LAUGHTER WITH OUR APOLOGY

Joe Lieberman who is (for now) the Chairman of Homeland Security in his role as an "Independent Democrat" has expressed great concern about how the Nigerian terrorist smuggled explosives onto a plane. Joe claims and a full body scan would have detected it and an FBI expert on the news today disputed that. When we see that "Joe Jowl face" talking about a full body scan, we know we should not laugh because this is serious business, so we apologize for not being able to control ourselves from laughing.

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AN AIR-HEADS UP ON TERRORISM

Topic 1; Ounces of prevention We are told that 3-5 ounces of material for explosives are enough to be lethal, so they only allow people to bring 2 ounces of liquid style substances or less. Imagine if someday people figure out that 2+2+2=6 and they all get together on the plane to combine their "2 ounces or less". Topic 2; Either late or never... This idea that in the last hour of the flight is the only time someone can detonate explosives is weird. How about the first hour? Why not in Europe where the security procedures are not nearly as efficient as ours? Why not over the Atlantic ocean? This idea that it can only be at the end of a flight...either late or never?? Topic 3; Body scan of work People are arguing about what a body scan in an airport will show. Can it show stuff that are taped to the body? Will it show some chemicals? They admit there are others it wont show. It would be noce to have some science and forensics. Is a body scan as good as bomb sniffing dogs? We know that dogs can sniff almost anything, so why are there not more dogs in our airports? Underwear is not going to scare off dogs, they kind of like sniffing there. Topic 4; Their screens, our screams The flight to Detroit that was nearly bombed by the Nigerian terrorist originated in Brussels where he went though a simple and very basic inspection. Can we insist that all flights entering into the US can ONLY be inspected by OUR people? Hopefully, our security people were not just hired to "fill jobs". Or perhaps our security dogs? It's American lives at stake here, we should not have the spectra of our screams based on the competence of their screens.

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AN OLYMPIC BATTLE IN AN OLYMPIC CITY

A court in Rio De Janeiro has finally ruled that David Goldman of New Jersey can take his biological son back to the USA, after his mother who had taken him there died in childbirth leaving him with his stepfather. This was a 5 year battle the was finally won. While he cant make up for lost years, he can certainly make up for lost emotion.

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THE RAIN MAN

Ken Peak died this week at age 58. He was the human idea behind the movie Rain Man, and his brain was studied by NASA to attempt to figure out what made this autistic yet brilliant mind tick. It bring to mind the great line from Woody Allen in Sleeper when they say they will dissect his brain he says "its not my brain, its my second favorite organ". Rain Man has always been one of our favorite films, we wish we'd known that Mr. Peak was alive all this time, he is literally the reining rain man.

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HEALTH AND SUFFERING

The Senate passed the health care reform bill 60-39, and Sen. Harry Reid was so tired that he mistakenly voted "no" and had to be corrected. Interestingly, on Wall St. the health care stocks have dropped a small amount in share price. Does this mean that they wont have the 480% profits anymore and might have to settle for 300%? How terrible. The ones getting helped here are American humanity. Our latest naming nomination for the health care bill is the "American health humanity bill".

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THE RIGHT LEFT EARLIER

In a pre-Christmas vote, the Senate passed the Obama health care reform bill. The last time a Senate vote was done on Christmas eve was 104 years ago in 1895. Like social security in 1935 and Medicare in 1965, this will one day be considered a "groundbreaking" piece of legislation. Unlike in those votes however, this time were no Republican crossovers who voted to support this bill. What does that tell us? That the needs of the American people (however slowly) are being met, and those needs are not left, and it tells us what the right has left namely the American people. Interestingly,m the vote was 60-39 (not 60-40) because 1 Republican left early for Christmas and didn't even bother to vote. Surely he would tell you that the future of this nation hangs on stopping this bill, as long as he didn't have to be there to do it.

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POTENTIAL POPE PLOPS

Last year on Christmas, Suzzane Maiolo attempted to approach the Pope on his way to midnight mass (we assume to receive the blessing) and security prevented her from reaching him. This year, same lady and same Pope and same time of year, she was actually able to knock him over. Interestingly, now is not only the height of the Christmas season, it is also the height of the football season. So next year, when she undoubtedly will come for him again, we suggest that he practice the "leg whip" to avoid the oncoming rush and to protect him from potential Pope plops.

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BEYOND THE PALIN UPDATE

Discussions from insiders have continued to emerge as Sarah Palin's book "going rogue" has continued to sell in high numbers. Apparently, at the very end of the campaign when they realized Obama was winning she started talking about the "birther" stuff and other racist ideas, and Palin was extremely upset that McCain would not let it go on. We have often said that there is smug, cutesy and folksy, in terms of annoying traits of public figures. Smug and cutesy are nothing compared to the danger of folksy.

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RIGHTS THAT AREN'T CELL-PHONY

A court in Ohio had ruled that in the name of privacy rights unreasonable search and seizure should apply to cell phones, as lots of personal data is often stored there. We commend that. Any rights that didn't include someones personal communication device would definitely be against the spirit of privacy laws, and would ignore the fact that technology has reached the point today where phones are often among the most personal objects we own. If the court had ruled otherwise, those privacy rights would be pretty cell-phony.

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LET THE HEADS ROLL...

By now we all know that a 23 year old Nigerian man tried to blow up a Delta airlines flight from Amsterdam to Detroit. Apparently, his father had gone to the embassy in Nigeria and told people that he was very concerned about his son's extremist views. It is reassuring that they had let every aircraft in the air at the time (in the US) know within the hour and they are working around the clock to understand the disconnect that allowed this man to board a plane to the US. Joe Lieberman (who we have recently been criticizing regarding his health care reform views) brought some good points, asking how a man on the terror watch list did not raise suspicion when boarding. Homeland Security secretary Janet Napolitano responded by saying that there are so many lists that cross referencing for every name is impossible. We have to find out where the blame lies; if it is in the embassy in Nigeria, they should be fired. If in the Obama government, they should be fired. Someone let his pass and needs to lose their job, unless of course it is the President clearing brush.

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THE GOP GETS TO NO BY BEING SLOW

Senator Mitch McConnell is of course criticizing the Obama administration's efforts to reform health care and admitted that the Republicans did everything they could to slow down the process of passing the bill. They wanted to go slowly (if at all) prompting us to nickname them the "party of slow". Interestingly, a bit of history about the party of slow and particularly Sen. McConnell; One of his major objections is that this bill will cut Medicare (actually it's a 21% drop in doctors fees in the coming year). Yet Mr. McConnell's record as a leader of the party of slow regarding Medicare; In 1995 he voted for 270 billion dollars in cuts over 7 years. In 1996 he voted for an additional 158 billion in cuts over 6 years. In 1997 he wanted to slow the growth some more and voted again for 393 billion in cuts. In the party of slow Mitch McConnell is the lead turtle.

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FAUX PHRASE-OLOGY

We have a new Faux phrase-ology to introduce - "social behindsight". Since all the progressive movements in this country, including the most fundamental, from breaking away from the British and ridding ourselves from slavery all the way through social security and Medicare, were at the outset were disliked by a majority of people. Yet once they were there a vast majority would NOT consider giving them up. That is true social behindsight.

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WHATS ON THE POWER GRID, GRANDERSON TO YANKEES

Many Tigers fans are not happy about the recent Granderson trade to the Yankees, and we at the Faux have heard from them. We must remember the following though when analizing a power hitter. You must look road vs. home power, because you play alf your games on the road. Consider history Roger Marrus hit 61 homers with the 1961 Yankees and everyone was saying if not for that short porch in Yankees stadium, he could not have done it. Actually though, of his 61, 31 were on the road and only 30 were hit at home, he was a true power hitter. Now lets look at Granderson, as we know that Detroit has a rather spacious stadium. If he had 10 at home and 20 on the road, we can expect 40 home runs from him at Yankees stadium. Joe DiMaggio hit 240 Homers on the road and only 120 at Yankees stadium, meaning he "got killed" by playing half his games at Yankees stadium. So home is where the heart is, and maybe where the power is...if the fence is of your liking. We would love to see how Granderson plays in the new Yankees stadium, I guess we will all be experts a year from now.

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THE BRITISH PERSUASION

Britain was the first country to impose a 50% tax on the hefty bonuses bankers were receiving, France followed close suit, and recently Goldman Sachs (and plunders) announced they would do the same. That would mean that their top executives would be paid in the form of long term stock, they wont have those huge cash year-ends, but they will still do very in the company and the shareholders do very well. Apparently this is going to be a 5 year plan (forgive the old reference to the Soviet Union). The reason we have nicknamed them Goldman Sachs and Plunders is because until now it seemed they really didn't concentrate on making money for their shareholders as much as they did for themselves. Hopefully now that will have to change. Additionally, the shares that they get wont be able to be sold for 5 years (eternity in the financial world), which means that will have no choice but to live off their 7 digit annual salary until then (and maybe clip coupons).

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THE NY POST-IT NOTES

The NY Post, a bastion of right wing rectitude, was quite critical of Elliott Spitzer's moral failings, and they say rightly so How can you defend a man (especially a head of state) paying a woman for sex? Well, actually they have changed on that a bit. Ms. Dupre (Spitzers mistress) who was previously condemned for selling herself for sex, is now being allowed to sell herself for telling about selling herself for sex. Yes, she will now be writing for the NY Post.

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THE NAME IS THE GAME

A couple months ago on Meet The Press, Thomas Friedman stated what might be the golden rule in politics. He said "when you can name an issue you own the issue". Look at how the Republicans have called the inheritance tax the "death tax", and look at the way they have been able to call the womans right to choose "anti life". With regards to health care, what been lacking sorely on the right is frankly a good name from the left. So we thought up a couple choices and they all come down to security. How about the "health security act" or the "American security act" or the "insurance security act". To name it is to claim it and for health care (as will everything in politics) that's the name of the game.

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DON'T GET INTO ARREARS WITH YOUR TELOMERES

Your telomeres are protective caps that protect your DNA from getting damaged, and they are indicators how long you will live. They found thos after the study of Danish twins in which one looked younger, was biologically younger, and lived longer. Protecting your telomeres can be done by not smoking, maintaining a healthy diet and regular exercise. This brings to mind the to spoof from Billy Crystal "its more important to look good than feel good". Having seen him we know, his telomeres are never in arrears.

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DIABETES REDUCTION, SWEET

Research has shown that for every cup of tea or coffee that you drink daily, you lower the risk if getting diabetes by 7% You get your caffeine, you get your jolt, and you are improving your health.

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ORNAMENTAL ARGUMENTS

The Obama administration has been "caught" sending ornaments from previous administrations to school children. And it gets worse; they were red and gold, and the children had to decorate them however they want. The Obama administartion has been accused of "brainwashing" because the only way to really wash a brain thoroughly is letting people do what they want and think on their own, a real cleansing. No worries, however...the right jumped in to save the day. The pointed out the flaws in this Obama scheme. Obviously, letting kids do what they want is brainwashing, and teachers have to drive with these ornaments in their cars which puts them at risk, and yet even more fascinating; in an interview with Samantha Bee, a Republican critic said that due a socialist Obama policy EVERYBODY is getting a present at Christmas time. When Samatha Bee pointed out that Jews have Chanukah, this critic said agreed adding "sure, all 12 days of Jewish Chanukah". You cant make these people up, but sometimes you wish they were made up. Intellectually, these people are kind of ornamental.

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NEWS SHOCKER; RIGHT WING REMARKS ON MEDICARE BASS ACKWARD

The right wing has actually gotten a fact wrong on the health care debate (who would have guessed?). According to the AARP, the Republican remarks that Medicare is going to be cut back in the Obama plan were either mistaken or deliberate lies. There are no recommended cuts in benefits, in fact according to AARP there are major increases in Medicare. Also, the so called "doughnut hole" will be filled and seniors will be able to buy drugs at cheaper prices. This is shocking; who could have thought the Republicans could have been so bass ackward on the health care debate? Could it happen a 2nd time?

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JASON AND THE GOLDEN EASE

There is a baseball player named Jason Marquis who has quite a career and record. He is literally the "golden fleece" of winning with a seeming "golden ease" wherever he has gone. Consider this; he has been in MLB for 10 years, and every single year his team has made the playoffs (Braves, Cardinals, Cubs and Rockies). He is a 31 year old free agent from Staten Island, who plans to go back there when he retires. Additionally, consider this; over the last 6 seasons he has won 11 or more games, and he celebrates both christmas and Hanukkah because even though his wife is Christian, Jason Marquis is Jewish.

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A DOSE OF IN-GENDERED EQUALITY

The world economic forum did an extensive survey on salary, political influence, life quality etc. to determine the gender equality on a country by country basis. The good news for the US is that we are not last, and we get a little better we can catch Lithuania, because they are 30th and we are 31st. Iceland incidentally was 1st. Hey, 31st is better than our life expectancy rank in which we proudly place 37th in the world. However, on the matter of white financial CEO's we rank #1, which is good; it implies we don't leave them behind. Having a black man as President makes some wonder when the white man will have their chance...

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THE TRUTH WILL SET YOUR FEE

There is something called the health blue book which is a website that tells you how much your health care actually costs the insurance companies so we can get a feel if the markup is anything close to reasonable. We think the health care markup is similar to the stadium beer markup. In Yankees stadium, Citifield, and Fenway park they sell a cup of beer for $8.00 and their cost is 25 cents per bottle. What this blue book can do is make a lot of states feel blue or turn blue on the the health care matter; We have a feeling that the insurance companies will have their superb profits insured. This is an industry that devoted 20% of its workforce to NOT serving its function, their sole job is to DENY claims.

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FROM WEALTH CARE TO HEALTH CARE

Could the same people who resisted social security and Medicare (and have been historically proven wrong, as we at the Faux have often pointed out) really attempt it again? Please understand that when real health care reform happens there will be tumult, threats, socialism, people will cry that the sky is falling, communism, fascism, Nazism, but ultimately it will become sacred. In future generations, the same people that are against the Democrats and Obama now will be then, only they will claim to support his health care policies as they do now with social security and Medicare. We are offering a special prize for whoever can come up with the originator of the following saying; "true conservatism is to believe that nothing should ever be done for the first time". This country is all about doing things for the first time, and that's why we support health care, not wealth care.

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WHERE THERE IS A "WILL" THERE IS A SWAY (UPDATE)

George Will pointed out that regarding the attacks on Tim Geithner and the dire unemployment challenges in this country that it will get worse. He pointed out that in 1991 and 2001 after similar unemployment downturns when the economy recovered (for a time) unemployment still got worse. What he is really saying to Obama is; don't you dare be as stupid as George H. W. Bush (president in 1991) or George W. Bush (president in 2001). Interestingly, he was then preaching patience and saying that job growth follows economic recoveries, and only now hes become a populist.

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