been unanswered by those who are now in charge of his life. He had requested to be sent to a prison in the northeast, but his sentence will land him in Atlanta where Mr. Madoff who recently had too much exposure will now get some southern exposure.

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G-D IS NO LONGER FRAGILE AT YANKEES STADIUM

We have great news. The lord is great, all powerful, omniscient, omnipotent and no longer fragile. Thanks to an agreement reached on July 6th in a NY federal court, people attending games at Yankees stadium now have the freedom (for whatever reason - personal, religious etc.) to leave the stadium during the singing of G-d bless America. This happened as a result of a lawsuit filed by a Queens resident named Bradford Campeau-Laurion, who was ejected from the stadium last year for attempting to go to the bathroom during this song. We at the Faux have had similar experiences, and we were successfully able to get the security to remove his hand from our arms by informing him that we as well as our bladders are both over 60 years old. One of the police stopping Bradford yelled at him to “get out of my country” (do the Yankees think they own this country also? We thought it was only NY), and while admitting no guilt the city of NY paid $12,000 in legal fees and $10,001 to Bradford Campeau-Laurion. Incidentally, Bradford is a Red Sox fan but he has done a great favor for Yankees fans, and hopefully it will reverse our curse we consider to be one of the 5 “great” curses in baseball history. To review, after 9/11 a directive was issued for all teams to play G-d bless America, but it was rescinded almost immediately. The Yankees, and only the Yankees (it seems) never got the memo and…haven’t won a world series since. So for those Yankees fans who are getting older, its great to know that G-d is no longer fragile…even if our bladders are.

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SHE DON’T NEED TO BE JANE DOE NO MO’

Yesterday during Senator Al Franken’s debut speaking as a judicial committee member (Al Franken of all people), there was an interruption by a lady named Norman McCorvey. She was formerly known as Jane Roe, as in Roe vs. Wade, the landmark Supreme court decision on abortion in 1973. She has now become an anti-abortion activist, and hey, at age 61 she no longer needs abortion rights. We have often said that one of things that turned many conservatives into liberals was when they were facing draft notices for the Vietnam war, however we forgot to mention that once we pulled out of Vietnam they could then go back to being conservative again. And now Norma McCorvey, who no longer needs abortion rights due to her age, don’t need to be Jane Doe No Mo’.

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JUST TOO MUCH GOVERNMENT...EXCEPT FOR

On health care and among other things, it’s obvious that the right-wing is pointing out, and they claim the American people agree, we just don’t want too much government. Well, you don’t want government intruding your life except when you need the armed forces to protect us, the policemen and firemen to save us, and social security to give us security. What however does that have to do with healthcare? Well there’s a couple of little things, one is called Medicare which covers 45 million Americans. There’s a little thing called Medicaid, which covers 16 million Americans. Does it mean that the right-wingers are against more government? Well, they don’t want our lives to be intruded with, except when they need it. They don’t want government except when it’s necessary; and they don’t want healthcare, or armed forces to help except when they’re needed to help. But they don’t want too much government.

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IT AINT ALL THAT STIMULATING YET… YET??

The stimulus package is getting grief because it is working too slowly, and it’s not doing all that it’s supposed to do. First, the plan was supposed to be a two-year plan, and we’re only four months into it. The plan was supposed to give out 787 billion dollars and only 56 of the 787 billion has been given out, but that’s just too much numbers and too much words. We want people to keep venting because to the media, regarding the stimulus package, that is what’s stimulating.

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SONIA SOTMAYOR, BOROUGHING INTO HISTORY

The Hearings on Sonia Sotomayor begin today regarding her nomination by Barack Obama as the Supreme Court Justice. All those in the know seem certain, without some Blockbuster revelation that she has consorted with aliens or in a previous life was a war criminal, that will shortly be confirmed. When she does so, she will be burroughing into history because she will be joined by Antonio Scalia, who is from Queens, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg who is from Brooklyn. Ms. Sotomayor is a native of the Bronx. That will be three New York boroughs represented out of nine Supreme Court Justices. Surely no city has done anything close. Surely she has “boroughed” her way into history.

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A Tennis Final You Can Love

Kudos to both William sisters, Venus and Serena, who played again at the finals in Wimbledon. These classy ladies will always be favs of Faux because they stood up for Shahar Peer in Dubai, because due to being an Israeli citizen she was denied the right to play. The William sisters recognized that prejudice against one group is prejudice against all, threatened to walk out and forfeit their pre-tournament guarantees. Ms. Peer said they need not due so, but it has already been arranged that she and other Israeli athletes will be able to play next year thanks to Venus and Serena, who are truly winners.

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FRIDAY FAUXLOSOPHY

One of the smartest actions a person can take is not to act smart.

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NIX-ON DENYING THESE ONES

The beauty of the Nixon tapes recently released is that they are his words, spoken by him, believed by him, and blatantly ignored by some of his devoted loyalists. One such disciple was Ronald Reagan as we find by the massacres. Nixon’s views on abortion being okay only if the fetus was bi-racial and his interesting remark about Jews “anti-semitism is stronger than you think, and will continue what happened in Germany…if these people don’t start behaving”. Jews are supposed to behave, and there are still Jews who like Nixon? Honestly, lets stop worshipping our oppressors.

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WE ARE NOT AS FAT, HEALTH CARE IN THE “RED”

Connecticut is the 3rd least fat state in the country, as only 21.3% of its population is considered obese. And among children, that number goes up (sadly) to 25.7%. The top people “massing at the southern borders of our country” (sorry, couldn’t resist it) are in declining order – top 5. South Carolina 29.7 % Tennessee 30.2% West Virginia 31.1% Alabama 31.2% Mississippi 32.5% (!!!) In addition to that, 7 of the top 8 heaviest states are red states, I guess they don’t realize that political influence doesn’t come with body mass.

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FOOD FOR THOUGHT

The USA spends nearly 700 billion dollars annually on the military and only 3 billion on the FDA (and Bush wanted to cut that even lower). Yet food poisoning kills far more people every year than terrorists or foreign armies have, so why do we fear dying one way so much more than the other way? Either way, dead is dead

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