Friday, May 30, 2008

Faux Features Futures

We, Norman and Northern Reb have been on hiatus this week but we’ll be back in full swing in the coming days. We thought we’d give a preview of the coming attractions, so here goes. The Faux has intercepted signals from another civilization in the galaxy which is only good news because it turns out they’re out protectors, we’ll explain in the article in which they’re the featured creatures. Also there will be updates on the bad leader(s) that John McCain won’t talk to and the good ones he will. Also, we’ll discuss elitism for the common folk and have invented a new word- conservmythicism, we believe you’ll see the relevance. And last and most important we'll be doing a series on our interviews with World War II and Korean veteran Charles (Chick) Ames, a genuine American hero, who at 93 is still sharp as a tack with opinions to match. We’ll be in contact soon.

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The Faux News Network Principles


A) We distort, you abide
B) Or we retort if you deride, unless we choose not to
C) Complete sentences are acceptable in lieu of complete truths
D) It’s OK to criticize the 2006 Democratic Congress for all America’s problems since 2001
E) We shoot from the flip
F) We’re not always accurate but we’re always certain
G) On what we feel is wrong in this world, we can’t stop people from saying I don’t agree or I don’t care, but we won’t let them say I didn’t know
H) The director’s board has a whim of irony
I) In times of emergency, we should rally around our President: In times of democracy he should do the same for us
J) We proudly plagiarize in advance, examples available upon request
K) It’s easy to be fun-based when you’re fact based
L) Good news parody makes for good news parity
M) And, of course, our goal is and always will be to be the most trusted name in Faux News