FRIDAY FAUXLOSOPHY

Should you, however inadvertently cause another person loss or inconvenience they’ll appreciate remedy way more than sympathy.

WIN YANKEE TICKETS: A FAUX NEWS NETWORK CONTEST

We will be running a monthly feature, and contest, on the Faux for candidates worthy of induction into the P.O.M.P. Hall of Fame. P.O. M. P., for those would enter (and win) stands for Persons of Military Pretentiousness and we’re accepting nominations now. Here then are the criteria: the ideal candidate should meet (or exceed) the following to emulate the P.O.M.P. ideal:
A) Must have been in favor of the Vietnam War and thus determined to stop Asia from going Communist. B) Hopefully he still believes in the “Domino Theory”. C) The nominee should always wear out in public at least one flag lapel at all times. An aggressive patriotic tee shirt is an acceptable substitute. D) The ideal candidate needs at least one draft deferment from the service in the Vietnam Era. E) This deferment should have been as creative as possible i.e. the reason for Trent Lott’s deferment was a “special project” at the university of Mississippi which turned out to be for organizing the cheerleaders formations. Well someone had to check out the bottoms of those ladies at the top of the pyramids. F). Extra points are available to those who currently (and aggressively) denigrate those who would begin any sort of draw down in Iraq as either: surrenders, unpatriotic, cut and runners or ( and this gets bonus points) cowards. G) The judging will be done in our usual subjective manner, but this is a real contest with at least one pair of tickets to be given away and these are lower level field box seats, in the third base area, just under the over hang. H) You can’t win if you don’t play, but if you do win, they’re among the best seats in the house, and they (the Yanks) will play.

LESS GANG FOR THE BUCK: THE NUMBERS NUMB ON

According to the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, Joe Biden, we’ve spent in the last 3 weeks in Iraq what we’ve spent in the last 6 years in Afghanistan. These are numbing numbers. And remember, Afghanistan is where the Taliban gangs are, and where Bin Laden is so why don’t we concentrate more on getting bad guys than inspiring and maybe enabling new ones.
In another numbers nunsense, John McCain defends the story of himself and a lobbyist making the case that he’s against taking money or . . . aid from lobbyists. On point, his exact quote is “Special interests have too much influence in Washington”, but on this matter is Mr. McCain once again McSame as in not too special on special interests. Consider what was revealed nationally this past week: lobbyists actually do work on Mr. McCain’s campaign, at least just a little bit. A key political advisor, Charles Black, currently heads a prominent lobbying firm with such clients as AT&T, JP Morgan and NBC, and get this fauxvians, his campaign manager, Rick Davis founded his own lobbying firm. These folks often work without pay and probably . . . expect nothing in return should Senator McCain be elected president, the Senator maintains. Well, if you believe that, we at the Faux are prepared to sell you this week only, the Verazzano Bridge, but not the Brooklyn Bridge. You see we already sold that one today and we have our ethics. Now let’s not concentrate on just complete sentences in lieu of complete truths because The Public Citizens Group which many have found to be annoyingly accurate, recently pointed out that Barack Obama has 9 (nine) current or former lobbyists working for him and Hillary Clinton has all of 19 (nineteen) working for her. Oh yeah, that complete truth thing; McCain has only 59 (fifty nine) lobbyists, current or former, working for him. We’ve just got to get more bridges available for sale, don’t we?

A ROCKET LAUNCH LURCHING

A number of fans (about 1%, hey, that’s a number) still believe Roger Clemens is innocent of helping formulate his success in later years. Speaking of formulating, he sure was inept in doing so regarding his public defense in those House Committee on Oversight hearings.
Again, for the record, Roger requested those hearings himself, in fact he insisted on them to give the public a clear picture of his being “clean” from chemical taint and we’d say that 99% against is as clear a picture as you’re going to get. But it gets better, because Mr. Clemens was scheduled to do an ESPN event at Disney World from February 29 through March 2nd, and says he’s changed his mind about doing so because he doesn’t want to “cause a distraction”. But, and we Fauxvians find this just right, his picture is still on the Web site posing with Goofy.

MEDIA MUCKERS MUSH ON

I’m outraged, to say the least (and I never say the least) at the NY Times for their front page story on John McCain’s friendship with a lady lobbyist dating (wrong word, darn) from his 2000 campaign. This will rally our base against the liberal media Times which curiously has never written on such personal matters regarding Democrats. Well, OK, they (the Times) were the first to reveal 95% of the Bill/Monica stuff but how about the other “5”? Oh, and enough already about making fun of Congressman Lyn Westmoreland (R-Georgia) for knowing “almost” 3 of the Ten Commandments when he was asked them on the Stephen Colbert show. I’m informed by his staff that he’s up to almost “5” now, so there.
Submitted by Raymond Coadd

FRIDAY FAUXLOSOPHY

People talk of happy endings, and we disagree; happy continuings is where its at.

FAUX FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Harry Truman and George Bush are similar in their low approval ratings but …interestingly they took very different paths to get there. Mr. Truman was realistic and raised taxes in time of war, because wars really cost and he told the American people so. Thus, he was resented for implementing an unpopular decision, but doing it very competently. Mr. Bush fell into disfavor for pursuing policies that were opposite to Mr. Truman’s on both counts.

CHARLES A. SANDRAS BEGINS, BUT NOT BENIGNLY

The Presumptive (Vice) President for John McCain would be who? He says he doesn’t know yet, OK, but that’s an important white male (are there any other kinds of Republicans in the mix, ever) for the future of this next national election. Figure the figures, almost anyone familiar with the strains and stresses of the American Presidency seems to feel that a man personally and physically ages three years (at least) for every one chronological year spent in that office. Just look at the before and after photos, even those of the time off president (our current addition) who set the all time goof off (vacation) record for total days off, by the time he hit year five of his presidency. The previous leisure leader was of course
Ronald Reagan, whose age and Alzheimer’s may have been factors. But back to McAge; he’ll be almost 73 years (not young) when he starts his first term and figuring the three to one dissipation he’d be almost 96 when he left a second term. And these guys always want a second term, so does that mean Mr. Cain’s choice of VP candidate is a political living will?--------------------submitted by Charles

THE “ROCKET” HAS A DEFENSE SYSTEM BUT HE'S NO ROCKET SCIENTIST

Be careful what you fish for/or wish for take your pick because as Roger Clements’ request to be vindicated before Congress proved this past week the bully pulpit doesn’t help you if you’re just kind of a bully. And that’s so even if the six Republics (there were seven Democrats as well, including Chairman Harry Waxman from California) defended Roger’s hodge podge of a dodge in knee jerk fashion, the operative word being jerk. One of the great political gambits is to use the disclaimer “partisan issue” as if any issue divided by party must be divided as to merit, as well. The Democrats (remember they do believe in science) could have also said the earth is round and these guys would have no doubt argued that issue has other sides, as according to them would the globe , since its not round. Roger is of course as guilty as he is a bad liar, in fact the way he licked his lips made us wonder if they were juiced up to give his denials the strength of the vial. Two beauts were on his “team” of congressional defenders are worthy of notes, however sour. First is Dan Burton Indiana (R) who spent most of his time during the Clinton hearings attacking the President for poor moral choices. He did not use all of this time for said pursuit of purity, however because he found time to sneak back to his office and impregnate a staffer. He was married, just not to her. Also deserving mention is congressman Lyn Westmoreland Georgia (R) who has sponsored one bill in two terms (it failed) calling for the Ten Commandments to be displayed in the courtrooms of Washington DC. While being interviewed by Stephen Colbert (for his “Report”) Mr. Westmoreland was asked to name “them” meaning the commandments, as in all ten. Well, he was able name almost three correctly; these guys need their morality, honestly and knowledge graded on a curve, although Roger’s “out pitch” is a splitter.

NEW CONTRIBUTOR

We are introducing a new contributor, Mr. Raymond Stanley Thomas Coadd (pronounced Code), a gentleman from the area who’s political philosophy was influenced by his college roommate who hails from Little Rock, Arkansas. He says he has learned much from this son of the south as his writings will show. He has, at times, just a bit of an edge. His submission today:

My man for president, Sen. John McCain is on the way to go all the way and I don’t appreciate the nicknames given to him in this blog. McMime, McMimic, McSame or whatever. If he’s “Bush heavy” instead of Bush light, so what we finally got a war hero supporting war and a victim of torture who speaks out against torture, unless the base coerces him to change of course. Non the less he’s gathering our crowd again including George Allen who lost his Senate re-election bid to another war hero Jim Webb, mainly because of his well you know, personal words and deeds, and ….. a video cam. Anyway don’t you 69% fringe of all voters who claim you’re willing to vote for a black man to pollsters feel you can’t return to our past in the voting booth. Just not our loud please, so the Faux won’t be calling him John Macoca.
Submitted by Stanley

WILL JOHN MCCAIN MCMIME GEORGE BUSH OR WILL HE NOT?

When asked this past Sunday how his presidency would be different from a third Bush term Mr. McCain, mcmimed, talked of reducing spending (for almost three seconds) and switched the subject. He has, to be sure been making progress in uniting the “more conservative” member’s of the Republican base (which is kind of like referring to the whiter members of a 1950’s restricted country clubs), but can he out pander Flitt Romney?

TRAILER PARK BRASH

FEMA’s done it or would we say failed to do it again. This time it’s regarding the trailers in which citizens evicted by Katrina are still living. The problem is the build up of formaldehyde (5 times the safe amount in an average house) which is increasing and hazardous, the origin of this being the plywood in the trailers, which FEMA seems unable to deal with. But they do know how to take care of certain people, namely their own, because while they’ll let our citizens live in such habitats, they won’t even send their own people into the trailers to monitor. And these are the folks who are supposed to give aid and comfort, in case of terrorist attack: feel safer yet? Oh, 39 % of these trailers are still in use, heck of a job clownies.
February 16, 2008

HOPE MCCAIN’S NEXT SWITCH IS NOT A TORTURE SCORCHER

John McCain has McMimed President Bush on several issues, and we hope there’s one (at least) on which he holds his moral ground. First he opposed The Bush more riches to the rich tax cut, twice in fact, before caving and now seems he’d make them permanent because to restore them to the Clinton (you folks remember when the economy was up and so was our government’s surplus) level would be a “tax hike” and he’s never voted for one, huh. More about this down the deficit road.
Mr. McCain also has changed his focus on immigration by de-emphasizing paths to citizenship for those who are here illegally but have committed no crimes in residence. Instead he’s bowing to a rather base base while talking mainly about borders and fences, regarding immigration, and recently, nothing else.
But let’s give credit; he’s been McCain not McMimic when it comes to his steadfast opposition to allowing water boarding or other forms of torture in prisoner interrogations. With the trial of some accused 9/11 planners (where’s Rudy Tuesday when we need him) looming, this issue is sure to surface. Why, because at least some confessions obtained involved the aforementioned water boarding and at least one Army prosecutor has already resigned rather than go forward on evidence obtained in that manner. If Mr. McCain panders on this issue, he’ll have to take a path involving some pretty tortured logic, hope not, but we don’t yet know not.
February 14, 2008

FRIDAY FAUXLOSOPHY

For this Friday's Fauxlosophy we feel two are needed.

1. Sadly, and astonishingly so many Americans believe the following is coincident; that the country (ours) with the most guns, has the most gun homicides.
2. Children and puppies have one tense; now, and one direction forward. Our heart goes out to those at Northern Illinois University.

MIKEHECKOFATHREE WAS SUCH A GOOD THREE THAT NOW HE’S A TWO

With Flitt Romney having fled, Mike Huckabee is now the “two” man if not the “too late” man chasing John McMime. Is he trying to be the big “two” as in McCain’s VP nomination? Possibly, but could we afford to have someone who’s a 72 year old plus heartbeat away from the presidency, who actually thinks we should abolish the IRS and replace it with, get this, an oppressive (to the poor and middle class) sales tax of well over 20%. See, there’s the advantage of John McCain, he does not believe in torture and on finances, is only half crazy, but . . . since he didn’t dodge the draft, hard right conservatives can’t identify with him.

GUESS WHAT - CONSERVATIVES ACTUALLY LIKE FLITT, NOW THEY TELL US

What is it about Republican nominees? In Rudy Tuesday’s case, Florida being a prime example, the longer he campaigned, the further down his ratings went. After Mitt (or as we lovingly call him Flitt) Romney “suspended” his campaign, his ratings shot up and a CPAC (Conservative Political Action Committee) straw poll showed him passing McCain 35 to 34%, again this is after he’s no longer running. The presumptive front runner, of course, is John McCain, or as we call him John McMime, because as opposed to being Bush “light”, he’s Bush “heavy”, promising up to a 100 year war/presence in Iraq, take your choice. Incidentally, we at the Faux heard the rumor that in an attempt to gain Jewish support, he may promise a half off discount and limit the war in Iraq to 50 years. But again, here is a war hero unlike the rest of the conservative, uh shall we say active non-military participants, and it seems that for all their “support the troops” spin, it is the “devoted, patriotic” conservatives who don’t seem to like the only true military warrior among them.

THE CAUCUS CALCULUS VS. BEING PRIMARILY PRIMARY

What this means we at the Faux aren’t sure, it is evident that Mr. Obama does better at caucuses than Mrs. Clinton, while she does better at primaries than Mr. Obama. And, as George Stephanopoulos mentioned on “This Week With George…..”, many or most of the states Barack has won are going to be red, while most of Hillary’s wins are in those that should or could well be blue. Tim Russert echoed that, so in effect, we plagiarized them both several weeks back, and we’re getting less apologetic about doing so time after time. Yet to come are primaries in Wisconsin, Vermont, Hawaii and Rhode Island, in addition to those in Ohio and Texas, and add to this dynamic the “disqualification” by the DNC of Michigan and Florida because they moved up their primaries and we have an almost certain uncertainty. Should Michigan and Florida have a recount……, to make things count? Obama’s people, as mentioned, like the calculus of caucus but how about all those people who voted primarily for Hillary? Those are swift, unchartered current currents; keep your eyes on the horizon.

FROM BOOM TO BLAH

Thanks to the generosity of my son Philip. I’m enjoying a chapter at a time, the best way to read a really good book, Tom Brokaw’s Boom. It’s a must heed. It centers on 1968, an era which produced among other things our current administration and economically at least they’ve come full circle. That’s because this January was according to our nation’s retailers the worse retail month since January 1968. Between a tighter job market and a credit crunch (no one supports visa like the Bush’s credit laws) customers just aren’t consuming. Add to that a cock-eyed tax policy of refunds for the richest (people who make more that a million dollars a year actually do drive the car they want) and you’ve got Bushononmics the worse in 40 years. as Mr. Bush likes to say history will judge him; and like all the other debts he’s ever run up, he expects not to be responsible.

FRIDAY FAUXLOSOPHY

JOHN MCCAIN TRUSTS THAT G.W. BUSH’S INVASION OF IRAQ WAS THE BEST THING FOR THE SECURITY OF AMERICA. THAT’S LIKE BELIEVING THE SURGEON WHO MISTAKENLY HAS AMPUTATED YOUR LEG WHEN HE BRAGS ABOUT HIS SKILL WITH PROSTHETICS.

THE BIT’S BEEN SPLIT BY FLITT

Mitt or as we’ve come to call (and cherish) him, Flitt Romney, after being a liberal, then a moderate, and then a conservative and eventually a candidate in it to the end, has ended it, that’s right, after committing 50 million dollars of his own funds (his wife didn’t look thrilled) he’s dropped out of the race for the Republican nomination for president. This of course leaves John McMime in the driver’s seat for the next 7 months or 100 years’ war, which ever he achieves, first. But what then of Mike Heckofathree; does this up his position to due for two, a running mate who may be, even more likeable than he is ideologically intractable? That noted, it does not ease our sense of loss at no longer having fun with Flitt. Think about it dear readers, the man was such fertile grounds for the faux having changed every issue on every position he ever took, even quitting the campaign the week he assured us he wouldn’t. Oh Flitt, we hardly skewed thee.

PRIMARY CONTOURS

Just what are the primary concerns of primary voters: are they economic, security, immigration, health care or some tinted mixture? The pundits were going to be prophets of course, but on Wednesday morning they could only tell us what little they knew and, that was how little we knew. Sure McMime had the GOP lead but Flitt and Mike Heckofathree (he’s in third place) have gotten some decent wins as well, while Hilliam and Baracktothefu had split some big prizes, practically down the middle. There is still a lot of running to be run, in March and April when Ohio, Texas and Pennsylvania are in play. Two last footnotes: the whining of Flitt Romney aside we at the faux do have to wonder where he’d be if Heckofathree weren’t getting some of his would be conservative base, for which Flitt has flipped and pandered so hard. And while Baracktothefu has the advantage in men, young voters and Black voters and Hilliam does better among women and Hispanic voters, there might be another reason she had a little bit more of a Super Tuesday than pundits predicted. Why? Because she was dominant among the Asians who voted and they so take the vote seriously; and since so many in the media didn’t really discuss them or see it coming will Hilliam’s secret weapon be that she’s a secret Asian Ma’am?

JUST IN THE NICK OF RHYME

The American Nation has settled on four main candidates for President: John McCain and Mitt Romney for the GOP and Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama for the Democratic Party (not the Democrat Party, Mr. Bush) and we at Faux Nation have settled on their defining (according to us) nicknames. Although defining was just part of the choosing
the nomenclature, rhyming counts too. So here goes: for the Republican Party it’s John McMime (he’s a more Bushian Bush), and Flit Romney (although, like all positions Romnian, that is subject to complete change), and for the Dems: it’s Hilliam (she’s getting out in front of that Billary thing) and Barack to future; because well just because.

Now on the national polls going into the Super Duper Looper Swooper Tuesday which show John McMime leading Flit Romney 48 to 24 (just remember back when he wasn’t even 4th) , and Hilliam for the Dems, leading Barack to the Future 47 to 43, obviously much closer. Our predictions: Senator McMime gets down to basics with his base and Hilliam pushes Barack’s ascension a bit further into the future.

A FOX BASED REPORT ON CHARACTERS AND CHRONOLOGY

Fox News reports that 1 in 4 Britons in a recent survey do not think Winston Churchill “ever existed”. If this is so, the English should be gentler in their criticisms of our school systems. But…..in a survey just a few years back distributed in one of our Northeastern Universities, the respondents were asked to put in chronological order the following historical events: The D-Day Invasion, the Korean War, the fall of the East German Wall and the first man landing on the moon. Only 44% were able to put these events in the correct order causing us in the Faux News Nation to wonder as to how many of these folks also listen to Fox news, because the first time President Bush admitted (because he had to) that Iraq and Saddam had, in his words, “nothing” to do with 9/11 it was a surprise. To Fox viewers, that is because their own surveys, of their own viewers, showed that well over 50 % believed Saddam was part of the 9/11 plot, whereas over 75% of the rest of Americans, those not all Foxed-up knew, again, as our President admitted that Iraq had “nothing” to do with 9/11. But then, neither did Iran, so why can’t we invade them, they meet the non criteria.

DO WINNABLE PRIMARIES BECOME WINNABLE STATES?

Let’s look at what primaries Hillary Clinton has won: New Hampshire, Michigan, Nevada and Florida. On balance Barack Obama has prevailed in Iowa, and South Carolina. Next consider Fauxvians, where Mrs. Clinton is likely to win: New York, California, New Jersey and most of New England, while Mr. Obama looks good in the Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee and Arkansas primaries. Not entirely but for the most part, Hill is winning primaries where the Dems will, should, or could win in a national election, while Barack looks best where in recent elections, for the most part, the Democrats have done worse. Maybe it’s a Barack to the Future foreshadowing, that he did win, and we should note solidly, where his party couldn’t, or maybe these golden moments for Barack are Election Day fool’s gold as in indelibly red.

FRIDAY FAUXLOSOPHY

Well off Democrats share an ironic synergy with middle and lower class Republicans; the last two elections they’ve voted each other’s economic interests.

WE NEED A LESS SHRILL BILL

As author Jacob Weisberg (“The Bush Tragedy”) recently pointed out, President Clinton has not been acting like a former president but more like a running mate – the divide and conquer half. Hill needs a more buffered Bubba, with the inimitable charm and humor he displayed when he was the candidate. President Clinton, deep down, knows better, our guess is how to begin to do better, as in less is more. And on that subject, in the Democratic primary in Florida where by agreement no Democrats were active, Mrs. Clinton received over 850,000 votes, and the three (3) Democratic leaders a total of over 1,600,000 uncampaigned for votes. In the Republican contest, John McCain, Flit Romney, and Ruby Tuesday, spent many millions and got roughly the same numbers of support, with Mr. McCain, (we need a good nickname for him) being named on a little under 700,000 ballots. So as to campaign ads, appearances and dollars, for Billary, Hilliam, or Hill, less got her more.